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Suicidal Jealousy - People I Envy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HelgasAngel, Apr 6, 2013.

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  1. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Fear of pain has been replaced by fear of failure. And now fear of failure has been replaced by pangs of jealousy. I envy those who have attempted suicide and succeeded. My family has done a good job of 'suicide-proofing' my house and not bringing in any possible *items* I could use to kill myself with. In fact, my mom bought this specific house because of it's layout - it truly is suicide-proof. However, there is a loophole. I've discovered it and I plan on exploiting it...

    BUT I've done it before, and I didn't succeed. I didn't have nearly as strong a method then that I do now though. I read about people who have used the method I plan on using and how they died on their first try using that specific method and I'm jealous. Understanding that no two people are the same, therefore no two physiological make-ups are the same, doesn't help my frustration over my failure and their success. I wish that I could just...do it and die like they have. I do find solace in their deaths. Sadness for their families, but solace all the same. I know that if they could do it, why can't I? The envy is stronger than the comfort though. Ugh. I found a really interesting article discussing the probability of certain methods. One method had an 89 percent success rate (I won't mention it here for user-safety purposes) with a trade-off, which I also won't mention. But that'll be method number two if this first one doesn't work out. Crossing my fingers it does.

    Anyway, I just hope it works. It has to. I've cut it down to a science as I'm sure the People I Envy had as well. Nobody is invincible. My motto is and always will be until the hopeful end: I am not a superhuman. It helps me understand that at some point, something has to give. At least I got fear of pain out of the way. The way I see it, any pain I experience from the method I plan on using I deserve and I welcome it with open arms. Any repercussions, I deserve. Have you ever thought this way? Have you ever...attempted, and failed, and now, on the eve of another attempt, you fear you might fail again?
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I have failed several times, I still think why oh fuck why, then I have had some amazing things happen, bad too that is life I guess, I wish oh wish so much that you would not do this, that somehow I could find the words for you to be able to reach out and get the help you truly deserve, so that you may give life a go and find some sense of happiness, and have the chance to experience new things
  3. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    yeah there's somebody else that wishes the same thing for me, and i thank you for wishing that but this is just something I have to do. No hope for me. Period. I hope you'll be able to get through to someone else though. <3
  4. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    I've tried once in 8th grade, but that was just stupid. I've been planning and researching ways to die, but i'm too scared of the pain. I've been thinking about poisonous gases, but I'm afraid of if I fail what I would be after.. a vegetable or paralyzed.
  5. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    If you have sadness for the families of people who have attempted suicide and succeeded, what do you feel for your family, your Mom, right at this very moment, if you attempted and succeeded? Do you have solace when you think of that? I am not trying to be fresh or disrespectful towards you, I am simply trying to understand. Your Mom seems to have gone to great lengths to protect you. Mom specifically purchased a home with the express intent of keeping her child safe. That has to count for something. Please tell me, why does it have to be tonight as you stated "on the eve of another attempt"? What makes tonight so special? I want you to keep coming back here and talking....you must have more to say. Please talk to us.
  6. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    yeah, I think...after you get over how painful something would be, you have to get over your desire to have a normal life if you fail. I don't care about life to the point where if I'm severely handicapped after my attempt...so what? Not like I was going to do anything with my life anyway =p So many people haven't overcome that question, "so what?" because deep deep deep down they probably want to do more in life. God bless you brother.
  7. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Oh no, I don't plan on doing it tonight. I plan on doing it on my birthday though. That's a special day. And I don't think I have to explain why then. Yes, my mom has done everything for me. Now she needs to start doing things for herself. Right now, I don't give a crap how my family would feel if I did succeed. I'm not even close with 95 percent of my family. It is what it is.=p
  8. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    I'm a Mom, HelgasAngel. I can't imagine your Mom doing "anything" for herself except the "motions" of getting through a day if you were to succeed. Maybe she will feel that she failed. You can't honestly tell me, having gone through such steps to protect and keep you safe, that she doesn't care. I believe she would be devastated. So, I'm not sure that your way of thinking, "Mom has done everything for me, now it's her turn to do something for herself" is even remotely accurate. I would be a very long time before she could do something for herself.....you have to trust me on that one.
  9. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    no, she does care. I know she does. But it's just something I have to do. She has a very loving and supportive family around her. She'll be alright.
  10. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid my fear of pain kept me from actually trying; that plus the possible results of a failed attempt. If I think I'm alone and/or worthless now, heaven knows how very much worse that feeling would be should I end up being totally dependent on others because my choice left me completely mangled or crippled or unable to think and act for myself. I don't have anyone I may depend on should any of that happen. I have to be responsible for others so even were I to go back to really feeling it was necessary, it couldn't happen until after others were gone. Quite the catch-22...guess I"m better off trying to beat my depression and finding something worth living for (for me in addition to responsibility for others.)

    I guess your family (and others?) must have hurt you very deeply to not care what they are going to have to deal with once your gone (or if you don't succeed and become completely dependent on others to care for you)...

    I've lost and I've met other people irl who have lost loved ones to suicide ~ children, spouses, parents ~ they really are very broken souls. They feel like it was all their fault for not seeing, not being able to stop it, not being worth enough to have them stay around for them. I never realized how much that kind of thing from our past can impact us. Lost my grandfather to suicide (never got to meet him). My mum tried it (possibly a couple times) and thankfully, for me, did not succeed. Never thought though how much that imprinted on me ~ I felt I really WAS worthless, totally not valuable enough for her to want to stay with me. Not sure what I did to make her feel that way though...maybe nothing.

    At any rate, I hope you rethink your choice. There might be something in future you've not considered or learned about that would be truly worth hanging around for and experiencing. :apologetic:
  11. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    mostly my dad did things that made me dislike him to the point where I don't want anything to do with him, that includes his side of the family, which unfortunately is my family.

    As for failing...there is no way I could fail. Only way I see myself failing with this attempt is if I'm just not human at all. But like the motto goes: I am not a superhuman.
  12. ambivalent

    ambivalent Member

    I just registered a few minutes ago and this thread is the first "members only" one that I have read.

    My handle - ambivalent - describes perfectly what I feel, and how I relate to suicide and/or suicidal thoughts (ideation).

    Sometimes, when the pressures and stresses of my life are so heavy, and it hurts to even breathe, I think about attempting it again (attempted many times when I was much younger, then had a hiatus of more than 20 years, until now).

    One of my daughters took her own life last February of this year. She would have been 23 last March 6. Now, she is forever 22.

    I've now accepted that I am a permanent resident of Crazytown. The devastation is just so huge, I have no words to describe it, other than maybe that in this place that I reside in unknown to others, reality is so flexible that I am still able to chat with my daughter over Skype, over GChat, and don't see it strange that I never receive any answer anymore.

    I go through the motions of each day not really anticipating grief to suddenly wash over me. Yet, it does. While walking in the mall, buying stuff at the supermarket, tending to my plants and pets, even just talking with random people whom I encounter during the day - the pain and grief suddenly take hold of me and I end up crying and not knowing what to do to make the pain stop.

    All these, for a daughter who couldn't be described as an angel nor a saint, not by a long shot. Highly erratic for the most part of her growing-up, it was really hard to deal with the drama that she helped create.

    That being the case, I suppose a part of my mind never really imagined that this pain that resulted from her sudden leaving would be this... well, painful.

    Yes, she did create havoc in our lives, brought us some shame at times, put us into dark and chaotic financial holes now and then, made us feel that we were useless, worthless and always wrong.

    But there were also beautiful and radiant moments that came about because of her. And if only for those moments, I treasured and valued her... her life.

    Your mom, HelgasAngel... should you decide to go through with your plans, she will be automatically joining the group of people like me who have lost a child to suicide.

    Your mom will be living through the pain that I, and many more, live through on a daily basis, almost non-stop.

    Your mom may have the best support system of family and friends who will do what they can to comfort her, but just the same, even with all of their concern and efforts, your mom will remain broken. Her heartache will never cease, only maybe until her own life ends.

    I speak from experience, HelgasAngel.

    Perhaps you already know this, perhaps you still don't... just the same, it is worthy to mention it here:

    What makes losing someone to suicide so extremely hurtful, is that we have loved.

    Loved someone imperfect, perhaps even mean most times, selfish, arrogant, whatever... we still chose to love that person.

    Our love was what defined her value to us, those she suddenly left behind.

    I am torn apart because she had not been able to see past the temporary pain she had been experiencing, to see how loved she was/still is.

    I pray that your mom will never get acquainted with the pain that survivors of those who have taken their own lives, go through.

    I pray that she never enters Crazytown. It's an infinitely sad and lonely place.

    As for me, and why I have suicidal ideation even up to now - I grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family. Was battered by my eldest sister, got sexually abused and molested by several people... long story short, there was just so much bad stuff that I had to deal with growing up.

    I looked forward to having a "normal" family (as opposed to the one that I had) and worked hard to achieve that, together with my husband.

    Out of 5 children, 4 were into self-harm. Two of them got over self-harming and are now trying to put stability in their own lives. One of our children is still doing it, in various ways, not just physical. And one already killed herself.

    As I said, Crazytown is not a good place to be in.

    I pray your mom would never be able to find her way to it.
  13. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    I'm sure she'd rather live there then the hell I've put, still am putting her through. It'll be rough, no doubt about it, but she'll be alright.
  14. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF Ambivalent, thank you for generous post. Writing it must have been painful. As was said earlier there are other members on the forum who have lost loved ones. I hope you will find at least some of the support you need here.
  15. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    helga's angel,

    i get envious too of those who have succeeded

    please don't do it hun... we'd miss you

    hugs xx
  16. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    if you get envious of those who succeeded then you're in the same boat as me. lol so why say don't do it?;P
  17. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    because to me, it's so diffrent on a forum like this... we're trying to help each other- and i'm not sure how it would feel if it happened on these boards
  18. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    i attempted few times recently but i dont think i will ever attempt again simply because it will hurt my family so much and i wouldnt that on my conscious so i am never gonna suicide again. im gonna try and beat my depresson and head thoughts.
  19. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Man, good luck with that. Fight a good fight.
  20. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Fair enough Emily.
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