feelings.. i don't know, over time I think my suicidal 'feelings' have grown to more like a rational decision. I don't want to live, because life sucks for me. There are no reasons to live. Only reasons to die. Yet something keeps me from killing myself... the fear of failing and being forced to live with the consequences. Or maybe that's just an excuse to cover up my cowardliness. I think I'm repulsive because most people seem to avoid me and behave as if I'm strange and weird and they laugh at me and some even bully me even though I'm 20 years old. I don't have friends, let alone a girl that I can spend time with and do fun stuff with. I'm too anxious to approach people and engage in conversation, they seem to try to avoid me too. There's alot more and my history is a bad one and I wouldn't know why anyone would want to hear about it, nor do I feel like engaging even more in self-pity. Why am I even typing this? I'm sitting here alone in my own house with a large knife cruising the internet on how to most efficiently kill myself. I probably won't use the knife since I'm a coward but still... I'm probably looking for some chemicals or something that I can use to kill myself quickly. I wonder what kind of responses I'm gonna get here.