Suicidal Newbie

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fckdupmind, Sep 21, 2007.

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  1. fckdupmind

    fckdupmind Member

    Hi, I'm new to the forum. :biggrin:

    I'll first start by saying "Hello!" I suppose I should have really done this in the introduction thread - Oh well....Hope you don't mind :wink:

    My name is Lucy. I'm 23 from London. I have a 3 year old child, two dogs & a cat to keep my mind occupied :smile:

    I have just started college to study nursing....My aim is to become a paramedic.

    During the day I am a happy, bubbly outgoing person who makes friends very easily. Then night time comes....I'm able to take off my mask & be me - A depressed woman who can think of nothing else but self-harm & suicide :sad:

    As a teenager I had an eating disorder, used to self harm & spent my years from 18-19 in psychiatric units & hospitals. I attempted suicide on several occasions, towards the end of my stay in hospital I hung myself. It was only due to a Dr being on the ward at the time that I am here today. He gave me CPR and brought me back....I'm not sure how I felt....Grateful or not :huh:

    Now I do as if I wasn't here I wouldn't have my beautiful son.
    It's like I'm two different people....I don't know who to tell or talk to about my suicidal feelings :eek:hmy: :sad:

    Deep down I know I would NEVER leave my son....But I also said I would NEVER hurt myself again, and after 4 years of not cutting I let myself down and cut about a month ago :sad:
  2. tinuviel

    tinuviel Well-Known Member

    Hi hun!
    First of all welcome to the forum. I hope you find all the help you need here.
    There are people here with similar stories that may help by giving you advices. Don' be hard on yourself, I think that is the first step to finding out what you realy want, need...just take it one day at a time....
  3. Christianv2

    Christianv2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, You should seek a therapist or a close friend to talk to about this, maybe you can find out why you feel the way you do, or maybe even opening up more on here will help you feel better, Your child sounds like a big part of your life, maybe focusing more on the child and others, like helping others, youll feel better about yourself. Well, whatever it is, I hope you seek help one way or the other and feel better soon.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the site hun :biggrin:
  5. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    welcome to sf hun
  7. fckdupmind

    fckdupmind Member

    Aww thanks for the warm welcome :smile:

    Yes, I do find that by helping others it takes my mind off of my issues....But then I feel a little hypercritical giving them advice but not being able to take my own advice :dry:

    Oh well! I hope to get to know you all better & see how things go :tongue:

  8. chewie93

    chewie93 Member

    Hi and welcome. I relate very well to what you're saying. There are a couple of times in the last few years that my kids are what kept me here. It has to be scary that you cut again after so long. But keep in mind that being willing to hurt yourself is a world different from being willing to hurt your son.

    There are a lot of people here to talk to, myself included. I'd recommend seeing a therapist, too, if your previous experiences haven't soured you to them.
  9. fckdupmind

    fckdupmind Member

    Yeah I have acknowledged there is a problem and that's why I'm here. I was in the US 5 weeks ago & had a sexual fling with my female, married, best friend & her husband. It all got too messy & I was left heartbroken. I found out that I was just used by her & her husband and it left me feeling really hurt - that's why I cut. I have had urges over the last 4years but have always managed to overcome them. This time they were just way to strong. But I never harmed my arms which in the past I did....It was a planned hidden place that no one would see & after I took care of it so well, wishing it would heal asap. So I guess that's a good thing & a major difference in my attitude. In the past I wouldn't care.

    And about my Son...OMG I would NEVER hurt him.....Which is why although I do have suicidal thoughts....I would Never actually act upon them.
    I'm a Mother now & if my Son killed himself it would kill me. I couldn't do that to my Mother & family.

    It's just the thoughts....I'm clueless as to why I feel like this :dry: It just doesn't make sense :huh:
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