When is it going to end? Thinking of doing it again. Just stand up, go upstairs and do it. I can't find any job in a profession where I'm not supposed to be unemployed. For some reason I'm just not finding it. It feels strange. On one hand I want to end my life. I have made all the preparations, even found and stashed away the means that my soon-to-be-ex husband hid away from me. I have a file with all the instructions and id and password to my account on this forum for him on my laptop. On the other, I am scared that I will do it. I just don't know what's going on. I feel I'm going crazy. I can't go to a&e because I know every single member of crisis team in mine and other neighbouring trusts, not to mention AMHPs and psychiatrists. I'm so scared. It feels like a force pulling me down, telling me to do it.