Hi I haven't posted to these forums for a long time. But I just wanted to write something down somewhere to get it off my chest and I have nobody else I can talk to. Feeling horribly suicidal today which often happens to me. I have felt like this for about 4 years now. Some days worse than others. I feel as if I live my whole life waiting for the right time to do it but there never is a right time. I have responsibilities and people to think of and I feel selfish to think and feel like this but I just can't help it. It just happens to me. I have tried to get help from doctors but they just won't take me seriously. Family are unsupportive too. I tried to tell my partner that I'm suicidal but he just thought I was being hysterical and basically laughed at me like the doctors did. Anybody else I can't even attempt to say I feel depresed let alone suicidal. I feel like I'm someone who isn't allowed to feel like this and any attempt at saying I feel down results in looks of disgust that someone like me could even suggest it. I am alone in the house every day and I have the means and enough time to do what I want to do but I just don't have the guts to do it and not sure I would do it properly. I spend every day thinking about it and counting the hours until other people come home. When I realise they will be home soon and I no longer have enough time to kill myself I go into a panic knowing that I will have to live another day and I just sit here panicking and crying. I have spent the whole afternoon in bed. I couldn't sleep but just felt like I was nailed to the bed by this feeling of dread that is in my chest. I just don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with my problems or life in any way. Another part of me knows its all irrational and ridiculous and if I didn't feel like this I could do things in lifeand it wouldn't be so bad but that doesn't make these thoughts and feelings go away. I have to go away in a few days on a long journey to stay with a family member who needs some help right now. I hate that I am having such despicable selfish thoughts. I hate that given the chance I would die rather than go and help them. I have made that journey many times in the last few years and I spend the whole time fantasising about suicide. Standing on train platforms thinking that I could just throw myself in front of any of the trains. There is also a very high bridge near where I stay that is a notorious suicide spot. Every night I fight the temptation to just walk out of the house and go there. My family are all delighted to see me and inside I just want to die. Spending every day acting as though I am enjoying my time but just counting the hours until I can go to bed and just lie there doing nothing. I really cannot put into words the eternal dread and fear that I know is selfish but I know that I cannot control or stop. Anyway I just wanted to write something here. I feel sick and horrible. I won't be killing myself today but the feeling won't leave me. I am dead inside already which sounds dramatic but its the absolute truth. I am so frightened and alone.