suffering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by passingthrough, Sep 25, 2011.

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  1. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    I'm sorry this is so long, particularly as it is so badly written. But I want to write the worst of me, berate myself with words. I want to hurt myself, force myself to confront my rotting heart. Tonight I want to punish myself. I deserve to suffer for my thoughts, for my selfishness. I deserve to suffer, because I am me. I want to stand on the rooftops and yell my deficits aloud, so that the rest of you will punish me; throw things at me, insult me, hate me. I want you to see the darkness inside, so that you will hate me too. How fucked is it to want to be hated?

    The voice in my head says ‘SUFFER’. It yells it at me, pushes my strength down and stops it with the force of the word. ‘SUFFER’ and soon it promises soon I will yell ‘DIE’ and with only the strength of that word I know I will stop breathing. suffer, suffer, suffer. I am suffering, I give in, I will suffer until I am given permission to stop.

    The inner voice, my inner dialogue. you are weak. you are nothing. no one cares. you deserve this. you deserve it all. you deserve no happiness. there is no happiness for you. down down down, sink down into this darkness, do not try and fight because you can’t win. Down I will push you down and you will stay until I let you up for air, if I choose to let you up for air. i hate this and this is me, so i hate me. i beg you to hate me too, see inside me and understand that I am broken and the good that was part of me has withered and died. i have lost this fight. i have lost. I beg of you hate me. I am not worth love, it makes me feel like a fraud. If you think you love me, then you can’t know me, because there is nothing in me worth loving.

    I'm sorry for being so self-pitying
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It was well written but worrying. Why so much self hatred? Who have you let down to feel so bad?

    I hope you can find the strength to talk back to your inner voice.
    PM me if you want to.
     
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Has something happened to you that makes you think your not worth caring about? Has someone fed this into your mind? Well I know how abuse can make you hate yourself.. I don't know if that's the case here, but it just seems like something has happened to you, having that much self-hatred with yourself. Been there myself, but you can get better from that. I'm living proof.
     
  4. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    Nothing has really happened as such. I tried to kill myself 5 weeks ago and put my husband and friends through hell worrying about me, watching me, having to give so much because I was so needy (and they had already given so much through the 8 months of depression that led up to it). I just recently started to feel better, not enough I was glad to be alive but at least not everything was such a monumental effort, I even had two days where I didn't cry. It made them so happy to see me happier.

    And now, as my mood drops again I just feel so guilty. Guilty that I can't stay happy for them, and guilty that I resent them for holding on so hard and keeping me here. I've been told by my psychiatrist that the whole 'I deserve to die' belief is a delusion (and I get delusions at both ends of the bipolar spectrum), but that doesn't make it easy to ignore.

    I guess part of it is wanting them to hate me, because if they hate me they will let me go.
     
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I understand that but still I think it would be better to try to change your cognitive distortions.

    You have people who love you, and who want you to get past this disease.
     
  6. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    I am trying, believe me I am trying. It is just so exhausting. Sometimes I just need to let it out, because I can't want to tell this stuff to those people who love me. It will just hurt them. Writing helps me and then when I am not engulfed I can look back and see the distortions for what they are.
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Good I am glad it helps, and that is a very good plan.
     
  8. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    It hasn't been that long. Take your time. The healing process is difficult and long but just know that once you get out of it, you will be happy and you will find the strength to face whatever problems come your way. Things can look very very bleak during these times and recovery may seem far away, but just think of yourself for the moment. Your family and friends love you and that's why they're concerned. Don't feel guilty for it--if you were in their situation, you would feel concerned, too. That's just the way human beings are. Just focus on getting better, no matter how hopeless things may seem. :)
     
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I've never had depression without reason. That must be hard to deal with. :i'm sorry:

    It's not your fault that you feel this way, and it's okay if you have your husband and friends support you through this, even if you feel like your putting them through hell, they love you, they want to be there to help you, that's what they are for. If you can't be there for the person you love when they are at their worst, and can only be there to share the good times, well no, that is not how it all works. Marriage is for better or worse.

    The key to this is to survive it.. Just because your mood is low and you feel like dying, doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself..

    Are there things you can do, hobbies, anything that makes you feel happy? I'm just thinking, when you reach that low point, maybe you could find things to do, to bring your mood up a little bit. Even just taking a walk can relieve depression some.

    I don't know your age, but women between the ages of 45 and 55, get to go through post menopausal depression, requiring hormone replacement therapy. I have a few years left but I'm getting near that age.. :mad:
     
  10. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    Nowhere near menopause luckily (I'm 30) and yes depression with no reason sucks. Leads to all those 'if I can't be happy when everything is going well, what hope is there for me?' type thoughts.

    Believe it or not I'm doing much better than I was, it's even possible the meds are working. But my husband found out yesterday he has to go away for work tomorrow. It's only one night and even though I'm doing better, I find myself tempted because I'll have the whole night to myself, no chance of being interrupted or found before I'm dead.

    I really don't think I'll go through with it, but the temptation is certainly there. I'm slightly disturbed by how tempted I am, given how much better things are than they were. I guess I still don't really believe this depression will ever totally end.
     
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