Suffering with zero confidence or self esteem

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Plusi, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. Plusi

    Plusi New Member

    Hi there. This is my first post here, so I hope I've got it right! I may go off on a bit of a rant here, so bare with me...

    I'm 21 years old, and throughout my childhood, I've always been shy, and that's all I thought it was, shyness. But in recent years, I've just never been able to 'break out of my shell' and get to know people. I find it extremely difficult to talk to people who I don't know, particularly if that person is an attractive girl. You can probably guess where I'm going with this, but it just seems to be that I can't get to know anybody unless they actually reach out to me.

    For example, my last relationship (lasted just over a year, finished last February (ironically on valentines day)) was actually started because she knew a friend who told me that she liked me, and even then, she was the one who initially suggested going out on a date. I really couldn't tell you what it is, I just seem completely incapable of forging relationships for myself.

    A friend at work tried to set me up with a girl, but I just couldn't think of anything to say or do, which has largely been the bane of my life so far. I've lost all faith in my self-esteem and social skills!

    I can come out and type about my problems and failings quite openly on the message board, but I couldn't consider telling even my closest friends or family that these feelings have really devastated me. I've been depressed before and was put on anti-depressants, which helped for a while, but as time has gone by, these feelings have come back, and I have considered the possibility of suicide. It's unlikely that I'll do it, but sometimes I can go for hours on end thinking about my own death, which is quite depressing in itself!

    I feel as though I'd get a lot of tension lifted off of my shoulders if I could just learn to be a little more confident and less worried about making a fool out of myself in front of strangers.

    I started writing this as I was about to go out for the night (with a chance of meeting new people), only to have my parents say that they were going out, and that they wanted me to stay at home and look after my younger brother. I could have told them where to shove it, but with my lack of confidence, I really don't want to start open warfare with my parents.

    Thanks for reading. I can't really think of much else to write without going on all night, but this is the main thing that's getting me down at the minute. All I can see coming out of my life at the minute is being single and with only a handful of friends until the day I die. Hopefully somebody can give me some advice on getting me out of this. I feel as though I can't meet new people because I have no confidence but whenever I mess up (like my friend with the girl) then that just takes another whack at my confidence.

    Thanks for reading, sorry if I started to ramble at any point!
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i'd like to say i thought that was a very well written post. you ought to consider doing some more writing like if even in a journal. i do. i can so relate. it really is harder for some people to just reach out, and yet for others it just comes so naturally it's digusting. some people are just shy and that's ok there is nothing at all wrong with that. i would like to encourage you to try some smaller steps, and what i mean by that is say someone near you sneezes you tell them bless you (or whatever). or as your passing someone in a doorway say excuse me. or if someone does something really cool tell them nice job. that's all you don't need to say anymore than that.
    shyness really is a tough one to work through, but please don't let it beat you down it doesn't deserve that kind of credit. you can over come this. let me tell you to because you may not have many friends isn't a bad thing at all. i don't have many myself, but slowly but surely i'm being very picky about who i want as a friend because believe you me not all of em are good.
    please certainly feel free to continue to post here. we'll listen. i have every bit of faith that you can overcome this. it just might take a little more patience. if you need someone to chat with one on one my pm box is always open buddy. please please take care of yourself and i look forward to hearing more from you.
  3. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum :)

    Look forward to seeing you around. Feel free to add me on msn if you're ever bored and fancy a chat. x
  4. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I agree with rhinolady, you need to take small steps and you will improve on your social skills. I remember, mine were shocking when I was in high school. Pretty much the only people I talked to were people my age and my family, so I didn't learn many techniques on how to converse effectively. After i finished, I started talking to people of all ages, knowing that they didn't judge me or have thoughts about me like an immature teenager or a caring parent would. This made it a lot easier. Before long I was talking easily, and fitting in to any conversation, and I was surprised I had such a problem in the first place.

    The most important thing is to stop saying to yourself "I can't talk to people". This is the biggest demotivator and roadblock to your conversational abilities. What you should say is "I am learning to talk to people", then you will continue to improve. You can be part of a conversation without having to have much input, you can sit and watch how others talk and pick up techniques from them. If you only have a problem with talking to people you don't know, then that can be hard, but still doable. Just apply the same thoughts to the situation. Shyness can be hard, but it doesn't have to be forever. The most important thing is to keep practicing, and like I said, don't tell yourself you can't do it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2009
  5. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    What Tobes and rhinolady said. Try not to worry about making a fool out of yourself in front of strangers, everyone's done it at some point or the other and those experiences teach you way more than the smooth uneventful ones. A friend of mine told me once that everyone gets their style from other people, that they take what they like from other people's styles and make one of their own. If you have trouble finding the right things to say try watching how other people interact and just use that until you can tweak it to your own taste. Don't let the screw ups discourage you and sooner or later you'll get the hang of it.
  6. Plusi

    Plusi New Member

    Thank you, everybody for the replies. I know it's been over a week since I've posted again, but I've been quite busy and haven't found the time. I read your replies earlier though and tried to put into action what has been suggested.

    From what I can gather, I don't feel as though I have much of a problem with quick, simple chat (as rhinolady kindly suggested). The problem I seem to have is making the step from Acquiantance to Friend. I don't know what it is, but I cannot ask people their phone numbers, or ask girls out on dates or anything like that for fear of being rejected, or thought a fool of. It sounds clichè, I know.

    In the last 6 months, I've asked 3 girls out for a drink at some point, each of whom has said yes, but then later on either ignored me or made an excuse. My friend has suggested to just try and get over them all, but it's things like that which play on my mind and make me more nervous and self concious in front of other people.

    I have felt slightly better in the past couple of days, emotionally (despite being flued up!).

    Thanks again for the replies everyone. Venting helped a little bit, if anybody has any further advice, I'd be very grateful. Thanks :)
  7. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    DUDE. Your 21?? Very young. You still got time to find yourself in this crazy world.
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