suicidal again :(

[UsedToBe]

When is it going to end? Thinking of doing it again. Just stand up, go upstairs and do it. I can't find any job in a profession where I'm not supposed to be unemployed. For some reason I'm just not finding it.

It feels strange.
On one hand I want to end my life. I have made all the preparations, even found and stashed away the means that my soon-to-be-ex husband hid away from me. I have a file with all the instructions and id and password to my account on this forum for him on my laptop.
On the other, I am scared that I will do it.

I just don't know what's going on. I feel I'm going crazy. I can't go to a&e because I know every single member of crisis team in mine and other neighbouring trusts, not to mention AMHPs and psychiatrists.

I'm so scared. It feels like a force pulling me down, telling me to do it.

 

[cutiepie132]

Your scared, maybe it's because you don't really want to die. Wanting to die or wanting emotional pain to stop or for your life to be better, is truly two different problems, but we fail to distinguish the difference, and for some reason, we make death look like the easy way out, the way to end all troubles, but the only thing your ending, is the precious life god gave you, there is no second chances, you can't come back and try once more if you succeed at what your planning to do..

Thinking about doing something is one thing, but if you have made a plan to do this, no excuses, you need to call 911. Please don't do this. You can't heal from depression by feeding into it.

Your not crazy, life just gets really hard to handle. A million people have been right there where you are at this very moment. Your not alone. I may not be there, but I want you to know I'll holding your hand, and I am going to do whatever it takes to keep you from doing anything you shouldn't do. I hope you hold on, and don't let go. At least give us the chance to try to help you before you decide to do something like this.

 

[jxdama]

what is your profession? we love you here

 

[peacelovingguy]

As I recall juniper works in the mental health industry?

So the reluctance is there to seek help.

Another member Golden Psych was also working in that field and succumbed to the illness - which makes it VERY awkward as your work colleagues would in effect know you had mental health issues.

Silly really - like expecting someone who worked in A and E to avoid getting treatment - it is the stigma of course.

juniper your offline now - but I do hope you get some help - or tell us here more about how you feel - we accept you and we do care.

Hope you feel better by tomorrow - a nice nights sleep can make it better - and I'm off for a nice 4 hours sleep now - I had 12 the other day. Zzzzzzz - I love a nice sleep! Recharge! Wake up and feel like kicking the postman out of joy.

 

[NJ_CB]

I feel scared too. I am told that is part of the deep down desire to live; that the fear of the act of suicide is a sign of hope. Right now I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I bet it is tough feeling like this and being in the health field. I am a lawyer and it is very tough to be in a field where you are supposed to be respected and tough and you feel so fragile and weak...and everyone sees through it.

 

[UsedToBe]

I do work in mh. Nearly did it yesterday, went to a&e. Didn't book myself in. Just sat in the waiting area full of people, it was Saturday night after all... sat and waited till I get properly tired, went back home, took two sleeping tablets, went to bed.

Every time I feel suicidal the urge gets stronger. It was the first time when I went to a&e. I feel so scared, so unsafe with my feelings, so out of control (