Hello, I'm not really sure why I'm here on this forum today. I guess because the idea of killing myself has been in my mind for the past several months but most strong in the past several weeks. I lost my job of 23 years back in Feb and my parents (I'm 49 by the way) came to my rescue briefly with financial support while I looked for another job in the same field. I couldn't find a position, my parents finally stepped in and called somebody they know that is in the automotive dealership industry which helped to get me a job doing what I do but unfortunately was let go after only 2 weeks citing that they have an audit coming up and need somebody that knows that manufacturers line of cars and thought that my previous 23 years with a different automotive line would translate over well to their line but ultimately it didn't. So they paid me for a month of my own time studying and for the 2 weeks that I worked for them and I packed up my stuff and went home. I continued sending out letters (I've now sent out at least one letter including my resume and a business proposal to every dealership in the United States for the manufacturer that I worked for 23 years. Only got a couple calls, but nobody wanted to pull the trigger and hire me in. Anyway, I mention this as surely it must be contributing to my suicidal thoughts. That and my financial means are almost at an end. On top of that my partner of 15 years and I are supposed to be moving this weekend to a new city (we've lived there in the past) from where we've been living for the past 10 years. so everything is in turmoil in my life. Had to borrow more money from the folks (both of our folks) to pay for the move in costs etc which makes me feel lousy. Anyway, let me get to the point. I go to bed every night and even though I'm not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, I do pray to God that I will not wake up in the morning, and that my heart will simply stop while I'm sleeping. And every morning I wake up and within an hour or so I remember my prayer to God asking that I die in the night and wonder why I'm still here in the morning. I often think of ways that I might commit suicide like <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> (usually I just barrel through the nights awake at my computer doing one thing or another until days of no sleep finally take their toll and I find myself on the floor when I was just standing up at the kitchen counter and realize that I can't go on like this and finally go lay down somewhere). <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> All of which frighten me as I'm a total coward when it comes to pain. I think there has been one thing that has kept me from committing the deed, although honestly I don't know if I'd ever go through with it or not, which is our dogs. You see right now my partner is away working, and I am alone here with our two beautiful dogs and I think to myself that if I were to kill myself, our dogs would suffer and that would be my fault, they might go without food or run out of water etc and not be able to get outside to potty etc. I know it's strange, it must be strange to worry about such things such as this. But I think that one thing keeps me here. But as I say, I often think of it lately but have never attempted it and with the dogs being dependent on me it makes me feel terrible to think that I might leave them hungry for days on end until my partner finally gets concerned that I've not returned his calls and finds some way to come home. When my first dog died 4 years ago, I thought it was over for me. I felt so lonely even though we had another dog. I went through what I consider to be a dark period all day, every day for close to 3 months missing our dog so so much. He truly was like a child to us and was my "shadow", I couldn't move a foot in the house without him trailing me. Go to the bathroom and there he was laying in front of the shower, sit on the sofa, and there he was at my feet, lay in bed and there he was laying right next to the bed. He was my little boy really, and rarely left my side. Somehow I made it through 3 months of seeming hell to me and didn't harm myself. This got me thinking that I'm not truly suicidal at all but just depressed a little. Everybody gets depressed I would imagine, after all I had just lost my "little boy" so there was reason to be depressed. This time I've lost my job and I don't see any chance for a new job in the near future as I live with pain (physical pain) in my body and for me to take a job where I have to stand up for 6 to 8 hours a day would be unbelievably painful to me, and of course sitting down at a job for 8 hours a day would also be painful as my feet swell up so badly. Have you ever seen a gorilla's feet at the zoo? You see how large they are, well, that's what my feet look like when they swell. We're not talking a little kankles here, we're talking full blown swelling to a massive proportion and all the doctors I've been to can't find anything to cause it. My heart checks out as do all my internal organs. Anyway, now we're going to be moving. I look around me sitting here alone (other than my two dogs laying in the same room with me) and see 10 years of our lives sitting all around me. Trying to pack up 10 years of our lives while my partner is in the new city working right now is painful to me. Everything has a memory attached to it. I nearly lost it completely when I had to move my dead dogs urn to a packing box, I mean lost it as in, had floods of tears welling up inside me. I don 't know if I'm truly suicidal or a normal person with depression. I mean it seems I have plenty of reasons right now to be depressed so that seems normal, but I have to wonder if truly sane people when they're thoroughly depressed think of asking God to take their life while they sleep. We went out to dinner with my folks the other night, and we were talking about my brother who suffered a major stroke and now his left side is completely paralyzed from the stroke. I was seeing him every day when he was in the hospital near to where I live, but now they've moved him to a rehab that is about an hour and half from where I currently live so I've only been able to afford to go see him on the weekends, but he wants to live so much, he signed something at the hospital before they put him into a drug induced coma for a week that states he wants them to do everything possible to keep him alive. Complete opposite from my thinking as I would have asked for a DNR card (do not resuscitate card) and so there he is, paralyzed over half his body and wanting to live so much and I have thoughts of wanting to finally call an end to life. Sometimes I just don't see the reason to go on living and yet I've never tried to kill myself although the thought has been there for many many years now, just something I've never actually taken to conclusion. This makes me think that maybe I'm normal. And yet praying to God when I'm not even religious to let me die in my sleep doesn't seem normal at all to me. I'm starting to believe that perhaps I'm a "functioning suicidal" person. You've all heard of people that are functioning alcoholics, they go to work every day, they come home at night and drink down a bottle of gin or whatever their poison is and continue on day to day. I'm wondering maybe I'm just a functioning suicidal and these thoughts will always be in my head no matter what or maybe it's just all the stress of losing my job, parents getting tired of financially helping me (they stopped about 2 months ago so I'm pretty much on my own and down to the last 500.00) and now the big move to someplace new. I don't know. Maybe I'm not really suicidal since I've never taken the thought to it's final conclusion and just experiencing normal depression. I'm confused. I fear trying to seek out mental health professionals (even if I could afford them) as that would be like blurting out to my parents, blurting out to my partner that I'm sick and am not man enough to deal with it. Even if I did seek out mental health professionals, I fear them. I'd rather be dead than locked up in a mental facility where I might never see the light of day or even worse, in a prison someplace. Since my dogs keep me here, and seemingly keep me from offing myself, it feels like maybe my depression must not be so bad, I mean if two dogs can keep a person from committing suicide then how bad can the depression really be? Well, at times it seems insurmountable, seems so dark, life seems so unwelcoming, makes me feel so lost in a darkness sometimes. I never wish to hurt anybody else, and yet on the drive to drop off my partner this past weekend, I had actually thought about what would happen if I were to drive the car off the highway, and then realized that I'd be hurting somebody else that is full of life and has no desire to die any time soon, I shook my head in disbelief that I'd even had the thought come into my head and shook off the feeling as best as I could. But hey, I did drive the 150 miles home without the thought of driving our car off the highway at all so that must be a positive thing, or I'm just insane, I'm not really sure which. I'm confused. Truly suicidal or just normal depression that everybody goes through?