Suicidal and scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pixie, Jul 19, 2012.

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  1. Pixie

    Pixie Member

    Hi I haven't posted to these forums for a long time. But I just wanted to write something down somewhere to get it off my chest and I have nobody else I can talk to.

    Feeling horribly suicidal today which often happens to me. I have felt like this for about 4 years now. Some days worse than others. I feel as if I live my whole life waiting for the right time to do it but there never is a right time.

    I have responsibilities and people to think of and I feel selfish to think and feel like this but I just can't help it. It just happens to me. I have tried to get help from doctors but they just won't take me seriously. Family are unsupportive too. I tried to tell my partner that I'm suicidal but he just thought I was being hysterical and basically laughed at me like the doctors did. Anybody else I can't even attempt to say I feel depresed let alone suicidal. I feel like I'm someone who isn't allowed to feel like this and any attempt at saying I feel down results in looks of disgust that someone like me could even suggest it.

    I am alone in the house every day and I have the means and enough time to do what I want to do but I just don't have the guts to do it and not sure I would do it properly. I spend every day thinking about it and counting the hours until other people come home. When I realise they will be home soon and I no longer have enough time to kill myself I go into a panic knowing that I will have to live another day and I just sit here panicking and crying.

    I have spent the whole afternoon in bed. I couldn't sleep but just felt like I was nailed to the bed by this feeling of dread that is in my chest. I just don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with my problems or life in any way. Another part of me knows its all irrational and ridiculous and if I didn't feel like this I could do things in lifeand it wouldn't be so bad but that doesn't make these thoughts and feelings go away.

    I have to go away in a few days on a long journey to stay with a family member who needs some help right now. I hate that I am having such despicable selfish thoughts. I hate that given the chance I would die rather than go and help them. I have made that journey many times in the last few years and I spend the whole time fantasising about suicide. Standing on train platforms thinking that I could just throw myself in front of any of the trains. There is also a very high bridge near where I stay that is a notorious suicide spot. Every night I fight the temptation to just walk out of the house and go there.

    My family are all delighted to see me and inside I just want to die. Spending every day acting as though I am enjoying my time but just counting the hours until I can go to bed and just lie there doing nothing.

    I really cannot put into words the eternal dread and fear that I know is selfish but I know that I cannot control or stop.

    Anyway I just wanted to write something here. I feel sick and horrible. I won't be killing myself today but the feeling won't leave me. I am dead inside already which sounds dramatic but its the absolute truth. I am so frightened and alone. :(
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well done for posting this, it's hard when others cannot see how we feel.
    What do you think has made you feel like this?

    Remember you are not alone.
  3. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    I'd agree with windlepoons, and add that sometimes we hide our feelings and thoughts so well, people can't believe when we say how we really feel.

    best wishes

  4. Pixie

    Pixie Member

    Thanks for your replies.

    I do know why I feel like this. I'm in a horrible relationship with someone who makes it quite obvious that he can't stand me. For various reasons I'm too scared to leave and even if I did I would have nowhere to go and he would still make my life hell. He never tells me he loves me or says anything nice whatsoever. He tells me I'm fat (even though I'm not I'm a normal weight for my height) he makes me go on diets. He constantly makes what he calls 'jokes' about me being fat, ugly, old. (I'm none of these things). He has backed me into a corner financially and has saved a huge amount of money in his bank account but refuses to pay for anything. I pay for most things out of my own overdraft and that is almost all gone. I have no idea how I am going to pay for anything beyond the next few weeks. Despite all this he calls me a 'sponger'. He barks orders at me to make the tea and dinner etc. Laughs at me if he sees me doing something like cleaning the kitchen floor and says 'that makes me happy to see you doing what a woman should be doing.'

    If I get angry about his comments he says 'It's just a joke calm down, whats wrong with you? You're crazy.' But then the next day he just does it all over again. Just never ending nasty comments. He is becoming more and more nasty every day. He thinks as long as he doesn't abuse me physically then anything else is fair game. He is just using me to bring up his child while he bullies me the whole time. He will save lots of money and I am going to end up with nothing. He often likes to point out women in newspapers or on TV who claim money from their husbands and remarks what bitches they are and that they shouldn't be entitled to anything. Just for the record I myself worked full time for 7 years and paid every bill and all the rent etc while he did nothing. Now that he is the one working he sees it as a free license to treat me like crap even though he basically never gives me a penny.

    I have no friends left and my family live far away. People just assume because he is working that he is good to me and must look after me and our child.

    He can see that I'm totally miserable but just doesn't give a damn. When he leaves the house every morning he refuses to say goodbye and just walks out and slams the door behind him. When he comes back thats when he starts with the nasty remarks and 'jokes' about me being crap at cooking. He starts asking if I have done laundry, if I went shopping, why hasn't this been done or that been done. (When he wasn't working he didn't lift a finger all day).

    We both smoke cannabis but when he buys it he always tells people that he doesn't smoke it and he is buying it for me. He is growing a cannabis plant which he makes me look after and nags if it isn't watered or whatever. Then keeps saying that if the police ever find about it he is going to tell them it is mine. When I asked him why yet again he said he was joking but I know he isn't.

    I feel like I live with an enemy who is waiting for any opportunity to get at me. He can see how depressed and miserable I am but he just seems to enjoy watching me go downhill. All this makes me so angry and I've started to retaliate more and more so there are now just constant arguments and I'm always the one ends up apologising. The only reason I apologise is to end it. After the argument ends he goes into the front room which he has basically made into 'his room' (I spend most of my time sitting in the bedroom) and he plays songs loudly like Guns n Roses 'I used to love her' which is a 'jokey' song about a man who kills his ex wife. The lyrics go 'I used to love her but I had to kill her. I had to put her six feet under but I can still hear her complain.'

    I don't know how all this sounds to other people but to me the pain it causes in indescribable. I have started to self harm myself by hitting myself repeatedly. I try not to do it but I do it when I get so angry and I have no other way to express it. I currently have a black eye from punching myself in the face and huge bruises all over my legs and arms. When he saw the black eye he said that now people would think he did it and he told me not to go out in our neighbourhood.

    Even though it's easy to write this all here it's difficult to put into words in real life. I don't tell anyone and having to smile and pretend everything is okay is very hard. People often comment about me being lucky to be in relationship. The world seems to think that being with someone and having a child must mean you are the happiest person alive. I think this is why people find it offensive if I appear unhappy in any way.

    I've always had a tendency to think suicidal thoughts if I am stressed or down and have suffered from depression long before I even met him so I accept that isn't actually the whole reason why I feel like this. But my situation is really bringing me down and I just can't deal with it. I feel like by the time I can walk out without him making it difficult I will be quite old and I'll have no money or anything. I just see nothing in my future apart from it being a struggle full of pain. I have considered every option possible. I have even considered just running away and disappearing from everyone I know. But the pain would still be there. Thats why the best idea just seems to be to end it all. Just nothingness. It would be better than this.
  5. lifesucks012

    lifesucks012 New Member

    Hi Pixie.. I really think in order for you to get better you have to leave that douche bag. You deserve way better. No one should ever put up with a spouse like that. Please do yourself a favor, roll the dice and take your chances by splitting. Is it possible for you to move in with a family member until you get on your feet? You mentioned in your post that you haven't talked to anyone about this? If you have any decent family member, I think they would really try to help you out.
  6. lifesucks012

    lifesucks012 New Member

    oh one more thing. I think you have a really good chance of getting well again.
  7. Yati

    Yati Well-Known Member

    It's not selfish to consider your own emotions, and it doesn't make you a horrible person. Remember you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Do not feel guilty about it, and it is hard when others won't understand. If you need someone to try to understand I offer my hand if you want PM me. It always helps to have a friend and someone to confide in.

    It also sounds like you are in a destructive relationship, you feel bad because he wants you to feel that way. You need to find a way out, I know you live far away from your family, but you need to contact them when you can. I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but you need to take care of yourself. Remember often when people treat others horrible, it is sometimes a reflection of themselves they are putting on the other person.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2012
  8. DDK

    DDK New Member

    You deserve BETTER - Tell him too kick fucking rocks.
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