Suicidal but there's not even something wrong

[Water]

I always wanted to avoid signing up on a forum and, without having contributed myself, just post a "this is my problem, help me"-message. But it's becoming a long hunt for answers. I want to be able to relate to anyone or any story out there in regards to suicidal thoughts such as mine.

Thing is.. nothing reallygoes wrong in my life. I'm in my twenties, no serious trauma, had friends and a steady relationship, I own a pleasant home. I don't even feel anything bad (not particulary good either; kind of numb).

But for years now, I'm growing some sense of guilt. It started off small, without any clear reason. Now it's getting out of hands. I've grown increasingly fond of nature, but in an unhealthy way. I'm vegan and eat less and less, simply because I don't want to "take". I feel guilty for every second my pc is running. I give shelter to wounded birds, stray cats and dogs, but my friends start to wonder why I'm isolating myself to the point where most of my days are without any human contact. Teachers are also wondering why I no longer show up or turn in papers. I've been neglecting the love of my life and when I lost her because of that, I didn't even try to stop her. It sucked, but I think I actually wanted her to be with a person who is pleasant and well, not like this. I also don't tell anyone about what I have, because that would just make them worried or think of me as some drama king.

I'm completely overwhelmed by the damage people are causing; how chaotic and destructive we as a species are amongst each other and to the world around us. It feels impossible to work or study, because then I feel guilty for sustaining the mankind's systematic murder of our world.

I frequently spend hours just lying on the floor. I can't sleep until I am too fatigued. When I lie in bed, I fantasize about the only sensible thing I can do: to give myself back to nature, so that my organic material can be food for something that -should- live, unlike me. I feel like a cancer cell in a massive tumor that is our species. I want to walk out, get lost in a forest, hide myself in dirt and leaves and then off myself. The idea seems so extremely calm and sensible.. We all die so I ask myself "why postpone? because the only result is that I just take up space for longer".

The reason I haven't done anything, is because I know I sound like a nutcase. It feels so "right" to take my own life and so wrong for me to exist, but if it truly is such a logical decision, great minds of our time would feel the same way. It doesn't change the fact that this is going downhill and I don't know for how much longer I can shake off or reason with these thoughts and feelings. They're getting so strong and convincing and they force-feed me with so much self-hatred. Right now, it feels as if I say "sorry" for every time I breath.

I've read some psychology, but can't find any explanation for what I have: a person with nothing wrong in his life, not even suffering depression, suddenly drowns in existential guilt and starts to sabotage his life to the point he wants to end it.

It really embarrasses me how my post looks so self-pitying and I don't want to burden/rely on others with something I need to work out for myself; especially people I don't know and never did anything for. I only read stories about actual, real problems here. This feels like complaining about a broken nail amongst people with a broken neck, but I think I really kind of needed to do this.

 

[youRprecious!]

Hi Water - A warm welcome to SF, pleased to meet you and thank you for reaching out for some input/inspiration I understand totally where you are coming from and have empathy towards all you have written, because I often have similar thoughts running through my head - I think it's part of being human that we take in our observations of the planet and things to do with existing, and we try to draw ='s signs to make some logical sense of why we are all here and what the future holds and if there is any meaning to it all.

I promise you that there is, and that suicide is not the answer for "putting everything right". You have a very giving nature and an enquiring mind. I do hope that you will consider that there are insights to do with all your questions that you haven't yet met - and that the fact that these questions are troubling you is actually an opportunity to embrace the search for higher and deeper meaning that will satisfy. Always willing to PM if you'd like that to share my journey and offer some suggestions/insights that may help you. Broken necks as well as broken nails are able to be fixed (I had a broken neck!)

 

[Marty482]

Hi Water,

Many of the feelings you have are normal and many of us have had them. So please don't feel that you are different. You aren't. You are probably a very altruistic person that has allowed that part of your nature to get to an extreme. One thing that might help is to realize that YOU are not responsible for the fate of the planet alone. Yes, we must all do our part and sacrifice for the greater good,but we also have a right to have fun and be happy too. You can serve yourself and others also. You are as deserving as anyone else. It isn't necessary to negate yourself. No matter what you think of religion, even Jesus allowed his feet to be anointed with oil, when an apostle objected that the oil should be sold and given to the poor. He said,"The poor will always be with you ,but I will not.". I am not into biblical literalism,but I think the point is that we can do nice things for ourselves sometimes and not have to feel guilty. As usual it's about balance.

You sound like you might have a little OCD and maybe an unconscious sense of guilt. You may not be conscious of the real roots of your guilt. They most likely lay in the past. To find those roots it is probably necessary to think back to when noticeable problems began. Was there a trauma you underwent years back? A death in the family? An abandonment? Something you might have done that you are not proud of that may have effected you more than you know? I have learned that there is a difference between being compassionate and giving and masochistic. The first two traits are healthy expressions of spiritual growth, masochism can often mask itself in these. So I would say you need to balance your giving with a little healthy self attention! I have realized that a lot of my "giving" was really a masked attempt to hurt myself. It went so deep that I had know idea I was hurting myself because I felt good about giving. But the giving must be balanced and I think we need healthy self regard and balanced giving. If we feel a compulsive need to give and a compulsive need to sacrifice it can be masochistically motivated . Masochism is sometimes the result of suppressed guilt. Usually it is an arrangement that the psyche makes to avoid true punishment (i.e. anxiety or some dreaded cosmic justice). So if we punish ourselves we manage the anxiety and also get a little hidden jolt of pleasure in the pain. The pleasure we get is often hidden from ourselves if the guilt or conscience is severe enough and just shows up as repeated self defeating behavior. Please forgive me for making this diagnosis as I may be very wrong in your case I am just passing along my perspective on things. Any extreme CAN be unhealthy. Only you know if your behavior is healthy or self defeating. There have been some amazing people who have sacrificed for the good of us all and only a fool would say that was neurotic. So two things can look the same and one is healthy and the other is not. Usually there is some true healthy motive that gets distorted in the case of most unhealthy behavior, so I guess the trick is retain the healthy in the unhealthy and this is usually achieved through balance. I'm still struggling with all this greatly and hope I have been of service!

Thanks,

Marty