Suicidal every holiday season

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Luca, Jan 1, 2016.

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  1. Luca

    Luca Member

    I hate the holidays. Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, followed shortly by my birthday, which has always been my least favorite day of the year. They seem to serve as only a reminder of how many people I am estranged from or how alone I feel in a room full of people. I'm always suicidal, but the holidays predictably bring out a spike in thoughts. Every year, there are at least one or two news reports of suicides in my area around this time. Two women this year, one around Thanksgiving and one around Christmas. Every time I read them, all I feel is understanding. Sadness for them and myself and people like us, but mostly just having no questions as to why they did it. Article comments are difficult because they are full of accusations of selfishness. People who think suicide is a selfish act are lucky to never have been so depressed to know different. I'm glad the holidays are passing, I just need to get through this upcoming birthday.
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  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Luca, I am sorry you have such a difficult time over the holidays. But I understand. I feel the same. And my birthday also shortly follows them. I stopped celebrating that many years ago. I see other people out laughing, smiling and totally enjoying the holidays. And I don't understand at all how they can do it. I have come to like being alone on Thanksgiving. Christmas is hard because I see a family I don't know well at all. And that is my fault. I am the one who hides from them because I just don't know how to be around people anymore. Seems like I feel most safe when I am alone. I hope we both find a way to dig ourselves out of this hole.
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  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Luca and Not so Silly Old Bear, I empathize, with both of you! I do not celebrate the holidays either, I don't remember having a birthday either! I think I was there at birth but since then..........?? shrugs! I had, as a child and as a young adult, celebrated them all, to me they made me wonder like you said Luca, there are a disproportionate number of suicides and deaths during those Holidays. I feel that is because they do not to a lot of people, live up to the hype the advertisements and the very things they are supposed to bring people together for, They have been put into a higher plateau then anything or anyone could live up to. Our expectations are higher then they could ever obtain We have a tendency to expect one thing and it seems we get something else, or do we?? My father as a child lived in foster homes, to my knowledge he never had a Christmas like I an my siblings were given as Children, My mother talks about getting an Orange in her stocking, she and my Father were both Children or the depression, they were happy with what they got. I have learned to be happy or a reasonable fact-simile, I get what I expect now!
    nothing more nothing less.,
    I have been wished a Merry Christmas as well as a Happy New Year! by more then a few people, I tried to return those wishes, I can and do appreciate those wishes because to me they are heart Felt, especially here in this Forum, because we need every good wish we can get here, I do not have to like or enjoy those Holidays but I like the thoughts behind them for a majority of those people! I offer them The same In Return as I offer to you! I wish You both the Best of Heath and Best of Good wishes for this new Year!
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  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I enjoyed Christmas when I was young. When my parents were still alive. But now my brother and I are the 'old' generation. It really makes a difference. I put a stop to gifts for adults a few years ago. I cannot afford it. Christmas is too much about money and not enough about Christ.

    As to birthdays, I have struggled with them since high school. I do not consider my life something to celebrate.

    But I still wish others Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Birthday. And accept their wishes graciously. There is nothing wrong with wishing people the best. Or having them wish you the best. But I stopped believing that wishes come true a long time ago.
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    The holidays are so difficult and sometimes it feels even worse because almost everyone else seems to be happy. I really hope that you can get through your birthday and then make the most of the rest of the year - I know its hard but hopefully once this period of trauma for you has passed things will pick up. Keep talking to us here and stay safe *hug(
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Luca, the holidays can be so hard for so many people. I'm really sorry to hear about the suicides in your area. That is quite saddening. But yeah when we hear someone commits suicide, we're like yeah I know what that feels like and can make us feel even worse. Try and practise positivity, relaxation and just being yourself. Please seek professional help, your chances of beating this illness with extra help and supports are much higher if we see a professional. If you need to talk you can always PM me. But for now try and stay positive, think of things you can do to make yourself happier or even others happier. Treat yourself, you deserve it and remember you are never alone here.
  7. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    "People who think suicide is a selfish act are lucky to never have been so depressed to know different."

    Exactly. Thank you for saying that. It's reassuring to know someone gets it.
  8. Luca

    Luca Member

    Yeah, I feel the same, that it has a lot to do with the hype around it. As a kid, I really didn't like to be paid attention to, so I didn't like my birthday then. I still don't really like to be paid attention to, but I think people realized that and started ignoring it because they figured that was better for me. In a weird way, I appreciate that, but it still doesn't feel good. People do pay attention, the important people do, and I'm trying to remind myself of that. I'm trying to remind myself that it is all hype and it doesn't need to live up to much. I mostly just wish this time didn't remind me of all the people that aren't here, people that used to be close and aren't anymore. People who used to be important to me and aren't anymore or vice versa. There is always the birthday depression that is just about growing another year older and feeling like everything is supposed to be different and better and it isn't any different. Or that I'm growing another year away from fixing what is wrong with me. It's another year I've been depressed, 15 now. Just a reminder that this is just who I am and it isn't going away. Am I the only one that is sure it won't go away? 15 years of more meds and combinations of meds than I can count and plenty of therapy and now I'm just convinced this is who I am and who I will always be. My therapist says I can get better, but what evidence do I have?
  9. dontquitever

    dontquitever Member

    I also hate the holidays. I am so glad they are over!
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