I remember when my ex left me, part of the reason was because she was not happy where she was. She was homesick. She missed her old home and she wanted to go back to what was familar to her. Reasonably, i dont think anyone should ever live, stay, or force themselves to be somewhere they dont want to be. And noone can or would tell them otherwise. I could encourage her to maybe give it more time but ultimately, shes right not to want to stay somewhere that makes her miserable. I had a conversation with a counsellor the other day and explained this to him. I think its basically the same way I feel about life. I'm not happy here. I'm not happy in this world. I don't want and never asked for life. Ive consistently hated life and myself as far as I can remember regardless of my living conditions. I'm homesick. I want to go back to the place where I was before. My true home before and beyond this place. The place where i felt nothing. I missed that place. I miss not existing. Even im alive, being dead feels more familar. So why would I stay? Why would I force myself to live or be somewhere I dont want to be. Why live. Why be miserable. Well, i wish it was so easy as just moving back home. Although the shortest distance between two places is life and death. I'm just here. Like someone on a rollercoaster ride with the side of their face propped against their hand, bored, unpassionate, uninterested, and wanting the ride to be over as soon as possible. All while occasionally looking over to give everyone a smirk or grin or pretending to be happy or hey this is fun. Yeah everything fine, having a blast, thumbs up! Then bury my face in my hand again and roll my eyes. Heart drenched with envy, anger, and profound misery. I am truly in the land of no hope. When there is nothing left inside. Death within. I never had a chance. I was born DOA. Someone mentioned about consequences of suicide. You really can't ignore them. Just because I dont care about myself doesnt mean I dont care for anyone else. Especially those who tried to encourage me and convince me life is worth living. Which it is, dont get me wrong. I think life can be beautiful. Its just, my life isnt beautiful. My life isnt worth living. Everything about my life is pure ugliness. Everything about me is ugly. Everything I touch dies. Everything I do I fail. Every word I say is silent. Every place I go im lost. Everywhere I go im nowhere. Everything I love I hate. Everything i want i dont have. Everything I never wanted I have plentifully. Every dream Ive ever had is broken. Every nightmare has come true. All I am is dust. I can feel my skin dying. Im nothing. I cant sleep. I cant rest. I hate closing my eyes. The back of my eyelids just become a projection of every damn negative thought, trauma, or tragic memory ive ever had. It replays on a loop. Like a marathon. I cant turn it off. I cant turn the channel. The painful memories are always there. Too afraid to sleep. Dont want tomorrow to come. The fear of tomorrow. I envy everyone and I hate myself. Im kinda stuck here in this life. I cant leave. In a spiderweb. I dont fear death, i fear the consequences. Those of which I know of and those of which i dont know of. But there may become a time where trying to cope and tolerate living will woefully exceed those fears. Or... I'll simply go insane. Hardest thing for me to do is hold on to my sanity. Die stabbing myself in a fit of uncontrollable rage. What a way to go out. Screaming with blood in my throat. Who knew blood had such a sweet sound. I want everyone to hear it. To hear me die. To hear my song. I want the world to hear me scream. I think im close. My eyes are never dry. I can cry a gallon of tears. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Im hurting so much. I feel everything. And I feel nothing. I feel all the pain, and none of the joy. Why am I like this? Why do I feel like this. Why am i filled with misery. Why. Can there ever be peace here. Ive seen enough. Ive lived enough. I get it. Im nothing. I get it. Youve made an example of me. Can I go now. Everything will end and we will all be back in the same place. Being nothing again. You cant hurt me there. You cant say bad things. You cant use me. You cant take another drop of blood from me. You wont even know im there. I wanna go back there. To the place i was happy. The place im familar with. I dont want to live in your fucking world anymore. Your beautiful, perfect, happy world. I want to go home.