Sudden clarity

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cult logic, Dec 19, 2010.

  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm 17 years old and the utter description of a loser.

    Does that matter? People will only tell me to my face no, though they believe otherwise, I'm sure. Or not, who cares.

    Though I've been thinking.

    People only get better if they allow themselves too, if they can delude themselves into thinking it matters whether they live or if they die. I am incapable of finding a reason to live, no amount of therapy can change this, and drugs and alcohol really just suspend who my original being is anyway, not much different from being dead. Taking an antidepressant everyday is little different than drinking or smoking, what makes it legitimate? The only difference is who takes your money

    Life is really only bearable if I'm drinking or smoking weed. Such is not even living.

    My question is then, with this being the case. How can the world be so cruel to make it hard for me to die?

    They are relatively unaffected by whether I exist or not. To deny me a sound suicide method is really just serving their selfish want to pretend that the life of any individual matters.

    So why the FUCK can't I just go somewhere and say "I want to die" and they'll be like "okay here's xxx".

    Yeah, I know, if I'm so intent on dying, why not just find a way to do it? Bash my head against a curb or something. It's not that easy, and NOBODY fucking understands. Life is without worth, and nobody will ever help me. I will have to resort to trying ineffective methods over and over again until something works, but it's okay, some people can't be helped, whatever helps one sleep at night. Once I complete it then the one or two people in my life will think, "it's okay, he was so determined we couldn't help him anyway".

    You're a danger to yourself? We lock you up. Such is complete cruelty, and nothing else.

    If I am "unwilling" (unable but no one can understand where I'm coming from) to change, why is there not some suicide clinic to get rid of those undesirables such as myself?

    I may be under the influence, but it's the only way to convey my true emotions uninhibited.

    In conclusion, FUCK IT. Compassion does not exist
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2010
  2. ansdr

    ansdr Well-Known Member

    Just 17 and you're calling yourself a loser? I think you're being too hard on yourself. I really don't think "losers or winners exist" Because those terms are just comparisons to other people. Do you still live with your parents, do you have any one to talk to about how you're feeling.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sent you a if you want to talk...J
  4. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Alcohol and marijuana can only be intensifying your depressive disorder. I tried self medicating in my teens with alcohol and it only intensified my suicidal ideation. Saying you you are a loser and seeing your continuing to live as pointless is clinical depression. Treating it with antidepressants, therapy or exercise is the best choice, please don't worsen your hopelessness with destructive substances.

    I met a group of friends at 22 who were and still are lifesavers; getting me out of my own tortured head, caring for me and keeping me alive for two decades. I hope you also have friends that will come into your life and keep it more than worth living just a few months away in college or through a better living situation.