Suicidal: Beyond Reality and Wanting help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pinkpetals33, Jul 27, 2008.

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  1. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    I'm new to the boards.

    I'm sure alot of you can relate.

    I am very very numb and beyond reality. I have no emotions. I fake all of my daily interactions with people.

    I am not on meds.... I have a 20 year history of eating disorders,been depressed and suicidal since 3 years old. Have several attempts in the past. I refuse help,,,,,my former therapist wants me to admit myself into the hospital but I do NOT see the rationale. I am unhappy and SEE "fading" as a solution.

    You can't getter better if you do not want help --right? I am there. It is black and white to me.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello PinkPedal,
    Welcome to the forum!! I hope once you start talking to clients that you will realize that there are alot of people on line with similar problems. We are here on our own trying to find answers and to receive support from people that truley understand the problems we face on a dailey basis.
    We also try to show support and concern. Other words we are here for you!! Do you mind if I ask why your not taking meds? It sounds like to me that your therapist is concerned about you. Are you afraid of going to the hospital? I am sure you have been in there before. So you know it isn't that bad just boring!! I hope we can help you shed a light on why you are so negative towards letting others help you. Good Luck and if you need to talk you can PM me. Take Care...
  3. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    I like the idea of talking here b/c everyone here understands that "fading" feeling......some will make it and some will not.

    I've tried meds in the past......I'm very stubborn and perfectionist thinking that I CAN do this on my a degree feel superhuman.

    I work in healthcare and probably more so in denial. I do not like to feel like a patient or perhaps deny my problems. I've been asked by several psychiatrists to leave their offices b/c they could not help me.

    My last therapist is afraid if he makes a move, I will's a 50/50 risk for both of us.

    I'm just real numb.

    thanks for the warm welcome.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. You will find people that share your feelings. i wish you would not rule out hospitalization, but I know it really would not help if you weren't willing to let it. Maybe you can find a shred of hope while you are here. If not, perhaps some good friendships can be developed. Take care and stay safe if you can. :hug:
  5. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    Welcome! :smile: I hope you can find what you need. Take care.
  6. AnxiousBoy

    AnxiousBoy Member

    hey mate pinkpetals33!

    i can feel you. real numb, antisocial, no emotions.

    never been talking to any therapist, i am to stubborn to believe that any meds can make me feel better or make me more social and open. i think that good understanding friend can do much better. peace
  7. hare

    hare Active Member

    is there anyone you know who understands how you feel? you're in the right place for that sort of thing.
  8. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    It's interesting......

    I do not lack social skills as I am known to be "happy" and life of a room. People always feel "better" and happier when I am around them.....I do make efforts with friends,family and coworkers to be good company but that is all superficial and changing.....while I am around them, I am immersed in thoughts of suicide. I spend my days off driving and walking the bridge.

    I rarely take a shower anymore......crying everyday....... I wear the same clothes day after day....I don't have a desire to talk to people. If anything, they suffocate me. I feel like a soldier in battle......drained and ready to give up his gun and make peace.

    my other life is at home. I sit here with the four walls. I cringe and hold my breath if a friend knocks at the door. I suffer from OCD too so that takes up my time......

    yet at the same time, I like it this way b/c I am familiar with it all.....

    As far as friends go, they don't understand me......all of them have always said that I am a strange bird. They accept that and let me be.....
  9. AnxiousBoy

    AnxiousBoy Member

    I can also be nice and friendly to people but often I space out and become unconcerned on anything but my own thoughts.
  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Do you zone out and not be thinking of anything too?

    I often feel hypnotized
  11. AnxiousBoy

    AnxiousBoy Member

    sometimes. yeah that happens. but mostly i'm preoccupied with my own thoughts and I'm hearing nothing but them. People can buzz me right in front of my nose but I'm just not there. i think too much. I think all the time to the point I can't fall asleep unless im repeating same word in my head over and over again... sounds silly. but works. (better than sleeping pills)

    im afraid im going mad :unsure: :smile:
    sorry if im gone a little offtopic now.

    anyways, i see myself alot in you. maybe i have also some disorders in my head but i never went for any professional help. i refuse! :dry:
  12. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I have that too....people will be practically screaming or talking loud at me and I just don't hear I'm locked away in some other world.

    I hear ya on the doctors prescribed the strongest sleeping med and I don't fall alseep.

    So what word are you repeating?

    I'm sorry about your mother.....btw.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello PinkPetals,
    I have been reading your posts and I am still concerned that you want to self heal. It is not easy to fight depression on your own. If you won't take meds and you won't go in to the hospital will you at least think about a therapist to learn coping skills. They can't repeat what you talk about. They have to take an oath just like a doctor. I hope you will at least try this route and see if it doesn't help..Good Luck and keep posting...
  14. AnxiousBoy

    AnxiousBoy Member

    i am not trying to talk you out of the meds. maybe it can help you. im just saying what i think about 'em.
    what i am repeating? mostly its just fast repeating the words "nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing...." in croatian of course, to aim my thoughts to 'nothing'. or i count from 1-10 real fast in loops. helps for me if i can't sleep.

    no need to be sorry but thanks for compassion.
  15. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I'm curious, do you find yourself feeling more "liberated" in one language or the other????

    I speak several languages and find that english, I feel the most depressed. My parents native tongue, I feel comfortable but French gives me more confidence. Does that makes sense to you?
  16. AnxiousBoy

    AnxiousBoy Member

    i don't think the language is important. i just repeat words, to blank out my thoughts.
    try it sometime if your head is full of rubbish before sleep. helps me.
  17. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    What language do you think in? Can you purposly think in different ones?
  18. Ninja

    Ninja Active Member

    Pink Petals.. I urge you to seek professional help if things are this bad, may Christ be with you.
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