I feel like I am constantly suffocating. In my walking life I can't breathe, and paradoxically, it isn't until I am choking on smoke or drowning in a bottle that I finally feel like I may be coming up for air. It' so stupid, but I can' help but escape that feeling. I know I have to hold on for my friend's, client's, and family but I am always finding myself fighting the temptation to drive onto the train tracks or jumping. I have been having so many sick daydreams, and each day that goes by I have more and more. I just feel so much preessure in my life, but when I suddenly have a few hours off I find something to do, I can't stay still or just stop unless I have a substance to allow me to. I am tired of striving to be the perfect student, intern, friend, daughter, employee, etc. I hate that I have to have two jobs to afford to live. I hate that so many people have to depend on me at one job. I work in two departmrnts at that job, one for people with mental health issues and one for people with neurological/developmental disorders. I have one client who is often on suicide watch and has tried 5 times in the past (he is slightly mentally retarded, so he can't quite figure it out). Its often my job to try and talk him out of it. I feel like such a hypocrite, but I really don't think he or anyone should do it. Another client has an abundance of medical issues, spastic triplegia, diabetes (insulin dependent), epilepsy, and allergic to so much. I am working with him now, every other weekend is my twenty hour weekend with him, 9 hours saturday and 11 sunday. That would be fine if my other job didn't expect me to work until 2 am Saturday nights. I also have school, and I can't get any bad grades. I am a junior, and I need to get into a good ph.d program. I got a C+ in a bullshit art class and freaked out, in fact I still am pissed at myself. I will be starting a new research internship with this great professor and she will be putting me in charge of one of her studies, I'm so excited but Ilm afraid I am only giving myself even more to drown in. I can't stop thinking about how I want to do it and when, but it always comes down to if I don't do it I better write that paper or get to work, how fucking stupid. I feel so pathetic right now, like I shouldn't be so maladaptive.