Suicidal Fears: Conquering Them...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HelgasAngel, Apr 7, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    For the past few months though it's been a constant struggle having to wrestle with the psychological demons that have already thwarted two previous attempts, attempts I call "dims," out of the idea that light is happiness and darkness is sadness, and dim is in between, the struggle between the two.

    One of these psychological demons was the Fear of Pain. Seriously, I used to be so afraid of...how it would feel when I attempted suicide. During my first attempt when I was 17 years old I didn't have this fear. I just did it and that was it. But over the years the fear of a pain-filled death haunted me. Once I was able to think of the pain as a temporary problem to a permanent solution to my permanent problems I was gradually able to overcome that fear.

    TODAY I finally overcame my fear of my mother being heckled by our very religious family. However, after reading a very new article about a 27 year old boy who killed himself and seeing how Christians alike prayed for him and didn't condemn him, I am hopeful that my death will not cause my mother any emotional harm and people won't condemn me for doing what I felt was best at the time. I wish that I didn't have to conquer this fear that way because I wish he'd found happiness, but it is what it is.

    The only fear left isn't really fear, it's more guilt if anything. I'm confident that my mother will be alright after I'm done here but I can't even look at her without feeling guilty for what I'm about to do. I'm not sure what I have to do to get over this regret, but I'm thinking that maybe if I....examine my main reason for taking my life, really truly examine it, it will be enough to overpower the guilt I feel. This whole process has been very prolonged. I haven't attempted suicide in five years because I do not want them to be cries for help. I do not cry for help. I do not want help. I keep my mouth shut and do what I have to do.

    Just gotta figure out how I'm going to tell Holly, a girl I've recently been talking to and who's done everything to try to help me, that this is actually going to happen. I need her to accept it. Well, I want her to. Meh, either way, she's done one great thing. I'm finally accepting Jesus into my life. Maybe my family won't forgive me for sinning, but Jesus will.<3 Now where's that Bible...:)
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.