suicidal ideation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by joel Thompson, May 27, 2009.

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  1. joel Thompson

    joel Thompson Member

    Hi there,
    i am new here.
    i have suffered from depresion for many years and i have coped with depression by using many different coping mechanisms for a long time,
    i have self harmed (i nearly cut off my right arm in 2001) both with cuttiing (and injecting causic substances into my muscles)and drug use.
    i have also attempted suicide on many occasions (on one occasion i took <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods> fully expecting to die confortably only to wake the next day with head ache from hell and no drugs for the next week).
    i also have nearly constant suicide ideation for many years.
    all this was due to an awfull relationship i had with nasty nasty woman that emotionaly abused me to the extent i hated myself with a passion.
    she also stopped me seeing my daughter at the time for 6 years.
    fair enough we had a bad relationship but she was honestly the one at fault.
    anyway over the last 3 years i had sorted my problems,
    i went through cognative behaviour therapy and found a wonderfull woman and started a relationship with her.
    i got clean from drugs and started my own business.
    all the time over the last three i have had suicidal ideation but i new there was a big diference between suicidal ideation and being suicidal.
    i have suffered from suicidal ideation for many years now.
    anyway recently my health failed me.
    i had damaged myself pretty badly during my self harm years by injecting drugs into my femoral veins in my legs.
    this caused deep vein thrombosis at the time and i have had leg ulcers ever since.
    ok i i can live with that i will be compression bandaging for the rest of my life but at least i can walk (allthough i am constant pain with it).
    anyway a couple of months ago i started having head aches and blured vision and one day whilst at work i keeled over and fell into a coma.
    it turned out i was having transient ischeamic attacks or mini strokes to you and me.
    i started to recover from this when i get a letter through the door saying my daughter is going to be taken into care becouse my ex girlfreind has been neglecting her due to drug use and prostitution (not only that but my daughter had been assulted buy my ex's current boyfreind and she had witnessed him cutting her little finger off with garden securters)
    i loved my daughter very much and missed her with all my heart.
    i went streight down to swansea and said i would take over the care of my daughter.
    the social worker agreed to this wanted a DNA test just to confirm paternity.
    you guessed it it turned out she was not my daughter after all.

    all these things together have made me truly suicidal for the first time in along time.
    i have a plan (i have <Mod edit: Abacus21 - methods> here and my tolerance will be down these days) and i am seriously considering ending it.

    i am tired of life.
    for the last 10 years i have been tearing myself up over a duaghter that i cant see and telling myself i am the worst father in world for nothing.

    my life would have been so different if i had known the truth 10 years ago.

    i have no freinds now as i keep myself to myself since my duaghter was but it would destroy my girlfreind if she were to find me dead.

    am i selfish to want to kill myself or am i selfish staying alive just for her.

    if i die now she can be free to live her life and fullfill her potential as she needs.
    i love her so much and she is awsome but shouldent that be more reason to let her go.

    i am so tired my mum would morn me but my father would not and thats all i have left in the world.

    i am not afraid to die now i have been through so much i really think its time to close my eyes on the world and realease my energy back into the cosmos.

    Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry you've been through so much. Your ex sounds awful.

    Have you talked to your current girlfriend about how you feel? I know things seem bad now; but if you're happy with her, and the two of you care about each other, you could find happiness again.

    I hope you talk to someone. PM me if you ever feel like talking or venting. Try to hang in there!!
  3. joel Thompson

    joel Thompson Member

    Thanks wildcherry,

    she knows that i have suicidal ideation but she thinks that i have it under control.
    she thinks suicide is very selfish (which it is) and has no time for people who even consider it.
    we are both strubling at the moment as she is in the middle of her final exams at uni and we have some money problems so i dont want to stress.
    i just wanted to vent and thought this forum would be a good place to get it off my chest.

    Thanks for listining,

  4. joel Thompson

    joel Thompson Member

    i have decided to it today.
    well not really decided it is just happaning really.
    <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods>
    i dont want to wake up from this this time.
    its funny i am confortable with this and it feels right.

    i have drafted a note for my girlfreind and family and left on the desktop of my computer where they should find it.
    at least they will know it was my choice to do this.
    since writing this i have started the <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods>
    i am also nursing a large whisky and root beer.

    i have been told <Mod Edit: methods> overdose is unpleasent but hey the <Mod Edit: methods> should drown that out,

    Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2009
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you change your mind, that you don't go through with it. I'm around if you want to talk.
  6. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi there...

    I've edited out the methods in your post, as this is a pro-life site - no methods etc.

    I do hope you come through this hard time, and emerge from it alive.

    Take care.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry things are so rough...we are here so please use us and talk about what is going on...this is a much better way to take care of yourself and your daughter...there are so many of us who truly understand...big hugs, J
  8. joel Thompson

    joel Thompson Member

    well i am out of hospital after another failed attempt.

    i wont go into details due to the forum rules but when i did not come home after posting this thread my girlfreiknd checked my history on my computer an found this thread.
    she phoned the police and they found me in my workshop unconcious and took me to the hospital where the administered naltrexone and bought me back.
    i was very angry to wake up from this one.
    i thought i had covered al the bases.
    it wont happen next time.
    luckily i convinced the duty phyciatrist all was well she even said she cant see why she was even called as i was not mentaly ill :unsure:
    and released me to go home with no further action.

    luckily my girlfreind is going back to finland on wednesday which will give me a month in the house alone and undisturbed.

    i will try again early next week when she has been gone a few days.

    this time has the added advantage of there being no chance she will find the body.
    i presume she will call the police after a few of days no contact and they should find the body.

    its weird becouse now in a way my life is better than ever and loads of things are comming together (my business is doing well,i love my girlfreind i have closure in regards to my daughter in a way and i just got exceptd into univertsity)
    but all thet does change how i feel i wont leave anyone to mourn me and the world will fine without me (ect ect that suicidal people say) but i am tired now.
    also i was comfertable when went under during the last attempt and i cant think of a better way to go.
    peace at last.

    by the way the paternity tests on my daughter brought up some interesting concerns regards her paterniry and her great grand father was arrested as it turns out he is the real father.
    weird hu.

  9. kiera

    kiera Member

    Hi Joel. She is still your daughter. You love her and she loves you, this is a bond you cannot break. I think she needs you and you need her. If you leave her, you take away her hope. Everything is just overwhelming right now. Please allow yourself one more day and then hopefully another and another. Slowly you can accept these recent shocks. Your girlfriend loves you as well. Why would you want to leave someone who makes you happy? especially since you have finally escaped the woman that made you feel this way in the first place. This is such a fresh start for you. A reason to live?
    Your girlfriend and daughter will never recover. They may even follow you.
  10. joel Thompson

    joel Thompson Member

    well no she is not my duaghter.
    i have not seen for four years and now i find out her great grandfather (the mothers gradnfather) is the real paternal father.

    my mother had had more contact but even she has not seen her for three years.

    it is probabl she will go into care now but becouse i no longer have paternal rights i wont even know if this happens.
    there is nothing i can do know other gan walk away and hope she find a good foster placemant.
    my mother may well put herself as a significant other and apply to be a foster parent but thats her decision.
    i need to walk away now.

    i am comfertable with suicide now.
    i have had suicidal ideation for many years now and even made several half hearted attempts at suicide but i never really wanted to do it and did not feel deep down that i knew what i had to do as i do now.

    its funny even though i can talk to a couple of faceless people here about it here no one will know or even care when i actualy do go through with it.
    my posts will just stop and the thread will be buried along with countless other forgoten suicides or rehabilitations in the archives.

    funny huh.

    anyway i will keep posting till next week but i think a week on monday is the day.

    thanks for the interest folks it is nice to know at least i am not alone and to be able with people who wont automaticaly scorn me for even thinking about suicide.

  11. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Joel, lot of similar stuff going on with me if you want to chat. I've sent you a pm.
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