Suicidal days over... please pray for me!

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by titanic, Mar 6, 2009.

  1. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I have spent my entire life (since 14) with suicidal thoughts, gestures, and actions during times of extreme despair or a even just a bad day, or during times of feeling hopeless and life feeling pointless, sometimes for a few moments or even lasting hours, days or months.

    However, just a couple of days ago I was stricken with panic and was convinced I had breast cancer because I had pain (which was due to falling down the stairs). I prayed to God, please don't let me have cancer and die, and I was confused... how can someone who wants to die so frequently suddenly beg the Lord for her life? I thought of my children and how terrible it would be for them to see there mummy dieing. Yet I didn't care a darn before?!

    Oh my god... it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks...

    I was convinced I was dieing of cancer and my paranoia kicked in and hit me over the head like a hammer!

    "Hey, (I say to myself) why this split personality all the time? I don't value my life like I ought" In times of despair I want to die, in times of mania I hug trees and think the world is so wonderful and I value every minute and respect every leaf of every flower or tree growing. So many swings and roundabouts!!

    "Please God, don't do this to me, I know that I have wished my death but please let me live this time and I will never wish I was dead ever again."

    Thank you Lord God for my life.

    We often don't value life until it is too late. God bless you all on this forum, and know that you are Loved. xxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2009
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm new but can totally relate. I've had the exact same feelings, time frames and situation you have gone through. I had a cyst on my arm and after being suicidal off and on for years, I couldnt believe how much I wanted to live and how frightened I was when the doctor told me it might be malignant. The waiting (about 3 weeks for the test to come back) was unbearable, all the time hoping I wouldn't die. Then it came back negative and I was so relieved. Of course I've come back to a site like this so I've still got issues, but like I said I can totally relate and am so happy for you and your will to live :flowers::hug:
  3. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    Right back at you :) Congratulations on your life-saving revelation!
  4. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Thank you sooo much both of you :smile:

    shades - sounds like you had a really difficult time waiting for your results. I'm pleased for you that it was negative. xx