It seems there are certain "triggers" (thoughts?) that cause my mood to turn suicidal. And, I'm having a hard time putting my finger on them (it?).
I want to be "someone", I think more than most people. Alot of people just don't care as much as I do what others think of them. That's always been very (too?) important to me, I believe.
Like, if I want real bad to connect, or be accepted in a certain way, and someone says that in order for ppl to be like I'm wanting to be accepted, then he/she has to to be a certain way....It seems I automatically decend into some kind of suicida mood..."I'm not that way...never have been, never will be, so I want to die". That sort of thing. I know that's kinda vague, but I don't want to be specific while this public.
It's like, when someone says I'm not what they want me to be, but, I want to be what they want me to be, that makes me suicidal.
I don't mean..."I like ppl that like the color green, and you like blue, so I don't like you". then..."Well, I wish I liked the color green." It's not that way. I can live w/ differences in "tastes" or "opinions". As a matter of fact, I seem to thrive on being "different" in that way.
It's more like..."I could never love someone who doesn't have healthy self-esteem". Well, that's a COMMON, HEALTHY way to be. and I know I'm not that way. I know my self-esteem is lower than a snakes belly. I know that I make ppl uncomfortable. THESE are the triggers that really make me want to end my life. It makes me feel even that much worse about myself. It makes me want to die, because the pain of knowing I'll never be healthy, or able to connect on a healthy level, is, for the most part, not very likely.
That's the thing for me, I think. And there are a thousand and one times when this can happen during any given week it seems. It makes me depressed just writing about it. I know it's true, is the reason it makes me depressed. I may be stupid, but I'm no fool. I've been this way for 50 years. Like, I'm just not good enough. And certain things trigger that feeling/mood. Then, it's like..."Why not just...(mods would edit)".
These are not thoughts either. They are real feelings, and moods. I've been in counseling for 30 years, regularly, btw.
Does any of this make any sense. Not that it matters. I know it's what makes me feel suicidal.
Is there anyone besides me that, for the most part, is able to "get by". and sometimes even feel good? But, then, just out of the blue, my mood can turn suicidal in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it lasts only a few minutes. Other times it can last days on end.
Do I even belong on this f**kin' forum? I cannot tell where I belong. I have no "niche". That's not self-pity btw, it a fair description of me, and my personality...fwiw...imho
I want to be "someone", I think more than most people. Alot of people just don't care as much as I do what others think of them. That's always been very (too?) important to me, I believe.
Like, if I want real bad to connect, or be accepted in a certain way, and someone says that in order for ppl to be like I'm wanting to be accepted, then he/she has to to be a certain way....It seems I automatically decend into some kind of suicida mood..."I'm not that way...never have been, never will be, so I want to die". That sort of thing. I know that's kinda vague, but I don't want to be specific while this public.
It's like, when someone says I'm not what they want me to be, but, I want to be what they want me to be, that makes me suicidal.
I don't mean..."I like ppl that like the color green, and you like blue, so I don't like you". then..."Well, I wish I liked the color green." It's not that way. I can live w/ differences in "tastes" or "opinions". As a matter of fact, I seem to thrive on being "different" in that way.
It's more like..."I could never love someone who doesn't have healthy self-esteem". Well, that's a COMMON, HEALTHY way to be. and I know I'm not that way. I know my self-esteem is lower than a snakes belly. I know that I make ppl uncomfortable. THESE are the triggers that really make me want to end my life. It makes me feel even that much worse about myself. It makes me want to die, because the pain of knowing I'll never be healthy, or able to connect on a healthy level, is, for the most part, not very likely.
That's the thing for me, I think. And there are a thousand and one times when this can happen during any given week it seems. It makes me depressed just writing about it. I know it's true, is the reason it makes me depressed. I may be stupid, but I'm no fool. I've been this way for 50 years. Like, I'm just not good enough. And certain things trigger that feeling/mood. Then, it's like..."Why not just...(mods would edit)".
These are not thoughts either. They are real feelings, and moods. I've been in counseling for 30 years, regularly, btw.
Does any of this make any sense. Not that it matters. I know it's what makes me feel suicidal.
Is there anyone besides me that, for the most part, is able to "get by". and sometimes even feel good? But, then, just out of the blue, my mood can turn suicidal in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it lasts only a few minutes. Other times it can last days on end.
Do I even belong on this f**kin' forum? I cannot tell where I belong. I have no "niche". That's not self-pity btw, it a fair description of me, and my personality...fwiw...imho