suicidal for years

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PBandJ, Nov 19, 2009.

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  1. PBandJ

    PBandJ Member

    But I really live for my family... my friends, and the people in my life that I love.
    My mom, the person I love the most gets angry at me when I express sadness, so I have no way of seeking help or getting her to understand...

    I wish I felt like I was living for myself, even a little. I am disgusted by myself.

    and I want to die NOW

    :sadpanda: <--- but that is freakin cute

    Edit: please, the only reason I joined this forum is because if I took my sadness anywhere else I would be looked down on. If anyone is here can you just say hi? I'm really sorry, it would mean a lot
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2009
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    hi there. i'm sorry you're feeling like this. living for someone else is not always a bad thing. sometimes it's the very thing that saves us, and in those times we're hanging in there is when we work on respecting and living for ourselves. it takes practice believe me i know. i know you can do it though. please take care

    feel free to pm me anytime
  3. PBandJ

    PBandJ Member

    I see what you mean, rhino <3

    this will sound really stupid but I feel like I'm too young to be living for somebody else... for example parents live for their children because they (hopefully) chose to have them, but I never chose this feeling
    I feel paralyzed.. and in limbo

    and I cause my mom a lot of stress as it is

    thank you <3 sorry I'm not usually this scattered sounding
  4. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    no worries about how you're sharing the important thing is that you are sharing. i had lived with that feeling for 34 yrs. unfortunately is sounds like you have learned some co dependance and that is a hurdle that can be jumped but it just takes time and most importantly patience
  5. PBandJ

    PBandJ Member

    I'm sorry but what do you mean by co-dependence? Like me depending on my mom?

    I dropped out of high school and college (which i got into by a fluke, but it was my first choice) and I loved my room mate at the time and now I can't face her

    I feel so trapped and I have no energy to do anything, go anywhere... i just want to be left alone to waste away. Not exactly die :(
  6. PBandJ

    PBandJ Member

    and I'm sorry you're suicidal too =(
  7. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Hi. Don't sweat it if you feel sad, humans are meant to feel sad, it can help their thinking, as long as it isn't 100% negative. You've found the right place to talk about what's going on, we don't mind if you speak what you feel, in fact we encourage it. It will help the healing process, and you have to get these feelings out, if your mum doesn't like you to feel sad, which is a bad trait. It could just be because she cares, but she has to allow you to feel sad for you to be well-adjusted. No matter what anybody says, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad sometimes. Keep on posting in the forums, and we (the members) will probably be able to help you with any problems you may have.
  8. PBandJ

    PBandJ Member

    Thanks so much, Tobes.

    The way my mom reacts to sadness is "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it!" or she'll tease you or tell you to stop being a downer (she reacts this way to my brother too)

    I guess there are things in my life that have lead me to be sad... given me the "right" to be sad... not that I believe there's such a thing.
    I was recently assaulted by a man late at night on top of the other stuff going on... the reason I was out so late was because I wasn't brave enough to go home. All that happened was he forced me to kiss him. It wasn't scary it was just kind of a numbing experience, I still feel weird about it
  9. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    co means 1) with: together: joint: jointly (co exist) 2) in or to the same degree (co extensive) 3)fellow: partner

    dependence means 1) one that is dependent 2) a person who relies on another for support 3) the quality or state of being influenced by or subject to another

    i thought i would spell it out for ya. i think definitions help more than interpretations sort of

    anyways you are one tough individual to have hung on this long. i know it's hard but you're gonna need to force yourself out of bed or wherever, set some goals and get em done. you will feel so much better when you do. it can also help you gain some independence. you know?

    please take care
  10. PBandJ

    PBandJ Member

    You're so right, it's just that whenever my mom tells me to go out and do something I get so angry that I can't force myse;f to do it =( which is really stupid I know

    and thanks for the definition.. :hug:
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