Suicidal, need to vent *poss trig*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost_Dashite, Jan 25, 2012.

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  1. Lost_Dashite

    Lost_Dashite Senior Member

    I haven't posted on the forums for a while.. Partly cos I've been busy, partly cos I hate the new layout, partly because my laptop isn't working and I don't like typing long posts on my iPod. But I'm going to just spill everything. Right now. I don't know what I want to get out of this post, but hopefully I feel better. Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

    Basically, I'm sick of life. I've had enough. I don't know if it'll get better. I don't know if I'll get better. I thought I was getting better, until I began crying myself to sleep every night again. Before I got urges so strong and so bad that I didn't know if they were SH or SU. and now, the urges have images of the type of damage that'd occur. And.. It's bad. Very bad.

    But there's a lot I don't understand. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to put myself first.. And no matter how bad I feel, I'll attempt to help other people, talk them down from suicide, provide a listening ear. But.. When it comes to talking about what's wrong with me, I just can't. I feel like I'll be judged or ridiculed or abandoned to deal with it myself. Only when things are really bad will I say anything.

    I feel like I have no reason to feel like this. I mean, I've got great (online) friends, and perhaps a small handful irl? I have an amazing gf, and a radio station that's helped me. The radio station is a Christian station, and that helps. As do the two youthgroups I go to. One is for LGBT teens, one is a Christian group. I used to play canoe polo, and that helped a lot, but I've injured myself so badly that I'm often in extreme physical pain, and unable to play. I'm unable to lie on either side, or my back without pain, and am unable to breathe properly on my front. My doctor won't run tests to find out what's wrong, either.

    I'm also a lesbian (kinda obvious since I said I have a gf) and having problems with that. I didn't come out, as such. I was outed by a gossip page on Facebook. Yea, they exist. After that (July 9, 2011) most of my friends left me. Although there have been a few good reactions, most people irl just chose to hurl abuse. I still don't accept that. I'm fine with anyone else who's LGBTQQA+ or anything else that's different to "normal" but myself? Idk.. I just.. Cant.

    And then there's my religion.. Yea, I'm having problems with that too, because I feel I walked away from it and turned my back. But.. I want to get back, believe firmly again.. Plus that and my sexuality are kinda clashing inside my head..

    I haven't cut now for one month, one week, and two days.. But each night it's harder not to. Each night, I get memories. Memories of bullying (emotional, physical and verbal), sexual abuse, death, parents divorce, and even happier memories of better times, that I wish I still had.. Things I miss. The names I've been called go through my head, including "bitch, ugly, fat, useless, worthless, weird, a freak, no good, stupid, depressive presence sucking the happiness out of the room", as well as many others.

    There's so much more that I need to get out, but I don't know how to word it :( all I know now is that each day is a struggle, each day I'm fighting not only my own urges, but other people's too.. I don't know how far away from snapping I am.. I dont know what I want out of this post, other than to let it out and support. And if you read all of it, congratulations, and thankyou.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down lately. I think you will get better, and you should always take some time for yourself. It's great that you like helping others, so do I, but sometimes you need to take some much needed time for yourself. I'm sorry that people have been so cruel to you, they have been to me too, and it's not easy to overcome. But they are that way to you to make themselves look better. Please don't let their negative opinions affect the way you think and feel about yourself. The friends that said bad things about you and abandoned you are not real friends at all. That's good that you have friends online, I've found that people from this site have been a great support. Sorry that you feel the urge to cut, and I'm happy that you haven't in a while. I hope that things will get better soon. :hug:
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You have a lot on your mind. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. :hug:

    Congratulations on staying away from the cutting - that's a hard habit to break, so I wish you good luck in staying on track.

    You are afraid of asking for support and being judged/rejected because you were judged/rejected by some people in real life. However, I think people here will accept you for you - so if you need to vent, I hope you will. (You've been brave to tell us how you're doing today.) And remember that we cannot just give to others without sometimes getting a "refill" ourselves. Please keep asking for support when and as you need it.

    It would be upsetting to be in pain and have the doctor be unwilling to help. Perhaps s/he knows that only time will help heal the injuries you have. :dunno: And if that's the case, s/he doesn't want to put you through all the physical and emotional hassles of unnecessary tests. I'd talk to him/her about it and ask why if you're not satisfied with the treatment you've received.

    Being put down with names and insults is hard. The names and insults don't describe the person inside of us - that's why the insults and bullying hurts. What do you know about you that you can say to make yourself feel better? What accomplishments or character traits do you have that you are proud of. When the memories of the insults hit you, try to fight back with the good things you know about yourself.

    I know it's not easy to "fight" the things that get us down. Do you have a therapist? It's good sometimes to have a face-to-face person who can help us through the maze of our memories, feelings and thoughts. For now, just remember you have friends here and can always drop by for some support.
  4. Lost_Dashite

    Lost_Dashite Senior Member

    Thanks Witty_Sarcasm and Acy :hug:

    The thing with my injuries though, is theyve been persistent for about a year and a half now, and only seem to be getting worse. More pain, more often. All he's done is give me meds, which I was allergic to. I've been to physio in the past, and it did nothing.

    There isn't many good things I can think of about myself, they keep getting shot down.

    And.. I used to have a therapist. I told her I was suicidal. She didn't seem to care. Two sessions later, I was discharged from the mental health program. Apparently I'm all better. I don't see the point when I ask for help, and the people who are supposed to help just don't care.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I wish I didn't have to say this, but it's so often the case - sometimes we need to be a squeaky wheel with our docs and therapists to make sure they listen/hear. And sometimes with therapists, we need to get a better "fit" with how we communicate. People aren't always a "match" - can you try someone else, hun?

    Hmmm. The pain you're having...the experts do say that depression makes us more sensitive to pain so we notice it more. Perhaps that's part of what's happening to you. If you were allergic to the meds the doc gave you, did you go back and see if there was another one that you could try? Again, the squeaky wheel, going back and getting his/her attention so you get some help might be in order. I'm sorry it's so hard for you. :(

    Don't let anyone shoot your good points down, sweetie. They're yours to love and enjoy. I see a vivacious person who is bravely baring her soul, who helps others, who wants people to care the way she herself cares. So you DO have good things about yourself. :) Stay safe, 'K?
  6. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Glad your able to post again. Its good to get things out instead of having it mostly bottled in. Let it all come to you in pieces so you can write it out better. Its hard to put everything out in one post. I understand the urges, the crying, and the anxiety your going through. I became a canvas for those who painted on me nothing but negativity. Their opinions became my reality, and has stuck with me for years. People who judge use it to prop themselves up because they have nothing substanitive in their own lives. Tearing someone else down to build themselves up. You should keep focusing on yourself and your improvement, and always put you first right now. You have been incredibly strong from resisting cutting and i hope you can continue that.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are not doing well, but you seem so much more authentic and reachable than you were in the past, and that does speak volumes for the work you have done, and the degree to which you have become more compassionate and comfortable with can be very proud of that...please continue to share with us and know you are cared for here
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    If your therapist didn't listen to you or discharged you when you weren't better, then it might be a good idea to find another therapist that will help and listen. Don't let anyone cut you down, everyone has good points and sometimes it's hard to remember that when everyone tells us the bad, but you don't need to believe them.
  9. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm glad your still fighting and I hope you continue to.. Your a good friend to me and I care about you. :hug: I'm sorry you are dealing with so much and I know you know, I'm always here (as much as I can be) to provide a listening ear too..

    I wish the doctors would listen to you and give you the support you need..

    I don't know what else to say right now, just know I care.
  10. Hewwy

    Hewwy Banned Member

    Hey there, i'd like to echo some of the sentiments already posted, especially about the bullying. Just like life, people can be harsh, unfair and unforgiving. Often people, especially less mature people, will bully to hide what they are feeling(depression, low self esteem, nerves), sometimes its power play in social webs, attempting to assert a hierarchy where they are dominant just like in the world of big business sometimes you shoot the competition down to strengthen your own position. Sometimes bullies will just take delight in hurting other people, as such they are literally psychopathic.

    People will bully for many reasons, the best option, i feel, is to understand that these types of people exist and will always exist, and as such just accept that you may encounter them, leave them be and pay them no heed, for their verbal abuse is nothing to do with you, even though it may seem like its personal, its not, some of the nicest, most beautiful people get bullied, I have seen this from experience (not me personally but a very dear friend).

    Life can be harsh, yes, but there's beauty in it if you look, there's strength in you, even though you may not see it sometimes others clearly do as the above posts suggest. Perhaps you may want to see yourself as a diamond in the rough or a beautiful island in a turbulent sea.

    I know too what it feels like to put others ahead of yourself, tbh I have no advice for this, I do exactly the same *shrugs* i guess that's just how some of us are made, I don't know.

    I really hope I have been some help, If you need an ear, I have two, and would happily lend them to you >8¬) and any support you need.

    Take care of yourself,

  11. Lost_Dashite

    Lost_Dashite Senior Member

    Thanks all that replied :hug:

    Acy: I'm going back to my doctor on Tuesday. As I'm 17 and living at home, I have to go through my mum, who doesn't believe my mental health is a problem, and doesn't want me on meds, so it can be quite hard to get there at times. However, I will be speaking to my doc about my shoulders, which are quite bad. As for the therapist, I have to get back on the program, which took months last time (december to July).. And my therapist was easy to talk to.. But I have no idea what's happening, as she was supposed to call to discuss treatment options, and then I got a letter dating I'd been discharged.

    Multiple Man: its not that I wasn't able to post, I just sorta kept making excuses.. And I probably will post a little more, and perhaps in slightly more focussed posts than this. I guess this post was just when that bottle I'd been cramming everything into broke, and everything spilled out. I also don't think I have any kind of anxiety, I never really have.

    Sadeyes: thankyou. I think I've just accepted the fact that I can't do this by myself, and that I do in fact need some help and support.

    Swift: thankyou :hug: you're a really good friend of mine too, and thankyou for listening to me the other night. I'm incredibly grateful.

    Hewwy: thankyou for the offer.

    All the insults people have thrown at me over the years, that is how I have come to perceive myself..
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2012
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