Such a waste

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by xoCherie, Jun 3, 2012.

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  1. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    I don't know why the title. It just came to me when I started this thread so yeah.

    Currently I'm restricting my self harm to my upper left thigh, where it can easily be hidden in short shorts or a skirt when summer comes, but I'm finding as soon as the older ones start to heal and fade, I do more, and I'm losing skin. I don't want to move to my right thigh, I don't know why not, I just don't. Like I see it as a completely different part of me, my left one. Like the part that I can channel all my self hate into.
    In regards to when I self harm, it has no real set pattern besides twice now it's been during/after I hear my housemates going at it. Generally, as I said before, it's just when my older ones start to heal too much for my liking.
    My mind frame when I do it isn't self hatred,nor numb, or anything. Actually, I'm amused at myself. I'll sit there, my head tilted, and watch the blood well up with an odd sense of fascination and an urge to go deeper. I can't though, it's too dull, and if I break another disposable razor my housemates will find out.

    Actually I don't know why the thread. I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts, as they're a complete contrast to my most recent poem in Poet's Corner. It's like I look forward to the pain, the sharp sting of the metal slicing. Meh.
     
  2. Dying_Imp

    Dying_Imp Active Member

    Hi Cherie,
    Seems that I am still stalking you (I'm not, honestly!).
    I understand exactly what you mean, I always cut in the same place and when my cuts are just about healed I get more and more 'desperate' to do it again.
    My mind set when I am doing it varies, sometimes it is because I hate myself, sometimes it's because I'm numb and want to be able to feel something and sometimes I dissociate and don't even realise I'm doing it (think that is usually triggered by nightmares or flashbacks).
    Please try not to cut any deeper, you say that you are losing skin on your thigh, well if you cut deeper and need stitches or anything then the scarring will only get worse - I have totally 'ruined' my upper arm and doubt that it will ever look like anything resembling 'normal'.
    Do you have other things that you can do when you feel the urge to cut?
    I'm sorry but I can't remember if you said you were seeing a therapist or anyone?
    Be safe.
    Imp.
     
  3. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    Haha Imp you're becoming a familiar face :)

    Dissociate...I think that's what I did last night...there wasn't any real numbness or anything...just a "oh, look, blood" kind of feeling...
    I don't plan to go deeper...but I didn't exactly plan to start cutting again either :unsure:
    I was up until 1.30am on Saturday or Friday night, not sure when exactly, trying to distract myself. Ended up doing some cat sketches. It didn't help. I finished the book I was reading too, so that option is gone for now.
    I'm seeing my doctor to talk about being referred to a psychologist this afternoon as well as do the weekly review of my mental health. It's slipping, I know it is.
    I'll try to be safe. One thing is, I'm not carrying the blade around with me so I can't cut when I get the urge outside of my room. That's something, right?
     
  4. Dying_Imp

    Dying_Imp Active Member

    Hi Cherie,:smile-new:
    It's really hard to distract yourself isn't it? People seem to think it is so easy 'just go and do something else' they don't realise just how hard the urges are to escape from. Well done for trying to distract as much as you did:Leiaha:(just put him in there cos he makes me smile) what book have you just read? Can you get some more books out of the library? I do a lot of reading and I find sudoku strangely addictive, relaxing and distracting.
    No, we never 'plan' to do anything but it gets us anyway, you probably know how the urge / need to cut more / deeper will keep increasing, don't know what to suggest about that, haven't got it sussed myself :unsure:!
    It's good that you aren't carrying a blade around outside your room:courage: do you think you could get rid of your blade? Or would that just make you panic and want to buy more (it would me, I kind of need them as a safety blanket)?
    How did you get on with your Dr? Was s/he helpful? Are you going to be refered to a psychologist / therapist? In what way do you feel that your mental health is 'slipping'?
    Imp.
    [
     
  5. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    I had a huge urge all day today, ended up going for two runs around the block my course campus is on - almost fainted the first time cause I hadn't eaten since dinner last night. That didn't really distract me though...
    Drink Slay Love by Sarah Beth Durst. I recommend it if you're into vampires and novels with a twist ending.
    I tried getting rid of it and ended up buying more disposable razors :/ so that won't work
    He was very helpful actually. Though now I'm on Citalopram 10mg. We did the questions thing, ie "how often do you feel helpless/depressed/worthless etc" and I've got a referral letter for the psychologist. I'm seeing my YOS worker tomorrow, so hopefully he will help me set p an appointment. Recommended one on one and group sessions though :unsure:
    It's slipping in that I'm finding it harder and harder to get out of bed, I'm smiling less and generally...falling...into the darkness...it's literally like I'm falling...I haven't cut so much before, I haven't withdrawn so much before, I haven't hated myself so much before...I haven't welcomed the numbness before either, but now I accept it and just...feel it sitting on my shoulders, kind of...they feel heavier, like I'm carrying a burden...
     
  6. Dying_Imp

    Dying_Imp Active Member

    Hi Cherie,
    How are you doing? Has the citalopram made any difference? or at least stopped you feeling so sick. I started on citalopram years ago, started at 10mg, ended up on 60mg and it didn't make any difference! At least it didn't have any side effects!
    How did you get on with the YOS (what's Have you got a referal to psychologist / groups etc?
    How are you doing with the distracting?
    Take care.
    Imp.
     
  7. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    Hi Imp,
    Kinda shit right now actually. My sister got into contact again. I want to post a thread about it but I don't want to deal with it at the same time. My whole body hurts. My mind frame is...stable currently...but I don't know how long that will last...I put a status up on my Facebook asking if anyone could spend the night with me because I don't feel like I'll be safe on my own (housemates just left to go out til Sunday for their son's second birthday) and I know if it gets too much I won't be able to deal with it, so I'll walk to the hospital and say what's going on.
    Actually, this morning was the last one. It gave me hallucinations and vivid dreams that had me disorientated, and really bad diarrhea. I changed to a new doctor that's closer at the walk in clinic and starting Sunday I'm on Pristiq 50mg. Ew they're square :/
    I got the referral from my doctor, YOS is Youth Outreach Service, and it went okay. I'm waiting to hear back from the psychology centre, it's been over a week now though.
    Shit
     
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