suicidal and alone

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by unnoticed, Oct 9, 2012.

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  1. unnoticed

    unnoticed Well-Known Member

    I'm so scared tonight. Don't trust myself. Need someone to turn to but don't have anyone. It's always been like that. Just wish there was someone who I could go to now but no. Will probably end up doing something stupid and then going to bed :( or maybe I should just give up and not have to feel like this ever again...
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Hey, heyyyy girlfrienddd!

    The dumb/unfortunate thing about 'giving up', is that (maybe your time on the forum could attest to that too), when this occurs, it doesn't end up occurring either. What I mean, is that a whole hoard of folks have been there and done that, and were "unsuccessful", and are still alive. I am writing this, having also been one of those people... lol??? So...

    As for that "something stupid"... I was reading a blog on my way home today, and it is Jenne Sawle's blog.... she writes and shares her artwork on her blog, which basically interprets or discusses her 25 years of sexual abuse at the hands of her family/father (incest), and also discusses her struggles with other things, such as her DID (disassociation's identity disorder), and just life in general. (Just giving a little background, in case you want to go check that out, but be warned that some of her content might nip at your emotional strings... or might trigger etc...).

    Anywhoozles, I am saying this, because one of her posts discussed something that she wrote about her own progress recently... and that was, that before she would self harm, and self harm, and more self harm....

    But that recently, she has been pushing herself to "draw.... draw... draw"... basically to give that pain a place to go, a place to be seen, a place to have it's story heard, a place that is not on her own body, or not in her own body.

    A place that, this time around, gives her something to show for it, something that is not a (as she put it) "stupid scar".

    I thought this was interesting, and am sharing it here with you now, because somewhere in there, maybe really far in there.... there is something that you CAN do... maybe you are really good at it, or maybe you secretly do it, and nobody knows... or maybe you kind of suck at it, but doing it makes you feel like you can get some kind of distraction, or release etc...

    That "something", would be just whatever it would take to convince yourself that in the place of self harm right now.... you could maybe do that.

    You took a step already in writing here. Writing, of course, is not everybody's 'forte'... but there are many interpretations of writing too... posting about it, writing letters to people who might be hurting you/harming you (so your pain can be clarified to your aggressors, if you can't verbally do that in real life), writing poetry, keeping a diary, logging how you feel etc...... all different ways of writing.

    Of course there is drawing, and just before I read this, I was actually clanking away on my electric keyboard (piano). I play around on it, though I am not that good, I play what I know extremely fast.... because I can, and because that's fun, and .... just lol...?, or just repeat certain chords... some kind of soothing nature it has for me. But that is something that I personally do... though I can't always go and do that, today I did that when I came home, because i was alone.

    You said that you are kind of alone, when you said that you don't have anyone... well you have me here now, though I am not always here for everything that you need, I admit....

    You also have yourself... so that is two people now, that can be onboard, on your team.

    You can have that "something" too...

    There are still things that you CAN have... even among all the things it seems that you "can't" get.

  3. unnoticed

    unnoticed Well-Known Member

    I attempted too. First time when I was 14. Wishing I was successful :( I write stuff sometimes or draw but im not good at it and sometimes just end up getting more triggered. And as for having myself. Not really.. I don't trust myself. I'm scared of myself right now.. dunno if that makes sense.
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    That makes sense..... I guess you wish that your intentions right now, went beyond what you are feeling (I.E. that you intended more for yourself, than to think about the different ways of ending it all, and just quitting life...).

    Interestingly enough, something else I read in the same blog today, was about pain, and going through it, and always having it there.... and she spoke about being triggered, or feeling worse.... but she wrote a very moving post, which in this instance, may kind of apply to you, and anyone else who might be troubled and reading this thread right now....which I will post here:

    Get your shoes on, kitten.

    This week has been difficult. It's been way beyond that- I've had so much to do and I've had so many painful memories- I feel like I can hardly tolerate the memories.

    On Saturday nights I usually sit and knit or draw with one of my good friends and last night I was telling her about this painful week. And I told her then that I'm so sad and overwhelmed.... I told her I don't really even want to go to the opera today. Even though I've had tickets for months, even though opera is kind of one of my favorite things in the world. I just feel so sad and incredibly tortured by these thoughts/memories that have come up. I told her I felt like not going today and she said, 'Don't let him win.'

    I can't type that without crying. It's such a fight to do this healing work. The memories have been so painful... how can I sit in the fifth row of the opera and tolerate the brilliant realness of that because it will make the thoughts in my head feel more real? Wait, fifth row? ;)

    This is how it goes. Life and life after trauma- I can feel sad all morning and still get the house cleaned up and get ready to go. I can feel bad and do every single thing I need to get done before I go to the opera this afternoon. I can be hurt and still go. That's reality. It's painful and complicated and often messy. But it is also happening.

    So dear Jenny- I'm sorry you were hurt so much- but get your shoes on kitten because it's Donizetti Sunday.

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you don't have to be afraid now ok because you are here with us and you won't have to be alone Just hang out here ok hun hugs toyou
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