Suicidal feelings from homicidal feelings

[fromthatshow]

My therapist told me that having suicidal feelings comes from having homicidal feelings directed at you at some part in your life.
Now looking at my childhood it would appear to be normal, but at a subtle level I can definitely feel this homicidal energy sent my way. It was as it's always been. I was not allowed to feel whatever I was feeling. This wasn't verbally expressed. It was all a very subtle guilt laid upon me for being a person and having feelings. For being alive! On a very subtle level, I was made to feel guilty for being alive.
I hate very much that it was subtle too. I'd rather my Dad have told me he hated me.

Anyway, what do you think about that statement? Do you think feeling suicidal comes from homicidal feelings directed at you in some point in your life (this does not have to be blatant), or do you think there are many more factors?

 

[Brighid Moon]

I don't know that may parents hated me (at least not until I was older), but I was never allowed to be what and who I was. I was always told I could be better, I was always told I was "lying" if I told the truth, and I was always disbelieved. If I had a thought that didn't mesh with their's I was in trouble. I couldn't have thoughts on my own, it was "Where did you hear that? Who told you that?" There was a myriad of things which told me that I wasn't acceptable as myself, which made me believe that my parents hated me (as well as other people) and so I took (take!) it out on myself. Lots and lots of guilt, as you said.

Are those "homocidal" feelings being projected at me? Probably from a lot of the bullies who tortured me. But from my parents? I have no idea. I think they just wanted to live their lives through me and didn't get what having a kid was about. My dad, being a narcissist, of course wanted everything his way and all about him (still does!) and focussed on him. Could that have given out homocidal energy? Possibly.

I think in some situations that's probably true, what your therapist said. I keep getting told (for years!) that when I give in to my self-destructive urges that I'm only allowing "them" (the abusers) to win. So if I kill myself am I giving in and letting the "murderers" win? Am I doing their job for them?

I think there are many different situations - but perhaps it does all boil down to that. Vampires (of varying kinds) trying to suck away everything that is us for their own survival, and kill us so that they can live.

 

[fromthatshow]

I think in some situations that's probably true, what your therapist said. I keep getting told (for years!) that when I give in to my self-destructive urges that I'm only allowing "them" (the abusers) to win. So if I kill myself am I giving in and letting the "murderers" win? Am I doing their job for them?

I think that's pretty close to it. Self destruction is like "doing their job for them" more or less I think. People don't even know they're doing it half the time. I remember talking about suicide in therapy and the words, "Ok Dad, you win," came out. Like, alright I'm ending it, the fight is over, you win. Even though he has never verbally expressed that he doesn't want me around. He has actually said he really does want me around. But it's so subtle. Those words obviously came from what happened with him.

 

[Brighid Moon]

I get that too, when I'm extremely upset, depressed or (close to) actively suicidal. "Fine! You win!" and thinking about my dad, mainly. Because there is absolutely, positively no way to "win" with that man. I have to give up all of me to deal with him, and I deal with him daily, right now. He's put me back to being eleven years old again, and that's not a good feeling. The "Fine! You win!" thing happens, also, when I just want to throw up my hands and dump everything I own and just disappear to get away from him (and the thoughts and the memories and everything else when I feel trapped). Only in my words it just comes out as, "Fuckit, I quit." :tongue: So I totally understand that feeling!

 

[The Scream]

My therapist told me that having suicidal feelings comes from having homicidal feelings directed at you at some part in your life.
Now looking at my childhood it would appear to be normal, but at a subtle level I can definitely feel this homicidal energy sent my way. It was as it's always been. I was not allowed to feel whatever I was feeling. This wasn't verbally expressed. It was all a very subtle guilt laid upon me for being a person and having feelings. For being alive! On a very subtle level, I was made to feel guilty for being alive.
I hate very much that it was subtle too. I'd rather my Dad have told me he hated me.

Anyway, what do you think about that statement? Do you think feeling suicidal comes from homicidal feelings directed at you in some point in your life (this does not have to be blatant), or do you think there are many more factors?

i think it has many factors, including this one, but i believe it also depends on the relationship between the two...
i mean, my parents used to (and still sometimes do) direct homocidal statements toward me and those used to hurt me and make me feel suicidal... but nowadays, it just makes me want to live, even when im feeling depressed or anything, hearing their homocidal shit, now gives me a reason to live my to the fullest :biggrin:

it's become my anti depressant :mellow:

 

[The_8th_Wonder]

I've never had a homicidal feeling being throw at me but I have had them toward others. The feeling that I get is that the only way to prevent myself from committing homicide is to commit suicide. I think that a lot of time some form of homicide is involved with suicide though so yes.