I always wanted to avoid signing up on a forum and, without having contributed myself, just post a "this is my problem, help me"-message. But it's becoming a long hunt for answers. I want to be able to relate to anyone or any story out there in regards to suicidal thoughts such as mine. Thing is.. nothing reallygoes wrong in my life. I'm in my twenties, no serious trauma, had friends and a steady relationship, I own a pleasant home. I don't even feel anything bad (not particulary good either; kind of numb). But for years now, I'm growing some sense of guilt. It started off small, without any clear reason. Now it's getting out of hands. I've grown increasingly fond of nature, but in an unhealthy way. I'm vegan and eat less and less, simply because I don't want to "take". I feel guilty for every second my pc is running. I give shelter to wounded birds, stray cats and dogs, but my friends start to wonder why I'm isolating myself to the point where most of my days are without any human contact. Teachers are also wondering why I no longer show up or turn in papers. I've been neglecting the love of my life and when I lost her because of that, I didn't even try to stop her. It sucked, but I think I actually wanted her to be with a person who is pleasant and well, not like this. I also don't tell anyone about what I have, because that would just make them worried or think of me as some drama king. I'm completely overwhelmed by the damage people are causing; how chaotic and destructive we as a species are amongst each other and to the world around us. It feels impossible to work or study, because then I feel guilty for sustaining the mankind's systematic murder of our world. I frequently spend hours just lying on the floor. I can't sleep until I am too fatigued. When I lie in bed, I fantasize about the only sensible thing I can do: to give myself back to nature, so that my organic material can be food for something that -should- live, unlike me. I feel like a cancer cell in a massive tumor that is our species. I want to walk out, get lost in a forest, hide myself in dirt and leaves and then off myself. The idea seems so extremely calm and sensible.. We all die so I ask myself "why postpone? because the only result is that I just take up space for longer". The reason I haven't done anything, is because I know I sound like a nutcase. It feels so "right" to take my own life and so wrong for me to exist, but if it truly is such a logical decision, great minds of our time would feel the same way. It doesn't change the fact that this is going downhill and I don't know for how much longer I can shake off or reason with these thoughts and feelings. They're getting so strong and convincing and they force-feed me with so much self-hatred. Right now, it feels as if I say "sorry" for every time I breath. I've read some psychology, but can't find any explanation for what I have: a person with nothing wrong in his life, not even suffering depression, suddenly drowns in existential guilt and starts to sabotage his life to the point he wants to end it. It really embarrasses me how my post looks so self-pitying and I don't want to burden/rely on others with something I need to work out for myself; especially people I don't know and never did anything for. I only read stories about actual, real problems here. This feels like complaining about a broken nail amongst people with a broken neck, but I think I really kind of needed to do this.