Suicidal moods...what's your "triggers"?

[aqaq22]

It seems there are certain "triggers" (thoughts?) that cause my mood to turn suicidal. And, I'm having a hard time putting my finger on them (it?).

I want to be "someone", I think more than most people. Alot of people just don't care as much as I do what others think of them. That's always been very (too?) important to me, I believe.

Like, if I want real bad to connect, or be accepted in a certain way, and someone says that in order for ppl to be like I'm wanting to be accepted, then he/she has to to be a certain way....It seems I automatically decend into some kind of suicida mood..."I'm not that way...never have been, never will be, so I want to die". That sort of thing. I know that's kinda vague, but I don't want to be specific while this public.

It's like, when someone says I'm not what they want me to be, but, I want to be what they want me to be, that makes me suicidal.

I don't mean..."I like ppl that like the color green, and you like blue, so I don't like you". then..."Well, I wish I liked the color green." It's not that way. I can live w/ differences in "tastes" or "opinions". As a matter of fact, I seem to thrive on being "different" in that way.

It's more like..."I could never love someone who doesn't have healthy self-esteem". Well, that's a COMMON, HEALTHY way to be. and I know I'm not that way. I know my self-esteem is lower than a snakes belly. I know that I make ppl uncomfortable. THESE are the triggers that really make me want to end my life. It makes me feel even that much worse about myself. It makes me want to die, because the pain of knowing I'll never be healthy, or able to connect on a healthy level, is, for the most part, not very likely.

That's the thing for me, I think. And there are a thousand and one times when this can happen during any given week it seems. It makes me depressed just writing about it. I know it's true, is the reason it makes me depressed. I may be stupid, but I'm no fool. I've been this way for 50 years. Like, I'm just not good enough. And certain things trigger that feeling/mood. Then, it's like..."Why not just...(mods would edit)".

These are not thoughts either. They are real feelings, and moods. I've been in counseling for 30 years, regularly, btw.

Does any of this make any sense. Not that it matters. I know it's what makes me feel suicidal.

Is there anyone besides me that, for the most part, is able to "get by". and sometimes even feel good? But, then, just out of the blue, my mood can turn suicidal in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it lasts only a few minutes. Other times it can last days on end.

Do I even belong on this f**kin' forum? I cannot tell where I belong. I have no "niche". That's not self-pity btw, it a fair description of me, and my personality...fwiw...imho

 

[aqaq22]

Do I even belong on this f**kin' forum? I cannot tell where I belong. I have no "niche". That's not self-pity btw, it a fair description of me, and my personality...fwiw...imho[/i]

Like, maybe I'm not even all that depressed. Maybe I just have a bad case of feelin'sorry for myself. Is that really depression?

I do not trust shrinks at all. Go to 10 different shrinks, and I've come away w/ 10 different diagnosis. If I tell a shrink I feel bad, it means your depressed. Simple as that . Any woman ever been to a hair dresser, and the hair dresser looks at your hair and says..."You don't need to be here, you're hair is perfect as it is. I cannot make it look better"?

That's the way I view shrinks. They will always diagnosis you as something or other. It's their job. Anyone ever had a shrink tell them..."You fine. No problems. Just a little self pity party. It'll pass. See ya later..."? I just don't trust them. But, then again, I don't obviously don't have much trust in anything...

 

[bluewail]

do you mean that feeling when you realise that what other people consider normal is totally out of reach for you? when you realise you'll never feel right, and you think that what's going on in your head won't ever be acceptable? when your stomach feels like its curling up inside you and trying to hide, and you freeze on the outside, trying to look ok to anyone else so they won't see the blind panic rising inside you? when you can see them backing away and watch the misunderstanding crossing their face as they desperately search for something to say, and you know you'll never be able to have a comfortable conversation with them again? but at the same time, none of that is really happening except to you because its just your inner fear that you're not right, not normal, and that you won't ever feel the way other people do? and by knowing that this will happen to you every time you feel for a second that you might not fit in 100%, all you can think about is running away and making it stop?

dunno if that's quite what you meant, but yeah. i'd say that was a trigger for me.

 

[aqaq22]

yeah, I'd say that pretty well sums it up.

and the way other people can say in 4 sentences something much better than I can say it in 4 hours, or, more accurately. cannot say at all

guess I'll spend the next 2 days in bed now, not havin' any christmas, as a result of tryin' to post on even a f'kng suicide forum..


. It' no one''s fault that I'm this way. (sounds like freddie prinzes' suicide note, haha, isnt' that just hilarious) and I edit 80 percent of what i try to say. typing and talking. f'k it f'k it all i hate being a fi'n freak i hate being' a f'king freak show.

 

[gentlelady]

Triggers come in so many different forms and from so many different avenues. It is good that you can identify the one that makes you feel the worst. I cannot say what is normal and what is not. Your feelings did not seem beyond normal to me, but we are both here at this forum, so i am not sure what I have to say is even relevant to the "outside world". I do not think you are out of place here.The fact that you feel triggered and suicidal at times does show you feel as many of us do. I won't pretend to understand completelyy because I don't think anyone really can. Hold on to those times you feel good. They are what can get you through. :hug:

 

[Lestat]

Mine are y Children. I no longer see them and I cant even think about them without breaking down or worse. I also find it hard to even see a family at the moment as it makes me miss my own.

 

[ggg456]

When I'm in severe physical/mental pain because of an eating disorder I want it to end. When I see no way out of the eating disorder. I can't say I've been suicidal this year without it being linked to anorexia somehow.

 

[Eztral]

That one girl I had and let go away.
Sometimes the girls I'm with to fill the void.

 

[RySp123]

dear aqaq22, many have manners better than ours, wording things in such manner that even a highly educated person would almost feel ashame or feel low yet no one is better or worse than our own self........ as we compare which is wrong. i feel for you as you've described in lenght things summarized by another yet your post, your very first has got into me and awaken a dormant though of myself. thanks for writing what i cant even begin to write or describe.

:hug:
granny (there is no age to feel out of place even within ourselves)

 

[bleach]

It's more like..."I could never love someone who doesn't have healthy self-esteem". Well, that's a COMMON, HEALTHY way to be. and I know I'm not that way. I know my self-esteem is lower than a snakes belly. I know that I make ppl uncomfortable. THESE are the triggers that really make me want to end my life. It makes me feel even that much worse about myself. It makes me want to die, because the pain of knowing I'll never be healthy, or able to connect on a healthy level, is, for the most part, not very likely.

Yeah... :sad:

 

[Lead Savior]

Not having something to occupy my mind 100% of the time. If I am ever granted a second of free time with which I can reflect, my thoughts immediately turn to the negative things I see in my life and I soon after find myself in a very depressed mood with suicidal thoughts.

 

[The_Discarded]

Not having something to occupy my mind 100% of the time. If I am ever granted a second of free time with which I can reflect, my thoughts immediately turn to the negative things I see in my life and I soon after find myself in a very depressed mood with suicidal thoughts.

I'm the very same way.

 

[Melancholy]

I'm the very same way.

Same again :unsure:

 

[Lonleyandconfused]

Well alot of things.

The bigest one seems to be when i have to sit still in a public place, like church and when we go out to eat (i still live at home) im fine at stores though.

I think about it everyday though.

 

[sui caedere]

I dont know what my trigger is.

I have bottled up so many things and have so many problems it is hard to work it out.

some of my proplems are small some are big i can handle them one at a time but when lots of the start to get to me my mind turns in to a mess and tells me to shut down.

the more i try to fix things the bigger the mess i make of it which ads to more problems.

the police my doctor my probation officer even the people i work with are scared i kill myself but the nhs are to busy right now to help me even with my past.

and to think all that tax i pay each month

 

[ace]

aqaq I do get what you're saying that's like me times down the years I've been at a club and you're meant to be in a jumpy mood at least most of the time.I could be jovial and then in a matter of seconds bang I'm suicidal and want to neck myself or something,I think imagine that one minute this and then in second's bang how fucked is that?

I know with my condition of Bipolar it makes sense,but I often say to myself I feel like such a confused person well with my ocd it's not surprsing.But how does someone exactly understand what you're like?Don't worry believe mw I understand what you're saying.

 

[White Dove]

1 - being called a liar

2 - being left out and made to feel like i am not even there.. example is = one time the ministers wife come in and said hi to the ones sitting in front and behind me but not me, like i was not even there )

3 - being treated like shit without any fairness in it, like with this dang arson.. my trailer was destroyed and police dont care, if it had been their home they would have talked with morte people, etc.. but since its me and was my home, its like, oh yea that was susans dont worry about it.. justoic, thats what i need fairness.. is that too much to ask for????

3 - bringing my god damn past back up into my face.. that is a trigger in a half for me.. let me bury it for good and dont bring it back up, if you still think of me that way keep it to your self and not put it out there on a public forum for others to read it, that destroyes what little i have built up, it destroyes my reputation that i have tried to rebuild.. it turns others against me when they dont know or can see or realize that i have changed..

4 = dont say something negative and hurt my feelings on a public forum.. if you dont like what i got to say, either dont read it , block it, or just pass it on up.. like with my post the other day.. they just had to post.. i am confused, tell us in your own words... dont do that.. it puts a trigger in me.. if you dont like me or love me then thats fine but dont post something to hurt me diliberatly.. i was trying to rebuild my trust and my freeking life but cant when people like you tend to always hurt.. i am emotionaly unstable as it is, and can do it.. it will only take a small push to push me over the edge and praying to God cant help when i am that close to falling off...

 

[aqaq22]

Loss.

Take something, or the right (wrong?) combination of things, that's important enough to that person, from that person, and they'll want out..

Loss of hope, faith, health, youth, career, family, passion, connection, etc.

It's my opinion that most humans are made this way.

Mines' been a combination, over many years, of most of the above.

Are we all as strong as Job was?