I have Bipolar 1 and have been in a depressive state for a while now. I've done it all; every med under the sun, even ECT. Recently, I have had some traumatic events. My best friend committed suicide. Very recently I was suspended from work for nodding off at my desk and put on a 90 day probationary period where I can be fired for any mistake or miss step. My boss was horrible during that meeting and told me that not only was she very tempted to fire me for nodding off but also because I wasn't fitting in well to the unit. Now I feel like I am absolutely walking on eggshells and petrified of making a mistake. I have been suicidal ever since that suspension. Last night I made a significant error at work. Technically, I didn't break policy, so I should be covered, but with a boss who is gunning for my job, I am petrified that this will be it. But she is on vacation until Monday so I won't hear anything until Monday at the soonest. In the meantime, I've decided that if I get fired, I WILL commit suicide. I have a portable kit packed up with my method and I keep it at home when I am there and I take it to work hidden in my bag, in case she calls me into her office to fire me. I would rather die at work so my kids and husband won't have to find the body and see the police. Plus, my body will be discovered sooner at work so my husband won't have to send out a search for me. I'm trying my best to function until I hear official word from my boss but it seems like all I can do is focus on my mistake and executing my suicide. I just want to keep my job so I can support my family. But without it, there is no point to living anymore.