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Suicidal: I want to go home

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Jan 27, 2012.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I remember when my ex left me, part of the reason was because she was not happy where she was. She was homesick. She missed her old home and she wanted to go back to what was familar to her. Reasonably, i dont think anyone should ever live, stay, or force themselves to be somewhere they dont want to be. And noone can or would tell them otherwise. I could encourage her to maybe give it more time but ultimately, shes right not to want to stay somewhere that makes her miserable. I had a conversation with a counsellor the other day and explained this to him. I think its basically the same way I feel about life. I'm not happy here. I'm not happy in this world. I don't want and never asked for life. Ive consistently hated life and myself as far as I can remember regardless of my living conditions. I'm homesick. I want to go back to the place where I was before. My true home before and beyond this place. The place where i felt nothing. I missed that place. I miss not existing. Even im alive, being dead feels more familar. So why would I stay? Why would I force myself to live or be somewhere I dont want to be. Why live. Why be miserable. Well, i wish it was so easy as just moving back home. Although the shortest distance between two places is life and death.

    I'm just here. Like someone on a rollercoaster ride with the side of their face propped against their hand, bored, unpassionate, uninterested, and wanting the ride to be over as soon as possible. All while occasionally looking over to give everyone a smirk or grin or pretending to be happy or hey this is fun. Yeah everything fine, having a blast, thumbs up! Then bury my face in my hand again and roll my eyes. Heart drenched with envy, anger, and profound misery. I am truly in the land of no hope. When there is nothing left inside. Death within. I never had a chance. I was born DOA. Someone mentioned about consequences of suicide. You really can't ignore them. Just because I dont care about myself doesnt mean I dont care for anyone else. Especially those who tried to encourage me and convince me life is worth living. Which it is, dont get me wrong. I think life can be beautiful. Its just, my life isnt beautiful. My life isnt worth living. Everything about my life is pure ugliness. Everything about me is ugly. Everything I touch dies. Everything I do I fail. Every word I say is silent. Every place I go im lost. Everywhere I go im nowhere. Everything I love I hate. Everything i want i dont have. Everything I never wanted I have plentifully. Every dream Ive ever had is broken. Every nightmare has come true. All I am is dust. I can feel my skin dying. Im nothing. I cant sleep. I cant rest. I hate closing my eyes. The back of my eyelids just become a projection of every damn negative thought, trauma, or tragic memory ive ever had. It replays on a loop. Like a marathon. I cant turn it off. I cant turn the channel. The painful memories are always there. Too afraid to sleep. Dont want tomorrow to come. The fear of tomorrow. I envy everyone and I hate myself. Im kinda stuck here in this life. I cant leave. In a spiderweb. I dont fear death, i fear the consequences. Those of which I know of and those of which i dont know of. But there may become a time where trying to cope and tolerate living will woefully exceed those fears. Or... I'll simply go insane. Hardest thing for me to do is hold on to my sanity. Die stabbing myself in a fit of uncontrollable rage. What a way to go out. Screaming with blood in my throat. Who knew blood had such a sweet sound. I want everyone to hear it. To hear me die. To hear my song. I want the world to hear me scream.

    I think im close. My eyes are never dry. I can cry a gallon of tears. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Im hurting so much. I feel everything. And I feel nothing. I feel all the pain, and none of the joy. Why am I like this? Why do I feel like this. Why am i filled with misery. Why. Can there ever be peace here. Ive seen enough. Ive lived enough. I get it. Im nothing. I get it. Youve made an example of me. Can I go now. Everything will end and we will all be back in the same place. Being nothing again. You cant hurt me there. You cant say bad things. You cant use me. You cant take another drop of blood from me. You wont even know im there. I wanna go back there. To the place i was happy. The place im familar with. I dont want to live in your fucking world anymore. Your beautiful, perfect, happy world. I want to go home.
  2. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    It's possible to change your life, though. Have you tried therapy? From the way you've written this post, it seems as though you'd be a good writer. Do you write at all? If not, maybe you should. I think you have the talent for it and you can use it as an escape. I also think maybe you're exaggerating a bit about your life being completely horrible (ie. "Everything I touch dies.")...There has to be a few good things that you're still sticking around for, otherwise you wouldn't be here right now. You need to change your thinking patterns because some of the things you say seem untrue, and yet you believe them entirely, making yourself feel worse. Therapy can help you change your automatic thoughts. Automatic thoughts are the immediate thoughts that come to mind after a specific situation. They cause negative feelings, and negative feelings cause certain behaviors. I think you should look at this Wikipedia page that describes harmful thinking patterns, called "Cognitive Distortion". If you know what they are, maybe you can look out for them and avoid having them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Strange, im not sure it matters whats possible or not. Ive been in therapy half my life. Some things you really cant treat or cure. I would never say theres a point of no return but, well, doesnt matter what I think. Metaphors aside, I dont exaggerate what I experience. Cant exaggerate this feeling. We all live in our own version of hell. I "stick around" for now cos there are people in my life who have sacrificed alot just so I could stay sane. And there are consequences to consider. I just wanted to write and express myself, not be judged or given a medical diagnosis. I already know the mind is a terrible thing.
  4. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    The world is not always happy and perfect for everyone. And we can't have everything we want because if that's the case then we won't try hard to get it. I still think you should try there's always hope. And sometimes its okay not to pretend, sometimes its okay to just let it all out. You also mentioned that you just want to express yourself and not be judged for it. You can do it here.. you can vent all you want and no one will judge you... you can pm anyone you want and im sure they'll be willing to listen to you... I really wish you feel better...
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Crystal, your right. I just would have really loved to know how it felt for maybe just one day how it feels to be perfectly happy. To be beautiful. To be so filled and to live for carefree. The thing that bothers me most is you only get one life. And I spend most of it trying to piece together the jigsaw puzzle that is my mind. My attitude right now is to go ahead and finish the race, even though I know ill be in last place. Losing is better than quiting. Its just hard seeing everyone else so ahead of me.
  6. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    I know all of what you're feeling and thinking and more. I'm already at the point where the consquences don't really matter all that much to me, I'll be free and it won't matter to me anymore anyway. I too have tried therapy, meds, alternative treatments, support groups, and even moving half way across the country. None of it has really had any profound lasting effect, for me anyway. I dunno really what I'm trying to say, I guess that I truly, completely understand what you're saying and that your not alone. That I don't judge you or think your crazy or somehow 'bad' or 'wrong' for feeling this way. I will say though that since you still have that concern for the consquences then to try and hold onto that. It might just be what saves you and maybe brings you some happiness, living for others. Anyway I was just reading posts an came across yours, which is written very beautifully by the way. And well even though I've made my choice I still try and encourage others to keep going. I can't make other people's chioces though and your life is your life, like I said just know your not alone, I at least don't judge or condemn you, so try and take care, sorry your here.
  7. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    I love what you said here :) Can I make it my new motto? I have to admit I would also like to feel perfectly happy, beautiful and carefree... If you feel that life is a race, then please remember that, sometimes, we all move so fast, always wants to get ahead and be first that we miss the journey, we miss the view and sometimes we also miss the people who are cheering us on in this race...
    I wish the best for you *hugs*
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