Fear of pain has been replaced by fear of failure. And now fear of failure has been replaced by pangs of jealousy. I envy those who have attempted suicide and succeeded. My family has done a good job of 'suicide-proofing' my house and not bringing in any possible *items* I could use to kill myself with. In fact, my mom bought this specific house because of it's layout - it truly is suicide-proof. However, there is a loophole. I've discovered it and I plan on exploiting it... BUT I've done it before, and I didn't succeed. I didn't have nearly as strong a method then that I do now though. I read about people who have used the method I plan on using and how they died on their first try using that specific method and I'm jealous. Understanding that no two people are the same, therefore no two physiological make-ups are the same, doesn't help my frustration over my failure and their success. I wish that I could just...do it and die like they have. I do find solace in their deaths. Sadness for their families, but solace all the same. I know that if they could do it, why can't I? The envy is stronger than the comfort though. Ugh. I found a really interesting article discussing the probability of certain methods. One method had an 89 percent success rate (I won't mention it here for user-safety purposes) with a trade-off, which I also won't mention. But that'll be method number two if this first one doesn't work out. Crossing my fingers it does. Anyway, I just hope it works. It has to. I've cut it down to a science as I'm sure the People I Envy had as well. Nobody is invincible. My motto is and always will be until the hopeful end: I am not a superhuman. It helps me understand that at some point, something has to give. At least I got fear of pain out of the way. The way I see it, any pain I experience from the method I plan on using I deserve and I welcome it with open arms. Any repercussions, I deserve. Have you ever thought this way? Have you ever...attempted, and failed, and now, on the eve of another attempt, you fear you might fail again?