Hi, I haven't posted much on this forum because for the most part I haven't been feeling that suicidal recently and I forgot i had joined. But recently things have changed. I've been just contemplating it a lot. I've been getting more morbid and I don't have any friends. A big part of this is the let down in myself and others as I just started college and haven't made one single friend yet. I havent been able to and I am getting restless. I dont even have a license yet. I've been contemplating suicide. I'm tired of the anxiety, of not being able to sit still, of not being able to read a book to get my mind off of things. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm not delusional or anything. I'm just- careless. I dont care about anything. I'm a chronic schizophrenic. I'm taking abilify at 30mgs a day and I've taken a break from the Concerta at 27mgs because it might have been making me nervous. but I just took some because I havent had energy all day, not even enough to read the words off of a page. I'm trying hard but I've got three C's on my mid-terms and I'm not doing well. I was contemplating suicide today just because of the anxiety and overall deadness, stupidity, and I'm completely friendless. I havent seen my therapist in a month, my doctor isn't a good one and I'm just sick of life at this point. I dunno. I want to see what's on the other side. I'm tired of skeptics, who don't believe in magick or the supernatural but suddenly- it was like it hit me again. i stopped being numb to the fear of death, the realization hit me again. we dont go anywhere. and that scares me enough to want to do it, out of just agony for that reason and curiosity if maybe it's not true. I wrote a suicide note and it helped me cope with the feelings. I think that writing it out helps and yet I'm still feeling like, if there was an easy painless sure fire way to do it I would do it. I just don't want to let my family down. I have been kind of disturbed. Like, anxious, can't look around, like, just stuff I cant stand. I don't want to die really, I just dont know if I have any other options. the anxiety stuff makes me anxious, the valium, tranxene, klonopin etc. all of it- doesn't work. Maybe I should lower the abilify dose. Anyways, I needed to vent this. I have no one to talk to. I've been hanging on, when I was taking seroquel i was suicidal pretty much 100% of the time and no one could do anything or knew about it. I decided I would post this instead of dealing with these feelings for much longer. I am not sure what to do, it seems like kind of a cop out for me but I'm really sick of not accomplishing what i've set out to do. I've also gained a lot of weight and I'm without a job, I think things are adding up for me.