Suicidal feelings.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Mar 30, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    So those nasty feelings have took hold of me again. I just wish I wasn't so alone.

    I can't get in contact with my mother, my sister is angry with me. My uncle is asleep and I have no bonds with the rest of them. Plus my mother has a new boyfriend and even before then she didn't really like dealing with my problems, she tended to just say 'deal with them'

    Most of my friends hate me, they ignore me. Some even have said I disgust them. I've driven them all away for various reasons. I'm too emotional, too selfish, etc.
    I'm badly scarred from self inflicted wounds. I'm vile; I hate myself.
    I wish I could kill myself, the guilt is still the only thing keeping me here.
    When I really think about killing myself I consider killing some of my family, but even I don't feel it's right to kill them.
    So I'm stuck, I can't bare the thought of them suffering from my suicide.
    But at the same time, if I ever saw a car about to run me over, I most likely wouldn't get out of the way.

    I'm so fucking alone, my birthday in a few days and I'm dreading it. Haven't seen my sister for months and now I'll see her. My mother said she'd be disgusted/ashamed about my scars and it would upset her.
    I'm such an awful person, I put my own urges and addictions before anyone, nobody ever comes first.
    I really just want to die and join the person close to me that died, but even then my beliefs say there is nothing after death.
    I really just want to cry, nobody is listening to me and I keep getting advised against seeing a doctor. I'm not mentally ill, nobody will talk to me.
    A doctor wouldn't do anything for me, they won't refer me to counseling and the only other people that I am involved with said there was nothing they could do for me.
    Nobody in authority is bothering. I'm all on my own.
    Like always I suppose.
    I really just want to die right now, just to stop feeling this pain.
  2. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    this is an awful state to go through and if you can, try to check yourself into the hospital. if you cant do that, try calling a lifeline or crisis line. it seems like there arent a lot of people in your life that you can trust, which can be very hard. im so sorry. :hug:
    if you want to cry, let yourself cry. it is the healthiest thing you can do. just dont thrive on sadness, try to find something that makes you happy, even if its hard.
    your family will suffer from your suicide, and they will miss you dearly, they just may not show it right now. again, sorry you are feeling this way. i hope things start looking up for you!
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter


    You're not alone, and someone is listening.
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    That is really to be in and truely understand where you coming. I think the best thing you can do right now is go straight to nearest a+e and seek assistance it may mean you have speak to on duty shrink/pysch and pysch nurses but remember the hospital will be keeping you safe.
  5. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Ellie. It's hard enough to battle when we feel so alone but to not have the support we crave irl makes it so much harder. You're not alone, don't ever believe you are. We're listening so keep talking to us while you continue to seek the help that is not obvious right now.

    If your doctor won't refer you, can you go to another doctor? Are there support agencies of any kind nearby? I would expect any medical professional to see that hurting ourselves (current or past) is a sign of tremendous pain that needs to be healed. We need, sometimes, for someone to walk alongside us, understand we're hurting and, if nothing else, not judge us but be there for us. ♥ ♥ ♥

    Sorry cyberspace is the best I can give but keep talking, let it all out even if its in a private journal and look for something that lifts you each day (morning coffee, birds chirping, a glimpse of blue sky.) There are a lot of us here that care and will listen.
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