Now, right now I'm not particularly suicidal but as I am hypomanic I am quite happy with things right now. Over the last number of years I have suffered from ultra radian bipolar with psychosis and flashbacks every ten to fifteen minutes, this has been largely untreatable and even though it seems now that there is a solution through drug treatment it makes me wonder. Why exactly should we be so dead set against euthanasia for the mentally ill? lol, yes, protect the vulnerable yet at the same time we judge us with the same standards applied to the normal, sure, execute the scitzophrenics, heck, why not? We pap them off too mental wards to endure suffering and visit them when we feel like it just to pat ourselves on the back like we did some good. Sure, it's nice to get the problem out of sight and out of mind but most people have never seen the kind of pain some of us go through. Suicide only became an issue when religion took hold and it is still used as a primary argument when trying to dissuade people from CTB. Who the hell are they to put an element of doubt in our minds when really all they have to substantiate their beliefs is faith, no fact, nothing other than belief! If I chose to go then so be it, it is not right for others to judge, it is not right for others to say I am wrong, it is my life and if I so choose then I have every right to end it. Socrates and Plato had far better ideas over the afterlife than Jesus, not saying Jesus was wrong or not a nice guy just that they had far more logic in their opinions. Ok, anyway, onto my real problem. After years of probs I finally gave up hope, sure I cried for help through self harm but the system failed, the same one which judges people for taking their lives. I decided to research it this time, over a few months I've seen people pass on, the rate is pretty high and the ones who fail tend not to take advice given to them on methods. Such as do not take XXX as it will be prolonged and painful. Last guy I saw doing this got hit 8 days on, 4 days later and the dude shot himself. can't blame him, I have in the past hurt my liver, pissed, pucked and well...you know excreted bile from every exit. Felt like I was lying on hot coals or daggers. Not fun. warned the guy but heck, his choice. Their are however easier ways to go, ones which knock you out, go to sleep and there it ends. Please don't ask, I have no intention to talk about them on here. So my problem is, all I need is 2 chemicals, easy to get or even perhaps a few drugs which really are not hard to get and I fear like last time I end up figuring it's all over and take the leap when quite frankly I am wrong about it. Where in the last case I thought my limited choices became no choices I figured on ending it I know it can happen again. Also, something I picked up on tonight was that I switch really easily, I go from very happy to angry, get into fights, can't stop thinking about shit and please don't say "try", I suffer from racing thoughts and it is simply not an option. Fuck, XXXX right now someone please, life on others would be far easier. BTW, what the heck is with the President of the US not sending out letters to the military victims of suicide? seems to just help reinforce others felings on this topic and most have never seen real pain. Now goodbye! I have a parachute lesson and I'm packing lunch this time.