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Suicidal and down so long

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Alone613, Aug 3, 2008.

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  1. Alone613

    Alone613 Active Member

    I'm new here. I'm a very young 63 year old, active grandma with 11 grandchildren and one on the way. My grandchildren love me and I know it because they're so obvious about it - and that I'm their "funnest" grandparent. I have a great job, and students who call me Grandma after they graduate. Their parents love me too. And all I want is to die.

    I'm so tired of explaining what has happened to me that I have taken a while before deciding to even touch on it until now. I've been married 40 years, and two years ago, the week of our thirty-eighth anniversary, my husband walked. But first, while I was at work, he called our children and told them that I'd demanded a divorce! For over twenty eight years, he has manipulated and ruled me with threats of a divorce. Our children know he is a lazy, selfish, s.o.b., but suddenly, for reasons I just can't understand, he is their darling. Yes, they decided to take sides and then decide that I am a horrible, lying, immodest, man-chasing, unfaithful queen bitch of the universe. I don't understand any of this, I just don't! I've had two years of one of my "children" [age 38] writing horrible letters to anyone he finds out who befriends me, and will not een let me talk to his children. My daughter went through 18 months of letting me see the kids and then not letting me see them. Other people have insinuated themselves into this situation and spread lies about me that are beyond reasonable belief. I don't know how people who used to be such close friends could do this to me. One even told my best friend that the whole family would be best off if I were dead. Then she and her husband [who are known to be "physical" when they get angry], threatened to rip me apart from limb to limb.

    My husband wants the divorce, but hasn't filed in two years. I make 24K / year and he makes 120K but cn't spare me more than $800! He lives rent free, food free, heat, air conditioning, etc., etc., free with our daughter. Every time I go there to see my grandchildren, I have to take extra sedatives so I don't retch - which is what happens when I see him.

    I am humiliated beyond belief that he is living with our daughter - that our daughter took sides. And I can't get a connection back with my daughter, though she has calmed down a lot. My husband diden't even want these children! I have loved them and adored them and NOT spoiled them for all the years they grew up into wonderful young people. A few lies from their father and interference and lies from these other people, and I am a pariah.

    I spend every evening talking myself out of taking all my pills. I did it once before and by the time they got me to the hospital, my heart stopped, I had no pulse, and my lungs weren't operating. They had to use the paddles to bring me back. I have not had one morning when I have awakened and been glad that they didn't let me die. Why did they do that? I am rotting as I breathe. I am in so much pain, and every week, that s.o.b. finds a new way to hurt me and torture me. I already have an ulcer. My doctors are worried about every test they've run on me - except cholesterol. They say I'm ripe for a stroke or heart attack, except I have low blood pressure.

    I am dying - little by little, I am losing the will to live, and sooner or later, I will just stop breathing. I am so horribly sad and just don't understand what has happened. One night, it will get to be too much for me, and I will do it again. But this time, it will be far out on a country road, isolated, where nobody will find me and rescue me.

    I saw no shining light, no being. I experienced only a wonderful black nothingness, a total lack of being when I was dead. It doesn't scare me. Life is frightening.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry to hear your husband is behaving this way and forcing your children to take sides. They should know you better than that. Children, no matter how old, should never be placed in the middle. It sounds as if you are better off without him in your life. I only hope your children will come around and see him for what he is. If you need to undergo counseling to help you deal with these issues, please do not hesitate to do so. :hug:
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you feel this way. I am sure that your children will come back around hun, they are probably very confused right now, being plced in the middle, but they will work out that it's you who has their best interests at heart and not him.
    As gentlelady said it would be advisabe to seek counselling for you to help deal with this. Seeking help is a big step.
    I do hope things work out for you soon :hug:
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