Suicidal, Scared, Alone, Lonely and Angry! (TRIGGER)

I suffer severe depression for 35 years almost constantly and no drug has ever worked. If there is anyone ... anyone at all out there who is in the situation, please, please, please ... write here ... contact me here ... I have posted on this forum once before and on other boards and I seem to be the only person who is this sick.

My family avoids me ... undertandably. I am always down ... actually always suicidal and feeling the unbearable pain that I want to end and never ends. One drug after another ... therapy ... and nothing helps. I am negative ... cannot think of one positive thing to say ... not on purpose so I don't call people much. I have mother (very ill who was always supportive (I feel very guilty that she had to put up with my s***. Anyway, she is very ill with heart disease and understandably can no longer put up with me. My dad also ill, heart disease too ... never really understood. Two brothers ... one nicer than the other ... but they cannot take me. My two grown daughters ... well the same thing.

I am at my worst for a long, long time now ... many, many months ... hard to do the simplest things, like bathe ... have to throw myself into the shower every 3rd day ... knkow this is gross. Otherwise lie around in a nightgown .. in bed all day ... I have been better than this ... and I thought that was bad.
Well, this is the pits. Want to die every second ... pain is that bad. Wierd, but at night .. around 7:30 (sometimes earlier) I feel better. Some nights good sleep/others very bad. G**, am I complaininvg and too long a post.

Here it is: I am very angry at my family for not being supportive of me. My kids never call or even email me. (I understand, but still feel hurt) ... how would they feel if it were them? I would hope that I would be there for them if they were like this ... I think I would.

Thanksgiving I opted out. Christmas I am opting ouit. I feel like writing all of them to tell them just how bad I feel ...but what is the point? I don't want to go and it isn't just because I am too depressed ... but I am angry at people who never call me or care ... and then on a holiday or mothers day ... I get a call. I almost never call them not to bother them.

Husband is a class A jerk/abuser .. read my other post re "I can't even get sick! (which was about his behavior when I had a stroke). and you will see what I mean. People say leave. How? Can't get out of bed, hardly function, cant work, agoraphobia, no support system, no place to go to ... so he abuses me ... mostly emotional .. other post ... I will noit admit my S*****
feeling because hospitalization doesn't change anything. Max stay is 10 days/not time for anything ... a new drug to work? what? Just worse than being home and at least not locked up.

Im sorry for bothering everyone.

Okay, so I am estranging my children even. I don't want to see them ...
(or the depression is talking to me) ... I love them ... don't even know that anymore. Thought I was a good mother. Dont knkow that anymomre.

I am embarrassed about mental illness in front of my family and especially my daughters mates. I am 63 years old and can't wait to die. But dying is hard to do .. most people survive .. and some in a vegetative state. If you do it, you better get it right. And, I am sure it is what I want only I have no idea how. I am not asking for a way

Major stressors since August of 2009: was sick with bad cough which led to pulmonary problems/difficulty breathing and was on a breathing machine as I would stop breathing altogether. Husband didn't care.

August of 2010 has a mild stroke. September of 2010 another mild stroke.
They don't know the reasons why. I live in fear of another one. Dying would be fine, but being paralysed iin a wheelchair or worse, is what I fear.

My Mom is very, very ill and I saw and went through alot over the last couple of years ... ambulances to hospitals, stays, near not making it, surgeries, rehab nursing home ... I got through it then (2 years ago), but now ... Im doing nothing for her ... so guilt is on top of it all.

If you can one or collectively find it in your kind hearts to speak to any of these issues with your experience, or any suggestions about my family, how to handle my daughteres (whom I have never been angry at ... now I don't even feel like I would care if my daughter had a child ... I would not want to see it ... and only months? a year ago? I could not wait.

I sound like an awful person.... please help me if you can.

Ann

 

You don't sound like an awful person. You sound like a person who is hurting and trying to reach out for help and support.

I can't offer much in the way of suggestions or advice. But if you ever feel like talking, my PM box is always open. Maybe it will help you some just to have people to talk to who will be supportive, and that's what I'm offering. :hug: Hope you'll stick around and keep posting.

 

Hi ann ..so sorry you're feeling so bad...I can relate to so much of what you're saying about husband and children, illness, depression, etc. ,,and how you feel.
pm if you want to talk to me...
I understand cos we are so similar...:hug:

 

Thank you both for your replies. I am at the point where I am actually in the planning stages/where/how/with what. Im scared. Have never gotten this far. Im thinking of notes I should wirte. Have no idea what to say.

I am terrified. But it's now harder to live than to die. I can't fight anymore.

Im sorry.

Ann

 

Just a thought .. but am I too sick to enter the chat room? Perhaps yes.

Please don't do what Im doing. I am so alone. Be Well.

 

No, you're not too sick to enter the chat room. Have you tried chat yet?

 

No, where is it?

 

If you look near the top of the page and go to where your username is, you'll see that there's a blue line going right across the page beneath it.
It has titles like UserCP, Viaspy and FAQ. Towards the end of the line is 'chat'
When you click on it, it will have a menu with 'enter chat' - click on that and you're in the chat room. You then click on what room you want to go in inside chat.
Hope that helps
xxx

 

Hi:

I don't know your name, but do you want to share how we are similar? I am thinking that I should try and help others if/when I feel better. No, I WILL feel better. It has been better. It is just hard to remember.
Too much stress over the past couple of years with sick mother, abusive husband, my getting ill ... etc ... and my coping mechanisms are down.
At night I feel better, but I don't know why ... most nights after 7pm. Then some nights I sleep but keep waking for two hours than back down. Having alot of nightmares or very upsetting dreams all about what is going on in my life. Some nights I sleep all the way through ... that is much better.

Sorry I am making this all about me again.
Please talk to me here or in PM if you want to, that is.

Ann

 

I will pm you soon with long story and similar to you..
you stay safe and know we are here for you..*HUG*

don't be sorry..... this is about you..it's your thread and you can say all you like here on SF and you're safe ..