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suicidal scale/what is making you suicidal/what can help

A solid 3. It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up today... last week I ran out of seizure meds and was without them for a couple of days and ended up having a couple of really small convulsions that only lasted about 10 seconds, like hardcore deja vu/auras..After two operations and years of taking these meds, all I’ve wanted to do is be off of them. I know the only way to come off the meds is to slowly reduce the dosage so when I went from almost 3000mg to 0 just like that, it obviously didn’t go well...

After that happened, all I could think about was not taking my meds and somehow ending it all with seizures and putting myself somewhere where that could happen, but I would most likely just end up in the hospital and be taking twice as many medications as before and being on them for much longer.

I should talk to someone but my head is so far up in the clouds right now that if I was sitting in front of someone, I would have no idea what to say. The last therapist I saw wasn’t for me and when I last saw a neuro psych, I didn’t really feel cared for, it felt more like a test more than someone tending to my needs... and that was the one time I actually opened up to someone, which was about this time last year.

It goes in waves... one day I’ll be even keeled, not really thinking about much and a little down...the next day, feeling pretty shitty and by the end of the day wanting to hurt myself, or like today just flat out crappy and thoughts of ending it are constant. My mind is just one big cluster f**k.
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
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SF Supporter
A solid 3. It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up today... last week I ran out of seizure meds and was without them for a couple of days and ended up having a couple of really small convulsions that only lasted about 10 seconds, like hardcore deja vu/auras..After two operations and years of taking these meds, all I’ve wanted to do is be off of them. I know the only way to come off the meds is to slowly reduce the dosage so when I went from almost 3000mg to 0 just like that, it obviously didn’t go well...

After that happened, all I could think about was not taking my meds and somehow ending it all with seizures and putting myself somewhere where that could happen, but I would most likely just end up in the hospital and be taking twice as many medications as before and being on them for much longer.

I should talk to someone but my head is so far up in the clouds right now that if I was sitting in front of someone, I would have no idea what to say. The last therapist I saw wasn’t for me and when I last saw a neuro psych, I didn’t really feel cared for, it felt more like a test more than someone tending to my needs... and that was the one time I actually opened up to someone, which was about this time last year.

It goes in waves... one day I’ll be even keeled, not really thinking about much and a little down...the next day, feeling pretty shitty and by the end of the day wanting to hurt myself, or like today just flat out crappy and thoughts of ending it are constant. My mind is just one big cluster f**k.
*hug*console
 
3.5 Fed up and and tired of failing in life. Can't find comfort or peace with anything I do suicide seems like the only way out of this. Tired of feeling this way, I need support, thoughts, or prayers. I don't have much to give but what I have left I am praying for all of you who are suffering.
 

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