suffocating. . .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alyssa88, Dec 30, 2007.

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  1. Alyssa88

    Alyssa88 Active Member

    I feel like I am constantly suffocating. In my walking life I can't breathe, and paradoxically, it isn't until I am choking on smoke or drowning in a bottle that I finally feel like I may be coming up for air. It' so stupid, but I can' help but escape that feeling. I know I have to hold on for my friend's, client's, and family but I am always finding myself fighting the temptation to drive onto the train tracks or jumping. I have been having so many sick daydreams, and each day that goes by I have more and more.

    I just feel so much preessure in my life, but when I suddenly have a few hours off I find something to do, I can't stay still or just stop unless I have a substance to allow me to.

    I am tired of striving to be the perfect student, intern, friend, daughter, employee, etc. I hate that I have to have two jobs to afford to live. I hate that so many people have to depend on me at one job. I work in two departmrnts at that job, one for people with mental health issues and one for people with neurological/developmental disorders. I have one client who is often on suicide watch and has tried 5 times in the past (he is slightly mentally retarded, so he can't quite figure it out). Its often my job to try and talk him out of it. I feel like such a hypocrite, but I really don't think he or anyone should do it. Another client has an abundance of medical issues, spastic triplegia, diabetes (insulin dependent), epilepsy, and allergic to so much. I am working with him now, every other weekend is my twenty hour weekend with him, 9 hours saturday and 11 sunday. That would be fine if my other job didn't expect me to work until 2 am Saturday nights.

    I also have school, and I can't get any bad grades. I am a junior, and I need to get into a good ph.d program. I got a C+ in a bullshit art class and freaked out, in fact I still am pissed at myself. I will be starting a new research internship with this great professor and she will be putting me in charge of one of her studies, I'm so excited but Ilm afraid I am only giving myself even more to drown in.

    I can't stop thinking about how I want to do it and when, but it always comes down to if I don't do it I better write that paper or get to work, how fucking stupid. I feel so pathetic right now, like I shouldn't be so maladaptive.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Instead of trying so hard at doing everything for everyone else, take a little of that energy and spend it on you. Try to take that much needed deep breath before you turn to the smoke or bottle. Turn the hurting into fight for even just a few minutes each day for just you!! Just like your body and mind learned to survive while you are in total over ride, you have to reteach yourself to allow yourself some "me" time. Take tiny babysteps in the beginning and let it slowly turn into a full speed ahead run!! Good luck.
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