Suicidal feelings tugging at me.

My depression is strong and I feel suicidal feelings popping up. I am fighting old thoughts and feelings that are being triggered my current circumstance. I can't change the circumstance because I can't hurry up healing.

I broke my arm Feb 12, not even a month after my sister died of cancer. It was very hard knowing she was suffering so much pain. It is still hard to recall.

I have a Distal Radial Fracture, aka Colles Fracture. In people terms, I broke the end of the bone that is on the inside of the arm. The doctor at the VA hospital called it Humpy Dumpty because it splintered. He did an awesome job repairing it. Four hours of surgery, a piece of metal, and 7 screws.

I'm out of the cast and in a splint with orders not to lift anything. I'm to take off the splint 3 times a day and apply ice as needed for the swelling. I'm diabetic and my healing time is twice as long.

I'm also looking at rehab time which I'm trying to get a jump on by typing with both hands as long as I can. The break does not hurt, but all the stuff I'm slowly working on hurts. After the third paragraph of this post, I got out the ice pack and returned to one handed typing.

I know my job is to heal, but day after day drags on. I've practiced a lot of distraction, I've thanked the ones who help me over and over (guilt from feeling like a burden).

I see the things around me that I cannot do that I'm used to doing. I'm by myself a lot during the day since my daughter left home in March. My husband has a lot on his plate so I don't ask him to do too much at once. Also, he will be having surgery soon, which he is nervous about and I don't want him to miss this opportunity to have because it will help him a lot.

Fortunately, my daughter only moved around the corner and I can tell her we will feed her if she can cook it and wash the dishes.

Anyway, back to me. I take my meds, eat nutritiously, sleep fairly well, and I am succeeding at getting out of the house a couple of times a week.

It's amazing how depression and suicidal thoughts can invade a life even with years of therapy having been done, and following a program of meds and nutrition. I have consciously broken a lot of old patterns that destroyed my best efforts. Even so, I've been trashed by life events.

I have no strength of my own anymore. People think I'm being strong but I'm just hanging out after having prayed to God asking him to teach me what I can do for myself and to please do the rest.

Actually, right now the rest is fine, it's what is occurring between my ears that's doing me in.

 

:hug:

sorry, i don't know what to say and i just hope you take care and stay safe.. I hear you and i am sorry to hear what has happened to you.. :hug:

 

there's actually a lot of things that you can try when meds and therapy are not enough.

some of these things take effort though, so it's not always easy

you might want to try getting a 1/2 hour of gentle aerobic exercise a day. Maybe taking a brisk walk, exerting yourself just enough to break a light sweat

you could try meditation

if you've seen my other posts, you probably already know that I plug acupuncture and chinese medicine all the time

you can also try to change your meds, or ask about rTMS or ect

It's a frustrating experience to feel stuck

I don't know if anything I've said here will help you, but I hope that you are able to get better somehow

best wishes and hugs to you!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

My struggle is very difficult today. I'm in a thought repetition of stay, move, or die. The costs are high in any of them. I'm stuck.

I've been praying. I know what the answer is and it's realistic and reasonable, but it's not easy.

I'm just so paralyzed behind it all.

 

Hi you depression sucks it does those thoughts always seem stay back of our mind. Hun you know your family would hurt so much if you left I do hope you can change your meds up a bit talk to your doctor. I try to get outside when i feel me spiralling downwards Here anytime you just want to talk okay you can pm me. don't harm you if you have to call crisis line and talk it helps hugs

 

I'm not able to effect changes here under my power because of physical limitation, so in order to stay I would have to pressure the person I live with to clean this place up (he is a hoarder) and find other homes for most of the animals. I'm not comfortable with applying pressure to someone. I love him dearly but he is a master of avoidance behavior,

The other option is to move. I have less stuff and I would only keep one pet. I would be too much alone. I would also need to find a payee for my disability check.

The answer is to make a choice and follow it. I want to stay but everywhere is stuff in my way, animal business to clean up, and it takes me three times as long to do little things. I don't mind doing what I can but this situation is overwhelming.

It's like 1 step forward and 10 steps back.

 

communication is really important in a relationship.

I understand that you are having a hard time confronting him though

I wonder if you could write a letter to him, explaining that the situation is at a point where it is making you contemplate suicide, that you want to stay and that you love him, but that things have to change for you to get better.

you have a right to express what you think and feel. if he loves you as much as you love him, I think that this is something that he would want to know about and respond to. maybe getting therapy for his hoarding problems might help