I had panic attacks really bad, went through a lot of shit, and scared. Different meds, horrible mood swings crying bursts, hospital trips, etc. They put me on ativan, tried to get off, Went throught something I never did before. It was unbearable. I read up on it, and benzodiazapines are terrible to get off of and last days, the withdrawel... everyone i tell about it "drs, and stuff" act mad at me and say its terribly addictive and i shouldnt be on itl, but I wasn't trying to be like that. I was so scared of becomming addicted when they first put me on xanax... it's my worst fear realized and i live wiht it everyday I april I tried to kill myself. I was in ICU for three days. they pumped me full of ativan and my psych said i was abusing it and tried to ween me off, but there was too much in me. They tried other things but I was worse and couldnt get off ativan. I had a new doc and am still on it however, i cna't see him till friday, there's no psychiatrists in the city i'm in and one was rude to me like i was seeking drugs when that is not the case. i woul dstop it if i could. i have 4 left. i take 3 a day. The problem is, i know it's horrible, but just feeling it for 5 minutes, which i did, scares the shit out of me, and I don't ever want to go through it again. I would rather die. This is whre I'm at. I hate being dependant on something, but i hate what led me there, and i hate tha tif i get off, it will be worse than that... If the er doesnt give me any tomorrow... i feel i have no choice. The withdrawel is so painful and terrifying, it's like nothing in the world... I would describe but anytihngi write wouldnt do it justice. IT's hell on earth, i would imagine. This is why I want to die.