I haven't posted on the forums for a while.. Partly cos I've been busy, partly cos I hate the new layout, partly because my laptop isn't working and I don't like typing long posts on my iPod. But I'm going to just spill everything. Right now. I don't know what I want to get out of this post, but hopefully I feel better. Any replies would be greatly appreciated. Basically, I'm sick of life. I've had enough. I don't know if it'll get better. I don't know if I'll get better. I thought I was getting better, until I began crying myself to sleep every night again. Before I got urges so strong and so bad that I didn't know if they were SH or SU. and now, the urges have images of the type of damage that'd occur. And.. It's bad. Very bad. But there's a lot I don't understand. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to put myself first.. And no matter how bad I feel, I'll attempt to help other people, talk them down from suicide, provide a listening ear. But.. When it comes to talking about what's wrong with me, I just can't. I feel like I'll be judged or ridiculed or abandoned to deal with it myself. Only when things are really bad will I say anything. I feel like I have no reason to feel like this. I mean, I've got great (online) friends, and perhaps a small handful irl? I have an amazing gf, and a radio station that's helped me. The radio station is a Christian station, and that helps. As do the two youthgroups I go to. One is for LGBT teens, one is a Christian group. I used to play canoe polo, and that helped a lot, but I've injured myself so badly that I'm often in extreme physical pain, and unable to play. I'm unable to lie on either side, or my back without pain, and am unable to breathe properly on my front. My doctor won't run tests to find out what's wrong, either. I'm also a lesbian (kinda obvious since I said I have a gf) and having problems with that. I didn't come out, as such. I was outed by a gossip page on Facebook. Yea, they exist. After that (July 9, 2011) most of my friends left me. Although there have been a few good reactions, most people irl just chose to hurl abuse. I still don't accept that. I'm fine with anyone else who's LGBTQQA+ or anything else that's different to "normal" but myself? Idk.. I just.. Cant. And then there's my religion.. Yea, I'm having problems with that too, because I feel I walked away from it and turned my back. But.. I want to get back, believe firmly again.. Plus that and my sexuality are kinda clashing inside my head.. I haven't cut now for one month, one week, and two days.. But each night it's harder not to. Each night, I get memories. Memories of bullying (emotional, physical and verbal), sexual abuse, death, parents divorce, and even happier memories of better times, that I wish I still had.. Things I miss. The names I've been called go through my head, including "bitch, ugly, fat, useless, worthless, weird, a freak, no good, stupid, depressive presence sucking the happiness out of the room", as well as many others. There's so much more that I need to get out, but I don't know how to word it all I know now is that each day is a struggle, each day I'm fighting not only my own urges, but other people's too.. I don't know how far away from snapping I am.. I dont know what I want out of this post, other than to let it out and support. And if you read all of it, congratulations, and thankyou.