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suicidal rant - no one can save me now.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by loopey, Jul 30, 2010.

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  1. loopey

    loopey Member

    I don't think I can ever recover. The MH professionals don't even know what is wrong, much less know how to treat it - much less care how to treat it. Everyone has given up hope on any kind of recovery, and that scares me because now I have too.

    If I ask for help, it's a sign of a personality disorder and I am told to tolerate suicidal feelings and stop being irrational, and that I must help myself. If I don't ask for help, I am told that I am unco-operative with MH people, that I am deliberately isolating myself and that if I don't ask for help then I can't be helped.
    If I get in a situation where 'help' is imposed on me (for example, the police caught me trying to jump off a cliff last night) then I just lie to them and tell them I am fine, because I can fake my way through any mental health act assessment and don't find being in hospital helpful at all.

    I hate lying. I hate pretending to be fine. I am not okay, I am not going to tolerate feeling suicidal any more. I don't want to be here any more. I will be jumping soon, preferably before the police catch me again. Because let's face it - the psychiatrists and psychologists and social workers don't have the time or money or willingness to help, and I can't get better on my own.

    Borderline personality disorder. Major depressive disorder < treatment resistant depression. Post traumatic stress. Anxiety. Bipolar II. The diagnoses are flying all over the place but it means nothing when nothing has happened to sort out the suicidal feelings that I have had for all this time. Maybe I'm just flat out fucked - which seems likely because other people seem to be able to get over mood disorders. I am one of the people who cannot.

    I want to live but don't know how. Logically, I have decided to die. Emotionally, not so much - but when I get distressed, it is very clear to me what I should do.

    So, yeah, I am in crisis. With nowhere to turn but the cliff edges.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Its great you want to live. You said you have no where to turn but the cliff edge. You have turned to us too, and maybe we can help you and also maybe point you in the direction of someone who can help.

    Has anything happened to make tonight harder for you?

    There are ways and means to get better without those 'professionals' but even with those professionals, it may only take meeting one decent person to find someone who can help you and can help you make sense of your world and what is going on for you.
  3. loopey

    loopey Member

    Thankyou for your kind words.

    How do I get better? I can't/haven't found anyone that can help - a few who were promising but then gave up on me because of the suicidality.

    The tonight is worse because every day is getting worse. Had an encounter with the police yesterday and lied to them, losing all the friends I have in this city - everyone else has graduated. The suicidal thoughts are getting more severe and more often, to the point where I can reel off useless information about the way I am going to die.

    I just can't see any way out of this. Every day there is suffering and emotional & physical pain. It just hurts. Life hurts. Really want to start screaming 'I can't do this!' I wish that someone in real life could understand, I wish that someone could help. Not sure that they can though.

    I've never felt so desperate, so hopeless and so alone. It's not something I can handle.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Can I ask what country you are in?

    It sounds like you are absolutely desperate to be heard and for someone to reach out and make that positive difference to you. Those people are out there, sometimes we just have to search for them.

    I don't think its a case of looking at getting better because that probably feels unreachable right now. Maybe its worth looking at a more reachable goal, like making a small step to ease what you feel, or doing something that makes tomorrow feel less bad than today.
  5. loopey

    loopey Member


    I really really hope you're right.
    Can't think of anything that would make tomorrow more bearable than today. Really, I'm in trouble.

  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Could you go to A&E? Call the Samaritans?

    If you are over 18 have you tried getting support from MIND? If you are under 16 have you tried Childline? If you are under 25 have you tried Connexions?

    Do you have any favourite films or anything you (used to?) enjoy doing?
  7. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, loopey!:hugtackles: You have come this far sweetheart, you can go another day. Considering how much you have been through. Don't you think you deserve an award? You have great things to do with your life, with all your life experiences, you can teach, aid and comfort others. Don't think that all you have suffered is in vain. Lots of people need your light. Every one has a purpose on earth you know, and our suffering prepares usd for our mission. You can be a kind caring person that others turn to in their time of distress.
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