Suicidal (1st post)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blue Chord, Jan 6, 2010.

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  1. Blue Chord

    Blue Chord New Member


    I really don't know where to start. For what seems like forever, I've had suicidal thoughts. Right now, I'm a 30 year old male who is actually giving said thoughts serious consideration. While my life has been extremely difficult for as long as I can remember, the past 3-4 years have pushed me to register on this site and write this post.

    In early May of '06, my brother passed away. He was 26 years old and second born of 6 children in our family, with me being the first born of the siblings. My youngest sister found him lying face down on the floor in my room. We lived together and shared a room upstairs in a finished attic. I saw my brother sleeping about an hour before my sister found him dead when I was getting ready for work. He had foam around his mouth and lis lower limbs were already starting to turn blue. He died of what later turned out to be pneumonia.

    He was my dad's favorite child - my dad and brother even shared the same name. He was my dad's favorite because he reminded him of himself; was a tough guy, defended the family, had trouble with the law and did drugs. I never got involved in that scene. I had different friends and sought to keep my brother out of trouble. I did various things over the years to try and steer my brother away from getting in trouble. Nothing worked until he got his GF pregnant. Once he heard the news, he quit doing crime, laid off the drugs and even got a job. He died before his son was born.

    My father took my brother's death really hard. He basically neglected and belittled the rest of his children. All the while, I was feeling horrible for not trying to wake my brother when I was getting changed for work and he was still breathing. I still see images off my brother lying dead on the floor today.

    The following September, I started attending a private university to persue a degree in teaching. I had just finished my 2 year degree and would only need to take classes in the education program at the school. Trying to complete my degree in 2 years, I overloaded the classes and dropped down to working just a few days a week. Nervous about how I would afford to pay for school, I started stealing from work. I finished my first semester at the private school with excellent grades - I even made the president's list. However, during the winter break, I was caught stealing and arrested. I continued my studies while battling my legal issues. I hoped that because I had never been arrested before, that I would be eligible to make restitution (which I did) and still be able to teach. That was not the case - after 14 months in court, the best deal the state offered was 18 months conditional release. The good news: I didn't go to jail; the bad news: I am now a felon and am virtually unemployable.

    All my hard work up until that point was erased in a matter of months. The good grades, the avoiding trouble as a kid and trying to 'make something of myself' were thrown away when I signed the plea deal. Said plea deal took place in Feb '07; I finished the fall term at school that year and have not returned since. I fell 3 classes shy from obtaining my degree, and accumulated over 30K in debt that I cannot afford to pay back.

    I have 3 friends that I talk to semi-consistently. One knew I was stealing, the other just moved back from out of state, and the last I cannot bring myself to telling. He and his wife have become occasionaly date buddies with my GF and I. I 've also known this person since I was 8 years old. I'm afraid that telling him would ruin our friendship and/or our alter the relationship with the ladies. It's hard talking to him; he will ask why I am not teaching and or looking for a job in the education field. I continue lying to him to this day. We also played softball together over the summers. I have stopped playing the last 2 summers due to not wanting to have to socialize.

    Perhaps no single event over the past 3 years was as horrific as my sister's suicide. She killed herself this past September by overdosing in perscription drugs. She battled demons her whole life and eventually succumbed to them. She never got over our mother's death (1996) and my brother's passing, whom she was very close to, seemed to really intensify her downward spiral. She was only 27, one year older than my brother at the time of his passing.

    Today, I haven't worked in over 3 years, have no future, have lost the 2 siblings I was closest to, have no friends and feel like I really have nothing to live for. That's what makes it so hard this time around - before when I had suicidal thoughts, I could always steer my mind away by thinking about things like teaching, or doing things with my brothers and sisters, or perhaps one day getting married. These days, with the exception of getting married - and lets face it: who is going to be with a felon that has no job? - none are possible. When I analyze the situation, all signs point to being better off dead. I'm a 30 year old burden on a family that has very little money and can't afford to take care of grown-ups. More importantly, I really don;t want to live. The thought of having to live another 20,30 or even 40 more years makes me sick to my stomach.

    I really don't know what to do. I want to feel like there is something left to live for, I just don;t believe there is though.

    Sorry for the long-winded post.
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I'm sorry about your brother and sister. My family has all died away due to cancer. I was close to my cousin for many years, but he developed paranoid schizophrenia and has since disappeared.

    What has helped me is group therapy. Any group, spiritual, 12-step; they have given me some structure, at least someone to talk to. If you are able to go to a group at least twice a week, I'm sure you'll begin to feel that you're not alone in this. Listening to how other people handle their problems will give you time and insight into handling your own and making decisions in your life.

    I wish you nothing but healing and good health.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for your losses I too had a brother committ suicide and blame myself for his death. You have lost so many people in your life no wonder you are where your at right now. Is there no way to go back to school and finish your degree talk to the professors there or the school to see what can be done. One mistake in life should not undue all the good you could accomplish.
    Is there another avenue you could take in the same field seeing you have the education. I hope you can talk with your doctor and get on medication for your depression so you can think clearer and have more energy to keep going. I am glad you are here and hope someone can give you some insight on what avenues you can take to complete your education as this may be the key to turn around things. Please keep posting okay take care
  4. Blue Chord

    Blue Chord New Member

    I can return to school and complete the degree. However, I cannot, nor will I ever be able to teach. Another semester at the school I was attending will do nothing more than give me a piece of paper and another 8K in student loan debt. Felons that due wind-up getting jobs, often times get them in the manufacturing and construction - two fields that are essentially dead. I have no background in either setting nor do I have any desire to work in either field. I'm basically living like a high school kid with fewer choices and zero enthusiasm. Right now, I'm alive in a grave.

    I am not, nor have I ever been on medication for whatever 'problems' I have. The manta in our household was that 'medication was either for wimps or recreational use.' I'm not into either one.

    The support groups have been recommended before. I understand that there are people in the same or worse situations that I am in. That's what makes going to them almost intolerable. Most people do not gain control over their lives. I feel like gaining control is out of the picture for good. No amount of medication, reading or support is going to change that.

    The sands of time are running low.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to SF. I'm glad you found us.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister and brother. :hug: But what happened to your brother isn't your fault. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. I think anyone's normal reaction would have been to let him sleep; you didn't do anything wrong.

    You mentioned having a girlfriend. Does she know how you're feeling? Can you talk to her about what you're going through? It seems like you feel you have no hope for the future, but your GF is still with you. So I'm assuming she can see past the stealing and what happened because of it, to the decent person you truly are.

    Medications are used in so many different ways. There's nothing wrong with needing medication. It doesn't mean you're weak; and lots of people have to rely on meds to survive and live full lives.
  6. Blue Chord

    Blue Chord New Member

    My GF is still with me. We separated for a while during the initial few months of my arraignment, but has been pretty supportive. Things are not the same between us, though. She knows that I pissed away a great opportunity with the teaching. I think she also knows that I will not last long in a fast food or gas station setting.

    I feel like I do not bring a whole lot to the relationship. My feelings - in particular my anger and depression - lead to many arguments. Not sure what the future holds in store, but I'm sure there will be nothing long term (e.g. - no marriage or children), as we have already discussed this. I can't afford a child, either financially or emotionally, and, I do not have the income needed to pull my own way in any type of living arangement. This is not an indictment against my GF; it's an indictment on my inability to be a responsible adult. We both know this.

    No friends, no family, no job. The only thing keeping me alive is my fear of killing myself. If I had the courage, I'd be dead already.
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