So those nasty feelings have took hold of me again. I just wish I wasn't so alone. I can't get in contact with my mother, my sister is angry with me. My uncle is asleep and I have no bonds with the rest of them. Plus my mother has a new boyfriend and even before then she didn't really like dealing with my problems, she tended to just say 'deal with them' Most of my friends hate me, they ignore me. Some even have said I disgust them. I've driven them all away for various reasons. I'm too emotional, too selfish, etc. I'm badly scarred from self inflicted wounds. I'm vile; I hate myself. I wish I could kill myself, the guilt is still the only thing keeping me here. When I really think about killing myself I consider killing some of my family, but even I don't feel it's right to kill them. So I'm stuck, I can't bare the thought of them suffering from my suicide. But at the same time, if I ever saw a car about to run me over, I most likely wouldn't get out of the way. I'm so fucking alone, my birthday in a few days and I'm dreading it. Haven't seen my sister for months and now I'll see her. My mother said she'd be disgusted/ashamed about my scars and it would upset her. I'm such an awful person, I put my own urges and addictions before anyone, nobody ever comes first. I really just want to die and join the person close to me that died, but even then my beliefs say there is nothing after death. I really just want to cry, nobody is listening to me and I keep getting advised against seeing a doctor. I'm not mentally ill, nobody will talk to me. A doctor wouldn't do anything for me, they won't refer me to counseling and the only other people that I am involved with said there was nothing they could do for me. Nobody in authority is bothering. I'm all on my own. Like always I suppose. I really just want to die right now, just to stop feeling this pain.