I don't think I can ever recover. The MH professionals don't even know what is wrong, much less know how to treat it - much less care how to treat it. Everyone has given up hope on any kind of recovery, and that scares me because now I have too. If I ask for help, it's a sign of a personality disorder and I am told to tolerate suicidal feelings and stop being irrational, and that I must help myself. If I don't ask for help, I am told that I am unco-operative with MH people, that I am deliberately isolating myself and that if I don't ask for help then I can't be helped. If I get in a situation where 'help' is imposed on me (for example, the police caught me trying to jump off a cliff last night) then I just lie to them and tell them I am fine, because I can fake my way through any mental health act assessment and don't find being in hospital helpful at all. I hate lying. I hate pretending to be fine. I am not okay, I am not going to tolerate feeling suicidal any more. I don't want to be here any more. I will be jumping soon, preferably before the police catch me again. Because let's face it - the psychiatrists and psychologists and social workers don't have the time or money or willingness to help, and I can't get better on my own. Borderline personality disorder. Major depressive disorder < treatment resistant depression. Post traumatic stress. Anxiety. Bipolar II. The diagnoses are flying all over the place but it means nothing when nothing has happened to sort out the suicidal feelings that I have had for all this time. Maybe I'm just flat out fucked - which seems likely because other people seem to be able to get over mood disorders. I am one of the people who cannot. I want to live but don't know how. Logically, I have decided to die. Emotionally, not so much - but when I get distressed, it is very clear to me what I should do. So, yeah, I am in crisis. With nowhere to turn but the cliff edges.