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Suicidal because experimented

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by suicidal maniac, Feb 21, 2010.

  1. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I experimented, around 10 years ago, and again I had just thoughts last year, and now I feel all confused, feeling all gay, but the whole idea makes me sick, I admit sometimes it sounds hot, but that's just the drugs talking, now I'm off the drugs, and I see the mess I created. I spent all last night chanting to myself how I'm gona die, I'm gona die, because I was feeling gay, it makes me feel weak, and I can feel myself acting like a girl, I'm also Schizophrenic, so I can hear my neighbours calling me a fag. All because 10 years ago I thought it might be fun to call a dude escort over because I was high on E. It wasn't even fun, honestly I didn't enjoy any of the 1 minute of sex we had which cost me $200. I told the guy "I guess I'm not gay", but it left me a fag, and now when I do drugs I get confused sometimes, and my next door neighbour is a bisexual girl, so I thought I would have some fun with them in my head, and now I'm a biger fag, just because I'm an idiot.

    Sorry for the rambling I just have to let it all out. I know people have bigger problems, but to me this is the biggest problem in the world. Please I need some support, I know this guy who can sell me a gun for $300, I don't want to spend my money on stupid things.

    My parent's want to kick me out because I attacked my step dad because I kept hearing him calling me a big fag in my head, I keep talking down on him, I know it's not my fault, although, when I was little I remember him and my mother having sex, and I remember feeling it in my butt and it felt good, evertime they had sex I would listen to them, and I would feel it in my butt, I would look forward to these times, becuase I enjoyed it, I know what a little fag, now I blame him because I'm blaming that situation for my later experimentation. I don't know if I'm right, I hear the voices telling me that I'm wrong as I experimented becasue I missed my father that much and that I couldn't take the pain anymore. That sounds right to. Now my parent's want me to move out on my own, becasue I'm acting like an assholle towards them I yell and call them names.

    All this because I turned into a schizophrenic and I decided to tell my mother that I experimented, because I was feering that I lost my mind. I should not have told her, that's why I'm suicidal.

    If you read this fahr thanks.
  2. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    This is what I mean nobody gives a shit about me, 51 views and not one reply, is the story so fucking stupid and crazy? Go fuckyourselfs. Nice support.
  3. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I give a shit. Sound like you're confused, but I don't think you're gay. Being high on something generally lowers your inhibitions, so if any hidden desires are going to come out, that's when it will happen. If you were high during that escort incident, and still weren't turned-on, it's likely it's because men don't attract you.

    As to the bi-sexual girl next door, fantasizing about being with two girls, whether they're doing anything to each other or not is pretty common for a straight guys and I wouldn't worry about it.

    I hope things can be worked out with the family. I don't know if you're on meds, but seeing a doctor would be a good step to take.

    Take care. :console: You can send me a PM if you need to.
  4. Mattius459

    Mattius459 Member

    You seem to have a negative view about being gay. Who cares if you are gay or not. I think you are obsessed with the idea of being gay, when really it doesn't matter at all. Don't be ashamed of how you feel, straight or gay. Not because I said it, but because it is just plain true.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2010
  5. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    my best friend is gay, so what
    he is succesfull in his career and happy leading his life
    being gay isnt that bad as long as you have some decent people around you that dont judge you. if you do not have that it is at times better to keep it for yourself. sounds like you are floading somewhere in the middle and dont know yet what you are or want to be?
    try to ignore all sexual feelings for a while and try to pick up your life.you are so hard on yourself it seems you trying to find someone to blame for what your sexual feelings are.there is no need for that.hang in there buddy
  6. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    i read ur post .. i really think u seem a little unstable right now and u need to see a doc and get on some meds to help u with the schizophrenia... u need to get that under control 1st and then u will be able to deal with the other shit after.... just my 2 cents
  7. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Well, if they're anything like me, they just don't know what to say. If I don't feel that I have any good advice, or anything worth saying, I just don't post at all. I wait for someone who's more eloquent than me to post.

    I agree with Cybrsk8r, I don't think you're gay. It's natural to be curious though. It's part of being human. Even if you are gay, there's nothing wrong with it.

    Like I said, I really don't have much worth saying, so I don't usually post. :/
  8. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry you are going through a rough time but keep in mind many of us are going through rough times as well. personally, when you started saying stuff like "feeling all gay and that makes me sick......it makes me feel weak....it left me a fag....now i'm a bigger fag...." and other gay negative things it made me less likely to respond. not because i think you are a bad person (i don't) but i just don't have much of a response to that.

    i've spent much of my life being told how wrong i am for being gay. i've been beat up, picked on, kicked out of my place of living, and harassed at work for being gay. your post and some of that language brings back unpleasant memories for me and so i chose not to respond immediately.

    but because i see that you are in pain over this i do feel compelled to say something. first, from what you've said here i'd guess curious yes, gay no. there aren't many exclusively gay guys that fantasize about bisexual women. i am gay, and yes, i have wondered about sex with women but i can honestly say i don't really fantasize about it. it's more like a passing thought. and usually if i start actually fantasizing about it i end up thinking about a guy having sex with a woman and focusing on the guy.

    so, does any of this help? if nothing else i hope it helps you understand why i didn't respond right away.
  9. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Experimentation doesn't make you gay. I did it once. I regret it but at least I tried to see another prospective. Experimenting is part of growing older. Its not a big deal, it will be ok. And if you decide you want to be gay then hey no big deal, there is nothing wrong with being gay.
  10. Ricky Ortega

    Ricky Ortega New Member

  11. Ricky Ortega

    Ricky Ortega New Member

    Yo . I'm 23 and experminted with my own male cousin. I'm a male to. I was about 15 when we did it. I have been suffering from major depression for the last 5 years for it. I don't know what to do. Ive tried medication, therapy and now psychiatrists are telling me I'm bipolar and schizophrenic. I think it's true cuz I hear voices now and I'm delusional some times. I developed a psychosis problem from smoking to much weed, but I think it actually form the trauma that I have. Trauma from the gay experimenting I did. It confuses me because I've tried to rationalizeing my actions but nothing seems to help. Now matter how i view what I've done I still feel depressed. I've told my self it doesn't matter what I did, I've told my self it was just out of curiosity etc... but no matter what I say or do I'm still depressed as fuck. So trust me your not alone.
  12. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hey there, @Ricky Ortega If you notice, this post was really old (7 years old and the poster has been gone since a year after this was posted) so this thread is essentially dead. But you managed to dig it up from somewhere so it struck a chord with you.
    I'm glad you're in counseling for the thoughts that you're having. You could be having those because of drugs, trauma or just brain chemicals that aren't right. If you don't feel that wrecked about you and your cousin then it was just an experimental thing that young people do and that was that. Do you feel like it was something that you're traumatized by now? Or are you just tripping like the original poster was about somehow that made him gay?
    Schizophrenia most commonly starts to show up in the early 20's so you're right there. I hope you get some meds on board and start to feel better soon, man. Take care of yourself and we'll see you around.