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suicidal scale/what is making you suicidal/what can help

Koji

Well-Known Member
#41
being 45 and never having a romantic partner is making me suicidal, and i have no idea what would help (besides death)
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#42
being 45 and never having a romantic partner is making me suicidal, and i have no idea what would help (besides death)
I don't think that death will help you find a romantic partner. what may help is talking to a therapist about what's holding you back. maybe with a little help you'll be able to find that special someone...mike...*console*hug
 
#48
I’m a 2. I feel like such a failure. I used to be on top of the world. Pushing to make things happen, shining in work and social situations. Now I can barely function to get through the day. My life is a mess, that I’ve created, full of poor choices, addictions, financial mishaps. It’s like I can look back and see everything spiraling out of order, but I can’t figure out the first step to put anything back in place. I have a four year old daughter and she’s likely the only reason I’m still plugging along. Because I feel like I can’t leave her with her father or my family. Despite all of the disaster I’ve created for us.
 
#49
I don't think that death will help you find a romantic partner. what may help is talking to a therapist about what's holding you back. maybe with a little help you'll be able to find that special someone...mike...*console*hug
being 45 and never having a romantic partner is making me suicidal, and i have no idea what would help (besides death)
being 45 and never having a romantic partner is making me suicidal, and i have no idea what would help (besides death)
being 45 and never having a romantic partner is making me suicidal, and i have no idea what would help (besides death)
Koji, there’s someone out there thinking the same exact thing as you. That they haven’t found a special someone. There are also people who feel like they’ve plowed through people and relationships like a tornado, demolishing everything they touch. That’s me. Don’t be hard on yourself because you haven’t found someone to love. Be proud that you’ve saved your heart for someone that is going to come along and cherish it. It just hasn’t happened yet- it will! ❤️
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#50
welcome to SF @Txandi we are a community of peer support that care but never judges. the people here are supportive and compassionate. i'm sorry things are so bad right now but you are young enough to turn things around. you mentioned addictions can you share more on this? and have you started to work on these issues? don't try to fix everything at once figure out what you need to do to get back on track and work on it a little at a time. please keep talking we are listening and we do care....mike...*console*hug*hi5
 
#51
welcome to SF @Txandi we are a community of peer support that care but never judges. the people here are supportive and compassionate. i'm sorry things are so bad right now but you are young enough to turn things around. you mentioned addictions can you share more on this? and have you started to work on these issues? don't try to fix everything at once figure out what you need to do to get back on track and work on it a little at a time. please keep talking we are listening and we do care....mike...*console*hug*hi5
This place feels like the answer to a lot of unanswered prayers and desperate nights. I’ve always had a fondness for alcohol but have always been able to make it seem part of my ‘fun Andi’ demeanor. Over the past 2 years, and since the birth of my now 4 year old daughter, I’ve had incredible stress and guilt over a separation from her father, money issues and daily struggles I can’t seem to correct to make myself successful again. I went from a top of the food chain management professional do it all mom, to a struggling loner with bills, can’t sleep, can’t eat, struggling with socializing, no personal life, underperforming at work, overspending and never having a penny to my name, sad individualize. It kills me because this is not the way I’ve ever seen myself. I’ve always had some inner struggles with self esteem and over indulgence but never to the point I’m at now. My mom passed down the ‘fun’ gene, you know- always look the part, smile the brightest, drink, be the life of the party. Those genetics coupled with childhood abuse at the hands of a cousin, led to a slippery slope of fun and poor decisions. I was always able to stand out in the crowd, be at the top of my class, lead and win professional awards in my career. But there’s always been an underlying tone of insecurity and the feeling that no one protected me or cared greatly about my achievements. Fast forward to putting myself second, or sometimes last, in my most recent relationships. It’s been easier to take a magic (prescribed 😐) pill or two, have a glass of wine, and tell myself it’ll get better tomorrow . I’m realizing it only actually gets better when you work on things. It seems like I’ve dug such a deep hole, now I can’t find a foot hold to get out of this place I’m in. Sorry- that was probably a lot, and very confusing, it’s been a tough day.
 

Koji

Well-Known Member
#52
Koji, there’s someone out there thinking the same exact thing as you. That they haven’t found a special someone. There are also people who feel like they’ve plowed through people and relationships like a tornado, demolishing everything they touch. That’s me. Don’t be hard on yourself because you haven’t found someone to love. Be proud that you’ve saved your heart for someone that is going to come along and cherish it. It just hasn’t happened yet- it will! ❤️
i wish i could talk about it more
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#53
@Txandi don't worry about it being a lot that is exactly why we are here. you should probably write down all the issues you want to get better and try to find short and long term solutions for them. if you're underperforming at work try to resolve those issues. if your prescribed meds are necessary you should take them if not talk to your doctor to see if you still need them. and only consume alcohol rarely. if you were on the top before you can be again, but it will take time and effort. and you should obviously put your child first. but when it comes to your partner it's healthy to put your partner ahead of yourself if he treats you the same but if he doesn't then put yourself first. things can get better. we will be here for you anytime you want to talk...mike..*console*hug*shake
 

extraterrestrialone

can’t toast bread without burning it
SF Supporter
#55
this is a simple scale. this way you can measure how suicidal you are. also if you can tell us why you feel suicidal or have low or no suicidal ideation. yes positive is as welcome as negative. also tell us how we can help you. it's only a 0-5 scale so feel free to add a decimal. like if you're between 1 and 2 it can be 1.5 so hopefully this will be a little more clear exactly how suicidal you are.

0 - no suicidal ideation at all

1. mild suicidal ideation , more like a passing thought you can easily distract yourself.

2. average suicidal ideation. it's harder to distract yourself from these thoughts but with effort it can be done. not serious and you're still ok

3. somewhat serious ideation. you can't completely distract yourself from those thoughts but you're still safe.

4. this is getting serious. you are having thoughts that won't go away. you are dwelling on them suicide seems like the best alternative. don't be alone, have someone stay with you or call the crises line.

5. suicide is imminent unless you get help. leave this site now you are beyond what peer support can give. call the crises line or go to the hospital. you need irl intervention. it is rare to be at a 5 and survive so if you hit that rare moment get irl help immediately

i hope this simple scale helps people convey thier suicidal thoughts better....mike
Hey Mike, I have to talk about myself as if I'm somebody else. It's almost like there is hijacker, me and then another me that tries to explain what is going on. Maybe my therapist and others are right with the schizo-affective diagnosis. Because I have bad thoughts and I don't really have the control that you mention in the levels mentioned. I would have to say I'm easily always a 3.5. So there is a constant battle inside. hijacker does what it can to hurt me even if just with just words. It doesn't really care if I would try to commit suicide or not but doing that would be such defeat I can't and won't. but the thoughts are definitely there. Look! It's just after midnight. My insurance just expired. What would it cost me to go to ER? It would ruin me now that I'm unemployed. Yet I will always fight these bad thoughts. Especially now that I really can't seek professional help. Don't worry Mike. I'm on my med and with a stockpile to hopefully last until I've gotten Medicare or Medicaid. But what I need most and best of all is to have real people (here) to communicate with regularly. People who will listen to me and people I can try to help. This is the best thing I can do to battle hijacker. Regardless of what I believe and what hijacker tells me, about where I'm headed. I will be victorious by fighting it til the end. It is a tough fight and I often feel like I'm failing except that I'm alive and I keep going.
 
#56
Hey Mike, I have to talk about myself as if I'm somebody else. It's almost like there is hijacker, me and then another me that tries to explain what is going on. Maybe my therapist and others are right with the schizo-affective diagnosis. Because I have bad thoughts and I don't really have the control that you mention in the levels mentioned. I would have to say I'm easily always a 3.5. So there is a constant battle inside. hijacker does what it can to hurt me even if just with just words. It doesn't really care if I would try to commit suicide or not but doing that would be such defeat I can't and won't. but the thoughts are definitely there. Look! It's just after midnight. My insurance just expired. What would it cost me to go to ER? It would ruin me now that I'm unemployed. Yet I will always fight these bad thoughts. Especially now that I really can't seek professional help. Don't worry Mike. I'm on my med and with a stockpile to hopefully last until I've gotten Medicare or Medicaid. But what I need most and best of all is to have real people (here) to communicate with regularly. People who will listen to me and people I can try to help. This is the best thing I can do to battle hijacker. Regardless of what I believe and what hijacker tells me, about where I'm headed. I will be victorious by fighting it til the end. It is a tough fight and I often feel like I'm failing except that I'm alive and I keep going.
You sound like a fighter!!! I’m here if you need anything.
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#57
Hey Mike, I have to talk about myself as if I'm somebody else. It's almost like there is hijacker, me and then another me that tries to explain what is going on. Maybe my therapist and others are right with the schizo-affective diagnosis. Because I have bad thoughts and I don't really have the control that you mention in the levels mentioned. I would have to say I'm easily always a 3.5. So there is a constant battle inside. hijacker does what it can to hurt me even if just with just words. It doesn't really care if I would try to commit suicide or not but doing that would be such defeat I can't and won't. but the thoughts are definitely there. Look! It's just after midnight. My insurance just expired. What would it cost me to go to ER? It would ruin me now that I'm unemployed. Yet I will always fight these bad thoughts. Especially now that I really can't seek professional help. Don't worry Mike. I'm on my med and with a stockpile to hopefully last until I've gotten Medicare or Medicaid. But what I need most and best of all is to have real people (here) to communicate with regularly. People who will listen to me and people I can try to help. This is the best thing I can do to battle hijacker. Regardless of what I believe and what hijacker tells me, about where I'm headed. I will be victorious by fighting it til the end. It is a tough fight and I often feel like I'm failing except that I'm alive and I keep going.
I do understand the need to get help and give it here when possible. I sometimes fall and need the good people in SF to pick me up so I can fight again. and it does help me when I can help someone here. and I know you've been fighting hijacker for a long time. have you won the war? obviously not. but you are winning more and more battles. please try to get some health insurance as soon as possible. and some hospitals lower or cancel bills if you can't pay so if you have to go check on that . and some meds you can get free or cheap if you qualify. as always you are more than welcome to talk to me in the forum or message me my inbox is always open...mike...*console*hug*shake
 

extraterrestrialone

can’t toast bread without burning it
SF Supporter
#58
I’m a 2. I feel like such a failure. I used to be on top of the world. Pushing to make things happen, shining in work and social situations. Now I can barely function to get through the day. My life is a mess, that I’ve created, full of poor choices, addictions, financial mishaps. It’s like I can look back and see everything spiraling out of order, but I can’t figure out the first step to put anything back in place. I have a four year old daughter and she’s likely the only reason I’m still plugging along. Because I feel like I can’t leave her with her father or my family. Despite all of the disaster I’ve created for us.
You seem like a fighter too.
 

Trapper

Asking the right questions
#59
This place feels like the answer to a lot of unanswered prayers and desperate nights. I’ve always had a fondness for alcohol but have always been able to make it seem part of my ‘fun Andi’ demeanor. Over the past 2 years, and since the birth of my now 4 year old daughter, I’ve had incredible stress and guilt over a separation from her father, money issues and daily struggles I can’t seem to correct to make myself successful again. I went from a top of the food chain management professional do it all mom, to a struggling loner with bills, can’t sleep, can’t eat, struggling with socializing, no personal life, underperforming at work, overspending and never having a penny to my name, sad individualize. It kills me because this is not the way I’ve ever seen myself. I’ve always had some inner struggles with self esteem and over indulgence but never to the point I’m at now. My mom passed down the ‘fun’ gene, you know- always look the part, smile the brightest, drink, be the life of the party. Those genetics coupled with childhood abuse at the hands of a cousin, led to a slippery slope of fun and poor decisions. I was always able to stand out in the crowd, be at the top of my class, lead and win professional awards in my career. But there’s always been an underlying tone of insecurity and the feeling that no one protected me or cared greatly about my achievements. Fast forward to putting myself second, or sometimes last, in my most recent relationships. It’s been easier to take a magic (prescribed 😐) pill or two, have a glass of wine, and tell myself it’ll get better tomorrow . I’m realizing it only actually gets better when you work on things. It seems like I’ve dug such a deep hole, now I can’t find a foot hold to get out of this place I’m in. Sorry- that was probably a lot, and very confusing, it’s been a tough day.
I think one first step is to stop using an analogy of a deep hole without foot holds as a way to conceptualize and work on your situation. I am assuming that you are a Texan, and that the local culture draws heavily on analogies when people talk to each other to speed up communication. Sometimes these analogies are not helpful, as they can depict things inaccurately.

You are really dealing with several seperate smaller issues simultaneously.

The biggest one is you changed four years ago. Pregnancy rewires the brain for parenthood, it's what was happening when you experienced a roller coaster of emotion in the three trimesters prior to your daughter's birth.

The largest change is a reorientation from a self-centric viewpoint to that of a community-centric one (which can be family). You are not the same person you were prior to the pregnancy. When this rewiring doesn't complete properly, it can cause things like depression, bipolarisim, or even border line personality disorders. If you are taking medication to counter any of these conditions, it is important that you do not drink alcohol. Alcohol changes how these medications work, and the combined sideffects can lead to very unpredictable behaviors.

Your daughters birth has doubled your financial obligations. You will not be able to return to the same financial lifestyle you had before, simply because you would have to make twice as much money as you did at the peak of your prior income. This is where your ex comes in. He has to contribute to the costs of raising your kid. If there is no joint custody agreement currently in place, you need to get legal help to establish one. It costs 300,000 dollars to frugelly raise a kid to the age of 18. Depending on where you live, it can be a whole lot more.

unplayable financial debt easily scares the sh*t out of people. This often leads to sleepless nights, and the cutting back on important resources such as food. These two things will impact your alertness and presence at work.

It's most easiest to worry about things when laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. Treat your bed as a sanctuary. Draw a circle around it, so that while you are inside time STOPS. When you are in this circle, it's okay not to think about the future, because the future isn't happening. Don't believe me? Does anything change in your city between the time you go to sleep at night and the time when you wake up in the morning? Everyone else is asleep in your city, and everything is shut down.

Draw on a food bank if you are having trouble affording groceries (who isn't these days?). I dunno much about this category, but eggs and liver are a good bang for the buck. I often buy discounted roasted chicken an hour before my supermarket closes. And, in the morning is the best time to get discounted meats that are about to expire in a few days.

If you own a house, consider renting out rooms to students as an additional source of income. if you are renting, there are many emergency rent top up programs in Texas to prevent homelessness.

As this reply has started, the futures you envision, expect, and believe in will be the ones you engage with. There are many parallel alternative futures that you cannot see, which simultaneously exist and are just as real and valid as the ones you are experiencing now. The key is to uncover hidden information to find them. And, you may have to hide unhelpful information about those you currently see, like that deep hole with slippery sides.
 

Mike951

SF Supporter
#60
I guess I'd be like a 3.5. And that's consistent for the last few years. Before that I had some times where I'd hit 5 before backing off the ledge. I think the med change has stabilized me since. But the meds, while helping with the crazy mood swings, never get rid of the urge. I'm pretty matter-of-fact about it. I know it's going to happen, I know when, so just waiting for the time. It's still a ways off, got some things I need to happen first. But I don't know, maybe that's just an excuse to extend things, to live longer. I really don't think so, but I'm not sure.
 

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