I'm sorry this is so long, particularly as it is so badly written. But I want to write the worst of me, berate myself with words. I want to hurt myself, force myself to confront my rotting heart. Tonight I want to punish myself. I deserve to suffer for my thoughts, for my selfishness. I deserve to suffer, because I am me. I want to stand on the rooftops and yell my deficits aloud, so that the rest of you will punish me; throw things at me, insult me, hate me. I want you to see the darkness inside, so that you will hate me too. How fucked is it to want to be hated?
The voice in my head says ‘SUFFER’. It yells it at me, pushes my strength down and stops it with the force of the word. ‘SUFFER’ and soon it promises soon I will yell ‘DIE’ and with only the strength of that word I know I will stop breathing. suffer, suffer, suffer. I am suffering, I give in, I will suffer until I am given permission to stop.
The inner voice, my inner dialogue. you are weak. you are nothing. no one cares. you deserve this. you deserve it all. you deserve no happiness. there is no happiness for you. down down down, sink down into this darkness, do not try and fight because you can’t win. Down I will push you down and you will stay until I let you up for air, if I choose to let you up for air. i hate this and this is me, so i hate me. i beg you to hate me too, see inside me and understand that I am broken and the good that was part of me has withered and died. i have lost this fight. i have lost. I beg of you hate me. I am not worth love, it makes me feel like a fraud. If you think you love me, then you can’t know me, because there is nothing in me worth loving.
I'm sorry for being so self-pitying
The voice in my head says ‘SUFFER’. It yells it at me, pushes my strength down and stops it with the force of the word. ‘SUFFER’ and soon it promises soon I will yell ‘DIE’ and with only the strength of that word I know I will stop breathing. suffer, suffer, suffer. I am suffering, I give in, I will suffer until I am given permission to stop.
The inner voice, my inner dialogue. you are weak. you are nothing. no one cares. you deserve this. you deserve it all. you deserve no happiness. there is no happiness for you. down down down, sink down into this darkness, do not try and fight because you can’t win. Down I will push you down and you will stay until I let you up for air, if I choose to let you up for air. i hate this and this is me, so i hate me. i beg you to hate me too, see inside me and understand that I am broken and the good that was part of me has withered and died. i have lost this fight. i have lost. I beg of you hate me. I am not worth love, it makes me feel like a fraud. If you think you love me, then you can’t know me, because there is nothing in me worth loving.
I'm sorry for being so self-pitying