I experimented, around 10 years ago, and again I had just thoughts last year, and now I feel all confused, feeling all gay, but the whole idea makes me sick, I admit sometimes it sounds hot, but that's just the drugs talking, now I'm off the drugs, and I see the mess I created. I spent all last night chanting to myself how I'm gona die, I'm gona die, because I was feeling gay, it makes me feel weak, and I can feel myself acting like a girl, I'm also Schizophrenic, so I can hear my neighbours calling me a fag. All because 10 years ago I thought it might be fun to call a dude escort over because I was high on E. It wasn't even fun, honestly I didn't enjoy any of the 1 minute of sex we had which cost me $200. I told the guy "I guess I'm not gay", but it left me a fag, and now when I do drugs I get confused sometimes, and my next door neighbour is a bisexual girl, so I thought I would have some fun with them in my head, and now I'm a biger fag, just because I'm an idiot. Sorry for the rambling I just have to let it all out. I know people have bigger problems, but to me this is the biggest problem in the world. Please I need some support, I know this guy who can sell me a gun for $300, I don't want to spend my money on stupid things. My parent's want to kick me out because I attacked my step dad because I kept hearing him calling me a big fag in my head, I keep talking down on him, I know it's not my fault, although, when I was little I remember him and my mother having sex, and I remember feeling it in my butt and it felt good, evertime they had sex I would listen to them, and I would feel it in my butt, I would look forward to these times, becuase I enjoyed it, I know what a little fag, now I blame him because I'm blaming that situation for my later experimentation. I don't know if I'm right, I hear the voices telling me that I'm wrong as I experimented becasue I missed my father that much and that I couldn't take the pain anymore. That sounds right to. Now my parent's want me to move out on my own, becasue I'm acting like an assholle towards them I yell and call them names. All this because I turned into a schizophrenic and I decided to tell my mother that I experimented, because I was feering that I lost my mind. I should not have told her, that's why I'm suicidal. If you read this fahr thanks.