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Suicidal ideation (I keep thinking about suicide)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Maceasar, Nov 21, 2014.

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  1. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    I am a 50 year old man and I have had depression since 1978 and anxiety since 1989. Im not going to go into my history but it long and extensive. Im writing this post because I just have one question

    I live my life thinking Im eventually going to kill myself.

    Does anyone have advice on how to stop thinking this way?

  2. pp272

    pp272 Member

    Yes, the exact same. I'm at the point where it is dragging me down so much, my mind is telling I should hurry up and do it already, since I believe it is going to happen anyway. It is completely debilitating.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, yes there are lots of ways to reduce anxiety,depression, other illnesses, it is hard to give any advice without knowing what you have already tried though. Have you already seen a professional? I really am sorry you have been suffering this long, life is unfair. I am glad you joined up here though because you will meet many like minded people and maybe get some ideas and coping mechanisms from them. Welcome :)
  4. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Im glad someone knows how I feel

    Im just on my way to bed but Ill give my history in the morning.

    I just exist. I have no motivation to do anything (after all, Im going to kill myself one day) is how I feel, so whats the point in doing this or that
  5. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Thank you Petal for the welcome.

    Here's my history . . .

    1978 - became depressed.
    1979 - attempted suicide 3 times, saw first therapist, went to a in-patient treatment program for 11 months
    I went to a few therapists during the following years. Ive always seen therapists
    1989 - I had my first anxiety attack. I began taking Xanax for it
    1990 - Attempted <Mod Edit:Methods> Attended in-patient program for 6 weeks.
    During these years, Ive had jobs, but no career to speak of. Ive been on about 100 medications throughout the years, seen therapists, been in the psych ward twice.
    Ive also been in another out patient program (twice). had electric shock therapy. My anxiety attacks manifest in excessive sweating. which has been hard to deal with.
    I have chronic depression, social anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder. Thats the jist of my history.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2014
  6. pp272

    pp272 Member

    I'm sorry that you have been dealing with this issue for as long as you have. This is something that has started in the past year or so for me. I go to sleep convinced that I am not going to wake up the next morning, but then of course I do. Unfortunately, then I have to go through the same routine believing that the next night is going to be my last. It is very disruptive.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are very welcome...

    wow even just the dates(years) oh my, you have been suffering so long, I cannot imagine going through all of that for so many years. That is LOT of medications, so in no way are you even close to new with this but there is always hope. You say you have always been seeing therapist, was in just like regular talking counseling or different types of therapy? CBT is an excellent choice if you have not had it already.

    I have had to edit out the part about the method you mentioned as we can't speak of methods here (pro-life), But I did ask you to share your history if you wanted so don't worry about that. I have just edited it because it could trigger other members and we have some very young members here.

    It's just crazy to think you have suffering with this all those years. I am 25 years old, been suffering with depression since I was 12(I was abused/raped), I wanted to give up so badly but in the end which was not that long ago, I am now on the right medications.

    I guess the good news is they are bringing out new drugs all the time Lyrica is fairly new I believe and it's for anxiety, I am on it and definitely seeing benefits from it.
    Your diagnosis I think here is key, ask your doctor if you can see a specialist in body dysmorphic disorder. I say this because they once sent a nurse to me that knew nothing about PTSD (she admitted it) and it really ticked me off. Make sure you are seeing the correct people.
    As for now, one day at a time and we are here for you anytime you need us. You must have a hell load of experience in dealing with these issues so maybe helping others will help you? Your experience and advice to others may save lives.

    Whatever happens, whatever the outcome I hope you can get through this. You have been fighting this a long time, don't leave that go to waste.

  8. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Im sorry you are having trouble. I go to sleep and wish I didnt wake up but that doesnt happen

    Yes, Ive been through it all. 34 years. Im in Canada and Ive been lucky to always been able to see therapists (usually I have seen them for several - 6 years). I have tried cognitive therapy in the day programs that I went to but it was probably not in depth as it should have been. My therapist now thinks that cognitive therapy would help me but he doesnt do it and I see from the internet, there are therapists in the area but I dont think they are covered by insurance.

    If anyone has suggestions for websites about cognitive therapy, I would appreciate a link. I know the basics (all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, catastrophizing, etc) but I dont really know what to say to myself to counter act my negative thoughts

    I have had good years also I think but I have always had suicidal idealization. In 1983?, I made a vow to myself that I would kill myself within 10 years and that has just always stuck with me. The irony is that has almost kept me going with that thought in mind.

    Right now I am on cymbalta and wellbutrin. I was doing well but not right now.

    I saw a person in Vancouver for BDD but that didnt seem to go anywhere. I got the impression she was at the hospital to help people with anorexia.

    I hadnt thought that my experience might help others until Petal mentioned it. Who knows, maybe I can.

    I gained weight because of my depression and I was sick and tired of being overweight that I started exercising using Tony Little Gazelle flyer https://www.google.ca/search?q=tony+little+gazelle+glider&biw=1366&bih=643&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=HkByVPqzEsXzoAS_voCoCg&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAg and Ive lost 50 pounds. That did help my self esteem and it is something that I take ownership of that that is something that I have done right. You have to change your eating as well. It took time to gain the weight and it will take time to take the weight off. I really didnt want to exercise but I had to. It helped my self image.

    Im wondering now if I should try shock therapy again because nothing else has worked for me regarding the depression

  9. pp272

    pp272 Member

    Part of our problem with believing that suicide is going to happen is that our minds are emotionally and cognitively set on this path. Our response to set of circumstances is that surely we must die. As you guys know, both DBT and CBT, together with mindfulness which ties into both, deal with trying alter our instinctive reaction to something, whether it be years of many things or a single moment that is the trigger.
    My current challenge is to accept that this form of therapy will work, because acceptance and change has to come from within. I feel that maceasar has the strength and courage to make change from within because of comments to made about your weight: you stated that you didn't like something, and took steps to change it.
    I am noticing a bit of a change with mindfulness training. I started with dealing with the mail not being delieved on time, which is a small, but minor annoyance. I had to take note of my actions, write them down and present this to my therapist. We talked about how to change my response, and decided to deliberately and consciously alter how to respond to the mail being late. It felt really artificial at first, and quite frankly, really stupid, but as we moved onto altering more serious responses to situations, such as self-harming, I did appreciate that we had started with something small and manageable.
    It is a long road, and takes a lot of a self-belief, and at times artificial self-belief, but I have a small amount of hope that it might change and remove the constant thoughts to suicide that are present.
    If you haven't tried it already, perhaps mindfulness is the way to go? It is not a quick fix, but it seems like, maybe, it might just work.
  10. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    I thought your post was well written and someone mentioned mindfulness the other day to me. It isnt something I have thought about until now. Thank you.

    I have given myself anxiety attacks thinking about suicide but I see that there are people here who dont have families - I do - and I should be mindful of that and be thankful that I do have family who care about me.

    Ive lived my life thinking I would kill myself and I havent and the only thing I have done is waste my life. I wish I had never thought of suicide and allowed it to control my life as it has
  11. pp272

    pp272 Member

    Mindfulness seems to be pretty successful in helping change learned behaviors and other emotional habits and responses.

    My mother has depression, and when she hit 60, she thought she needed to finish things on a high note (her words) and train for marathons. So she runs a couple each year and is now 68 - still runs them. Honestly, for anyone to run just one in their life would be enough, but she has done about 15 of them. I can't really remember the bad stuff in her life from before that because of this massive feat she has acheived. Plus, the training gave her focus and pretty much seemed to get rid of any depressive episodes.
    So, if you are about 50, well you have ten years head start :)
  12. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Im sorry. I saw the first page and I did realize there was a page 2.
    Thats great that your mom is running marathons. Thats amazing!!

    Ill have to check out mindfulness. Thank you
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I read somewhere on this forum that fantasy about suicide is a way to cope with stress it was interesting perspective why some people think about suicide. Gotta find that thread. Thought I'd say it here because maybe that's what you're doing as a way to cope with stress. Just a suggestion
  14. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Sorry, again, I havent followed this thread.
    Yes, Ive heard that said that is it a way to cope. I believe that I really would some day do myself in and I dont think of it as a way to cope with stress.
    I told my mom that I felt suicidal and I am going into the psych ward and get shock therapy. I've had it before - about 7 times - but it didnt work Here's hoping that it works
    Take care
  15. Chloeinoz

    Chloeinoz Banned Member

    Good luck with ect I've seen it work wonders
  16. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Thank you
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