Hi there, i am new here. i have suffered from depresion for many years and i have coped with depression by using many different coping mechanisms for a long time, i have self harmed (i nearly cut off my right arm in 2001) both with cuttiing (and injecting causic substances into my muscles)and drug use. i have also attempted suicide on many occasions (on one occasion i took <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods> fully expecting to die confortably only to wake the next day with head ache from hell and no drugs for the next week). i also have nearly constant suicide ideation for many years. all this was due to an awfull relationship i had with nasty nasty woman that emotionaly abused me to the extent i hated myself with a passion. she also stopped me seeing my daughter at the time for 6 years. fair enough we had a bad relationship but she was honestly the one at fault. anyway over the last 3 years i had sorted my problems, i went through cognative behaviour therapy and found a wonderfull woman and started a relationship with her. i got clean from drugs and started my own business. all the time over the last three i have had suicidal ideation but i new there was a big diference between suicidal ideation and being suicidal. i have suffered from suicidal ideation for many years now. anyway recently my health failed me. i had damaged myself pretty badly during my self harm years by injecting drugs into my femoral veins in my legs. this caused deep vein thrombosis at the time and i have had leg ulcers ever since. ok i i can live with that i will be compression bandaging for the rest of my life but at least i can walk (allthough i am constant pain with it). anyway a couple of months ago i started having head aches and blured vision and one day whilst at work i keeled over and fell into a coma. it turned out i was having transient ischeamic attacks or mini strokes to you and me. i started to recover from this when i get a letter through the door saying my daughter is going to be taken into care becouse my ex girlfreind has been neglecting her due to drug use and prostitution (not only that but my daughter had been assulted buy my ex's current boyfreind and she had witnessed him cutting her little finger off with garden securters) i loved my daughter very much and missed her with all my heart. i went streight down to swansea and said i would take over the care of my daughter. the social worker agreed to this wanted a DNA test just to confirm paternity. you guessed it it turned out she was not my daughter after all. all these things together have made me truly suicidal for the first time in along time. i have a plan (i have <Mod edit: Abacus21 - methods> here and my tolerance will be down these days) and i am seriously considering ending it. i am tired of life. for the last 10 years i have been tearing myself up over a duaghter that i cant see and telling myself i am the worst father in world for nothing. my life would have been so different if i had known the truth 10 years ago. i have no freinds now as i keep myself to myself since my duaghter was but it would destroy my girlfreind if she were to find me dead. am i selfish to want to kill myself or am i selfish staying alive just for her. if i die now she can be free to live her life and fullfill her potential as she needs. i love her so much and she is awsome but shouldent that be more reason to let her go. i am so tired my mum would morn me but my father would not and thats all i have left in the world. i am not afraid to die now i have been through so much i really think its time to close my eyes on the world and realease my energy back into the cosmos. Joel.