This place feels like the answer to a lot of unanswered prayers and desperate nights. I’ve always had a fondness for alcohol but have always been able to make it seem part of my ‘fun Andi’ demeanor. Over the past 2 years, and since the birth of my now 4 year old daughter, I’ve had incredible stress and guilt over a separation from her father, money issues and daily struggles I can’t seem to correct to make myself successful again. I went from a top of the food chain management professional do it all mom, to a struggling loner with bills, can’t sleep, can’t eat, struggling with socializing, no personal life, underperforming at work, overspending and never having a penny to my name, sad individualize. It kills me because this is not the way I’ve ever seen myself. I’ve always had some inner struggles with self esteem and over indulgence but never to the point I’m at now. My mom passed down the ‘fun’ gene, you know- always look the part, smile the brightest, drink, be the life of the party. Those genetics coupled with childhood abuse at the hands of a cousin, led to a slippery slope of fun and poor decisions. I was always able to stand out in the crowd, be at the top of my class, lead and win professional awards in my career. But there’s always been an underlying tone of insecurity and the feeling that no one protected me or cared greatly about my achievements. Fast forward to putting myself second, or sometimes last, in my most recent relationships. It’s been easier to take a magic (prescribed 😐) pill or two, have a glass of wine, and tell myself it’ll get better tomorrow . I’m realizing it only actually gets better when you work on things. It seems like I’ve dug such a deep hole, now I can’t find a foot hold to get out of this place I’m in. Sorry- that was probably a lot, and very confusing, it’s been a tough day.
I think one first step is to stop using an analogy of a deep hole without foot holds as a way to conceptualize and work on your situation. I am assuming that you are a Texan, and that the local culture draws heavily on analogies when people talk to each other to speed up communication. Sometimes these analogies are not helpful, as they can depict things inaccurately.
You are really dealing with several
seperate smaller issues simultaneously.
The biggest one is you
changed four years ago. Pregnancy rewires the brain for parenthood, it's what was happening when you experienced a roller coaster of emotion in the three trimesters prior to your daughter's birth.
The largest change is a reorientation from a self-centric viewpoint to that of a community-centric one (which can be family). You are not the same person you were prior to the pregnancy. When this rewiring doesn't complete properly, it can cause things like depression, bipolarisim, or even border line personality disorders. If you are taking medication to counter any of these conditions, it is important that you do not drink alcohol. Alcohol changes how these medications work, and the combined sideffects can lead to very unpredictable behaviors.
Your daughters birth has doubled your financial obligations. You will not be able to return to the same financial lifestyle you had before, simply because you would have to make twice as much money as you did at the peak of your prior income. This is where your ex comes in. He has to contribute to the costs of raising your kid. If there is no joint custody agreement currently in place, you need to get legal help to establish one. It costs 300,000 dollars to frugelly raise a kid to the age of 18. Depending on where you live, it can be a whole lot more.
unplayable financial debt easily scares the sh*t out of people. This often leads to sleepless nights, and the cutting back on important resources such as food. These two things will impact your alertness and presence at work.
It's most easiest to worry about things when laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. Treat your bed as a sanctuary. Draw a circle around it, so that while you are inside time STOPS. When you are in this circle, it's okay not to think about the future, because the future isn't happening. Don't believe me? Does anything change in your city between the time you go to sleep at night and the time when you wake up in the morning? Everyone else is asleep in your city, and everything is shut down.
Draw on a food bank if you are having trouble affording groceries (who isn't these days?). I dunno much about this category, but eggs and liver are a good bang for the buck. I often buy discounted roasted chicken an hour before my supermarket closes. And, in the morning is the best time to get discounted meats that are about to expire in a few days.
If you own a house, consider renting out rooms to students as an additional source of income. if you are renting, there are many emergency rent top up programs in Texas to prevent homelessness.
As this reply has started, the futures you envision, expect, and believe in will be the ones you engage with. There are many parallel alternative futures that you cannot see, which simultaneously exist and are just as real and valid as the ones you are experiencing now. The key is to uncover hidden information to find them. And, you may have to hide unhelpful information about those you currently see, like that deep hole with slippery sides.