Suicidal, have means and intent

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LexiRN, Aug 7, 2015.

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  1. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    I have Bipolar 1 and have been in a depressive state for a while now. I've done it all; every med under the sun, even ECT. Recently, I have had some traumatic events. My best friend committed suicide.

    Very recently I was suspended from work for nodding off at my desk and put on a 90 day probationary period where I can be fired for any mistake or miss step. My boss was horrible during that meeting and told me that not only was she very tempted to fire me for nodding off but also because I wasn't fitting in well to the unit. Now I feel like I am absolutely walking on eggshells and petrified of making a mistake. I have been suicidal ever since that suspension.

    Last night I made a significant error at work. Technically, I didn't break policy, so I should be covered, but with a boss who is gunning for my job, I am petrified that this will be it. But she is on vacation until Monday so I won't hear anything until Monday at the soonest. In the meantime, I've decided that if I get fired, I WILL commit suicide.

    I have a portable kit packed up with my method and I keep it at home when I am there and I take it to work hidden in my bag, in case she calls me into her office to fire me. I would rather die at work so my kids and husband won't have to find the body and see the police. Plus, my body will be discovered sooner at work so my husband won't have to send out a search for me.

    I'm trying my best to function until I hear official word from my boss but it seems like all I can do is focus on my mistake and executing my suicide. I just want to keep my job so I can support my family. But without it, there is no point to living anymore.
  2. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    Don't do it, I don't know what else to say.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Better yet talk to your husband ok don't leave your children with that pain i mean it. You will be passing on to them a suicidal trait one that you have taught them Reach out for help that is there call a crisis line you don't let the boss win ok you get your union to support you
  4. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    Yes much better idea!
  5. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    Unfortunately, we are not unionized. God, I wish we were. But there is a certain peace in having a plan all in place, and knowing exactly how it will happen.
  6. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Sounds like you have everything figured out, which leaves me to ask just the one question: Through all of this, is putting the pain of killing yourself onto your husband and children really something you want to do, just because you are having a tough go of things at the moment? You might not have to feel anything after the fact but then your family will have to bear the guilt because you did not even try talking things out with any of them, in particular your husband.
    I would suggest that before you do anything,you take the emotions of those closest to you into consideration,not just your own, at leaving them to wonder why you would do such a thing.
    I might come across as sounding callous, but I have long since given up playing to sympathy when no one who hears bothers to listen.
  7. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    It's really not uncommon to doze off, especially on a night shift, and especially when you're not active. Your boss is definitely overreacting and needs to chill the fuck out. She could be under considerable stress, and she could have certain personal problems that's making her this hateful, but that doesn't make her personality excusable. I'm sorry about your best friend, and I'm sorry that your depression has progressed this far. I'm also suicidal, and I have the means, but whether I go through with it or not is the most important decision I will ever make. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. Rather, I'm terrified of making the least desirable decision, or the most wrong decision because they both seem like terrible choices. However, I can't guarantee for myself that choosing life will be a permanently terrible decision. In your case, I feel like you committing suicide, if your boss fires you, is too hasty of a decision. Either way, I'm against you committing suicide because I care about you. Yes, I don't know you, but I'm decent enough to care about whether someone dies or not. I know that the pain and misery is virtually unbearable, but what's another few days wait, or a week, or a month, or a year? How do you know you'll be as intent on dying as you are now, or in your worse case scenario of being fired, by then? I've heard and seen this saying countless times, and it does get annoying, but it totally makes sense. Please keep talking, and let the kind people on this forum help you help yourself.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lexi, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. That is a hard loss. :hug:

    From what you said, your boss doesn't seem very understanding. Does she know you have bipolar? Are there any rules/laws where you live that make employers accommodate employees with a disability? (They do where I live. So if you needed a slightly different schedule, but could do the job to meet their overall needs, they'd have to accommodate you.) If it is just the one incident - nodding off at your desk - how did you explain it; did you get a chance to explain your side?

    In the short term, this weekend, you won't hear anything and all the worrying you do won't change anything. If you can, maybe put it on the back burner. Why tangle yourself up in a knot when it's not going to change anything? All that knotty energy could be used spending time with hubby and kids.

    In the long term, there is more to you than just the job. (Husband, kids, home, hobbies, community...) In the 1990s, my boss told our whole department that we'd all end up having at least three jobs in our lifetime. He was right (I've had at least six so far. Some more successful than others.) Jobs can come and go. We get only one life. And life is a lot more than the job we do. If this job doesn't work out for you, it is one of several you're statistically likely to have over a lifetime.

    Maybe redirect your thoughts a bit...I'd love to hear what you enjoy doing? What are your interests and hobbies? What fun thing do you dream of doing some day (e.g., skydiving, taking photographs, going on a safari...)?
  9. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    Everybody I know has lost a job at some point in life, most more than once. Many of them felt the same as you (me included), but it passes.
  10. 731eta

    731eta New Member

    Do you have any emotional attachment to your family?
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Being fired could be the best thing to happen to you as it is apparent it is causing you alot stress. At least you have your family to come home to after this if it ever happens. Errors are made everyday, we are human beings and we are allowed to make mistakes. Your boss sounds like a person I would not want to work for at all!
  12. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    Ain't that the truth of it!
  13. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    What's the worst thing that could happen if you do get fired? Surely there can be other means to support your family? I am also a 100% sure that your family wants you alive and jobless rather than dead.
  14. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    This seems like one of those hysterical suicides, where you're not thinking things through. Let go of the job - quit. It's not worth the hell you are putting yourself through.
  15. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    I don't think your reply was callous, for what
    that's worth. And my head completely agrees with what everyone has said. On some basic level, I know you are all right. I told my husband I was suicidal, and he said that if I do get fired, that we will scratch, claw, and fight our way back, just like we always do. It's just my trend is that when I hit rock bottom, I lose all common sense and logic. My brain realizes how painful it would be for my family; I just endured the suicide of Erin and it exploded my world...and we weren't even family. But for some reason, my heart is whispering in my ear that my husband will finally be able to get a sweet, healthy wife that he deserves and my children will no longer have to be scared and scarred by a mother who is constantly being sectioned into the psych ward and is always morose and shoved in a corner not participating in their lives or life in general.

    My inlaws have already been telling my husband for a long time now to divorce me and take the children. So far he hasnt, thank God. Maybe things will change by Monday, which is when I assume I will hear something. Perhaps my head will take over if it does come to me being fired. I hope so. But I'm still preparing and packing my kit. It would be a very very quick death. I pray it won't come to that though.
  16. You are going to leave many people hurt for life. For every problem there is a solution, when you are a devoted parent!
  17. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    Disbelief, this is a very genuine post. I don't understand how anyone could read it otherwise. And I have spoken to my husband about this. While I told him I was gravely suicidal, I did not mention my method. He just took it in stride and said we would get thru anything. I'm suprised he wasnt more concerned because my last attempts landed me in ICU.
    On a positive note, my boss emailed and said that my error was not against policy and therefore would not result in my termination. She did however want to meet with me to discuss the terms of my probation again. In an effort to avoid a face on meeting, I wrote her an email response detailing back to her my understanding of the terms of my probation. I feel nauseated at the thought of having that discussion again.

    So now I am actively looking for other jobs, which will be very hard since I won't be able to use this one as a reference. I still feel very unstable, but I have tucked my kit far away for the moment. I guess I live to breathe another day.
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lexi, looking for other work is a positive and constructive step! I'm so pleased to hear it, and wish you all the best in your efforts.

    I'm quite sure your sense of "intent" in this thread is real. Those feelings can be very strong and for some people, they seem to offer and end to the pain, and some think that's better than dealing with the pain.

    A completed suicide is harder than people think. Attempts usually don't work, and the lingering effects of what one has done to oneself can be lifelong problems thereafter - physically and emotionally. Please...Please DO NOT ACT on your feelings.

    Life is never "steady", and this situation is one of the big "up and down" moments for you. I have seen your posts around this forum and you have faced other tough things...yes, here is yet another blip in your journey...but you have shown that you can handle tough things.

    I'm hoping that looking for a new job now means you can leave a toxic work environment and begin working in a much more pleasant and supportive workplace!

    Please keep us posted. If you feel you are going to act on your feelings, please call 911/999/the paramedics and get emergency assistance right away. You obviously have much to offer the world, and you have loved ones who care about you and that you care about...ditto with friends here.

    Be strong and safe! :hug:
  19. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I have relatives that are nurses and I understand the stress and BS and red tape different places do with the nurses. Each different place has their pros and cons its just asking around and where your nurse friends love to come to work thats the place you want to try to go for.
  20. Joshmorey1

    Joshmorey1 Member

    Please don't do it. I lost my wife Saturday and this pain is unbearable. I miss her so much... I cry until it hurts my eyes. I'm trying to sleep now but I can't. Think of your family.
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