Suicidal... Maybe?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wormling, Jul 21, 2007.

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  1. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Lol, I know this is going to sound completely off the wall and insane, but seeing as how I have been thinking about killing myself for nearly 8 years... I found this forum and thought maybe talking to someone ananomously might help, at least in organizing my thoughts coherently.

    Well, as stated I have been suicidal for years. People close to me always describe me as :severely depressed with suicidal tendencies: but as yet, I have never acted on the impulse to end it all because I know it is stupid to feel this way, but no matter what I do, I never feel any differently.
    I always, always, feel completely bored. I havent felt any emotion, even anger, for a very long time. As the psychiatrist i saw for a month during junior high described, it was a defense mechanism to protect myself from emotional harm. I couldnt stand my life so i withdrew into a fantasy world in my head, and thats the only place I am ever happy. I never really talk to people, I dont have social interaction beyond what is necessary, I just follow what people expect of me and do the minimum I can to get by in society.

    Gah, I am just ranting X_X *slaps self* long story short I guess....
    I had incest with my brother growing up...
    I was tied down and belted growing up...
    I was born with a facial defect that has ruined my life and made me ugly to all...
    I was always picked on and outcasted from everything because of my looks (my teachers humiliated me, I was kicked out of preschool for being ugly, my classmates PEED on me, etc etc etc).
    I was molested by my doctor...
    I dont know if I am gay or straight or bi...
    I have never had a girlfriend...
    I can count on 1 hand how many friends I have had in my life...
    My parents made me serve them alcohol during their naked pool parties while they talked about sex....

    I hate myself...
    I hate my life...
    I surround myself with ways to die to make me sleep at night...

    Is there any hope for my sad pathetic self...?

    I keep telling myself that suicide is not the answer, but I am intelligent (160 IQ, mathematician, physicist, and programmer in training ... yes im getting multiple degrees....) and have my life plotted out and I dont see a reason to keep suffering... I dont see a point to my existance. God i feel lame and stupid for even posting this...
     
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    you are not stupid for posting this.. you are simply letting your feelings out to help you heal which is good , believe me i have done that several times here.

    i know you have had a rough life but being intelligent as you are then God has a plan for you.... He gave you those abilities for a reason... You are very smart and strong. you will get through this.. God knows your heart and he has seen your tears. He will comfort you but until then if you need someone to talk with , please pm me or any of the others online here cause we care for you.

    This place is a very special place.. these members do care for you. we will help you in any way that you need us.. Many of us have been through the same things you have and can fully understand what you are going through and your pain.

    will be here for you when you need me and as often as you need me..
     
  3. Snowman

    Snowman Well-Known Member

    I think I know how you feel. :mellow:
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you will find solace here on SF. There is hope, what you truly need is good people around you, people who are close to your heart. It's an very under-estimated thing but having people to trust and believe in, is something which can make all the difference. And i'm sure by talking to us more here on SF, you will make those close friends.
     
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi there and :welcome: to the forum,

    I'm really glad that you have found this forum and truly hope that it helps you to get help and support anonymously. Did it help to write this post? One thing's for sure and that it was not stupid or lame or anything of the sort to write this post. That is exactly what this forum is here for.. i just hope it helps you in some way and that at the very least you're able to see that you're not alone.

    I'm sorry for all the awful things that you have been through in your life. You have been through more than your fair share and you did not deserve any of it.. your doctor, teachers, parents, etc were all wrong in the way they treated you. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, no matter what age, how they look, what belief/values they have, etc.

    You sound like a very intelligent person.. and you've survived the atrocious things in your life by finding coping mechanisms that help you through. While these coping mechanims did their job very well, and it's great that you developed these mechanisms to get you through, i hope that you find new, healthier ways of coping now. To be honest, this is something that I am now working on with my therapist.. i too have had self punishing coping mechanisms all surrounding self harm/suicide/disapperaing... i too have blocked off my feelings (especially anger) and have always been a strong 'thinker'. But now i'm learning, slowly, that while these coping mechanisms worked for me while younger, i can now learn new ways.. i can allow myself to feel.. iand maybe one day i'll learn to allow others in to my feelings too!

    Please keep posting if it helps.. and my PM inbox is always open to you
    :hug:
    Jenny x
     
  6. thething912

    thething912 Well-Known Member

    Wow that most be horrible. hug
     
  7. thething912

    thething912 Well-Known Member

    y parents made me serve them alcohol during their naked pool parties while they talked about sex

    No one can make you do anything be strong and walk away.

    I woundn't shun you.
     
  8. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    Ty everyone and yes, it did help in a way. Some times I just get so fed up with everything I just shut down and stare at a wall for hours or even days, not doing anything at all, and other times, I just want so very much for someone to talk to (I have very few friends, and havent even spoken to my family really since they kicked me out 5 years ago). Last night was one of those nights. I dwelt too much on how very alone I am and have been and all the awful things that I have endured, and then I destroyed valuable keepsakes of mine (one of my versions of self harm X_X), and then thought about killing myself for the millionth time and decided to finally try to get better. I found this website, made two posts, and chatted in the chat room till I had to go to work. It kept me occupied so I didnt do anything I would later regret and gave me a place where I can vent and rant and rave and so forth without reprocusion. For this, ty. I plan to use this site more now and to keep attempting to get better. - Wormling
     
  9. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    Well, im going to take a bunch of pills and kill myself monday night...I said I would kill myself three years ago..and nobody would listen until i acutall had to go to the hospital..Advice is good...but it won't help me this time..it won't bring howard back..he doesn't want to talk to me anymore!!:mad:

    Advice will not make him love me..so I must die..!! If he doesn't love me, he wants me to die!! Thats the way it is..:sad:
     
  10. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    There are always more people out there... Killing yourself over 1 loser is not the way to go =(
     
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you have had many things go wrong throughout your lifetime. I am glad you found our site and hope you are able to find the support you need. I am sorry you had to suffer through all you did. Hopefully the future will bring different things in your life.
     
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