Suddenly negative again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sa-chan, Aug 17, 2016.

  1. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    I'm in the middle of some exams and realized I did a bad job over the year preparing myself for it. Right now I worry I might even have to redo the whole year which would suck a lot. I hope it won't happen but even then I will already have messed up my undergraduate GPA.

    Honestly I felt a lot better in the last time. I kind of managed to deal with the stress and actually stop my negative thoughts before they fill my mind and make me feel bad. Had a positive outlook on things and almost no suicidal and otherwise self-destructive thoughts. I felt I had it under control but I was wrong. I'm feeling really bad today again. I think I got a bit better at managing my condition but what is more likely is that I just had one of my rare better times for once.

    Also I still didn't manage to get myself professional help – kind of ashamed for procrastinating this even further. Like after all the years I'm still telling myself I'm fine when I probably really am dealing with Bipolar 2...

    I'm kind of mad that I don't have the capacity right now to take a bit time out to recollect myself. I just have to keep going with this burning negativity and actually keep thinking at all times. I guess I won't be able to sleep for a while again ugh...
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hey sa-chen , I am Mox

    Thank you for joining us at SF and sharing your personal story. The more you are able to share, the more we can help you. That is how SF "works" you share your story and we all pitch in and try to think of things that would help you. So don't be shy. I invite you to read my personal story in green and know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Just know when you are here you are SAFE; no one will insult you or ridicule you in any fashion. That BS is not tolerated here. If you are like me you stumbled across SF because you were looking for ways to hurt yourself. Are you suicidal? If not, that is great. If you are, and you feel like you are a danger of hurting yourself; please take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help.

    Sorry to hear you did not feel like you did well on your exams. I hope you did better than you felt like you did. The way I am reading this , you had a period where you felt in control over your emotions. Now you are struggling with them and it is a lot for you to deal with, on top of college and everything else going on in your life.

    I agree with you, seeking professional help is a good idea. I'm a little confused is the Bipolar 2, an official diagnose; or something you feel you have that has not been diagnosed yet.

    Do you have a support network you can lean on when your having a bad day? What kind of coping skills are you using?

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Take Care
    Petal and sa-chan like this.
  3. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Hi Mox, thanks for your reply.

    I'm not sure if I consider myself suicidal. I actually want to live (and ideally forever which seems almost impossible) but at the same time when I'm overcome by negative feelings and thoughts I often find myself wanting to not be here anymore. Running away isn't the solution for me who mostly lives in my head but at the same time I want to do an exchange year/research activity in Japan (I have to finally start studying the language but I'm already far too busy) and potentially relocate to Canada/Quebec in the future. I guess it might be a flee instinct but these things are some of the few things I wan't to do and some kind of motivation. But sometimes even that seems stupid and futile like everything else...
    But yeah I'm not in any real danger. :)

    I didn't really come across SF looking for methods to harm myself. I was looking for a place to vent. (Maybe I'm a bit self-obsessed.) But I guess it's really cool if this forum manages to convince people to talk about their struggles when they were actually looking for methods.

    I'm not officially diagnosed with anything although I'm certain my GP silently diagnosed me as a hypochondriac. In the past I was told its normal for hormones to cause an emotional mess at my age but I'm probably out of the relevant age for some time now and my mood is still wrong at most times. It doesn't necessarily have to be bipolar. Maybe I'm actually healthy (this is what I kind of seem to believe). Maybe it's just me bad dealing with stress. But then again I feel really bad most of the time. But sometimes it's completely reversed. Also my inner dialogue is completely fucked up sometimes. I don't really know what a therapist/psychiatrist could offer besides meds which I don't want to deal with (because side and long term effects) or psychotherapy. I actually believe it won't change anything... Also social anxiety is playing against me getting help here a lot.

    I developed some coping skills like killing off negative intrusive thoughts. Preventing myself from slipping into negativity sometimes. But when my mood really drops low it's futile. I basically have to keep moving and just wait until it's over again.

    I don't really have many friends but I generally find social activity to be draining anyway... But then again I feel infinitely lonely most of the time. Even when I speak with others its distant like I never really connect with others even if I try. I hate both being with people and being lonely. :confused:
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    lol, what does that even mean?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

    Emotionally or physically? or both?

    I understand completely

    I have bad news for you. I like you. Your story reads like you are a very intelligent person. You have dreams/aspirations. You seem very self-aware of your problems. I see you talking about moving around a lot, just out of curiosity ; where do you live now? You said you were looking for a place to vent. Any subject in particular you wanted to vent or you just wanted to blow steam off?

    I feel like with all of the mood problems you mention; that maybe seeing a therapist isn't a bad idea?

    Take Care
    sa-chan likes this.
  5. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    I'm feeling better than the other day but still stressed out a lot. The good thing about busy times like these is that it doesn't allow my mind to fall into darkness too deep. But honestly I fucked up an exam the other day - hopefully I will still pass... :)

    About your questions: My GP never said I'm a hypochondriac and still takes time to adress my issues with care everytime I have a visit but I guess I found cause-less symptoms a couple times and was worrying it was an illness... Maybe she also kind of figured I have mental problems but yeah I guess I really have hypochondria.

    These days my symptoms are mostly affecting my emotions and behaviour. I used to have really bad tension headaches that fortunately seem to have wanished since I'm focusing on a better posture. However I do have chest pain frequently which I hope its just stress and negative thoughts, however I can't sleep on one side anymore. I really hope it's not some sort of cardiac issue (just the possibility freaks me out tbh) but last time I had my heart checked it was all fine so maybe it's really just some kind of tension.

    I live in Western Europe but I love travelling and seeing other places and cultures (but rarely get a chance to). I want to learn some decent level of Japanese before a stay there but I really struggle finding time and energy for that. Actually it's mostly the latter. Sometimes I do have time but I just space out because I can't focus on things anymore. Facing the limits of my capabilities is so frustrating - it makes me feel like I'm always missing out on something.
  6. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Nothing would make me happier, than for you to pass =)

    What kind of mental problems do you think you have?

    I know it is, but you are not a robot. Sometimes taking a break is just what you need.

    I think your going to be fine. You sound like you are one very determined lady. You seem to be juggling a lot of different responsibilities and it is just getting you stressed out. But I think anyone would be in your shoes. Repeat after me "I AM Going To Be Fine" =)

    Take Care