Suicidal still

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by sweetsweet, Apr 18, 2008.

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  1. sweetsweet

    sweetsweet Well-Known Member

    First timer here.

    Anyways, I tried to kill myself early last year. I drank something that really shouldn't be drank. It put me in the hospital for awhile. After that I started taking meds and seeing different doctors. However, I still don't think I have found someone I can completely open up to. I am afraid to tell any therapist that I do still want to kill myself.

    Lately I've just become more bitter and cynical towards the world. It all just seems so pointless to me. So I've started getting some pills and am planning on getting more. The first batch came this week and they really weren't as strong as I hoped. Today I decided to go all out and took a bunch of the pills and started drinking. I got at least 8 beers down when I started having this really weird feeling. It felt like I was in danger of my breathing ending at any moment. Yet, it was a feeling I enjoyed. But those pills sucked. I eventually went to sleep and woke up. After about two hours of sleep. And when I woke up I felt better than I usually do after I've been drinking. I ended up vomiting but the whole experience seemed like a good one to me. That's going to be my thing now. Taking random drugs and mixing them with alcohol. All in hope of going to sleep and not waking back up.

    I really don't even know why I'm still here. That first attempt really should have ended it for me. But not only did I survive, I actually healed better and faster than doctors expected. It's bullshit. But I think this legal meds thing is the way to go.
  2. Kieran

    Kieran Member

    i'll tell you from past experiance.... DONT DO THE PILLS METHOD.... i did it an my kidneys are fucked to the point that they make life worse.

    i agree with your point about the modern world being pointless (i think i were born 3000 years late). whats the point in grafting your arse off for some twat to take most of your wage from you in tax?

    but the main thing is you came here and people WILL help you. the fact you came here means there is a doubt in your mind and you should do nothing as long as that doubt is there.
  3. Undone

    Undone Active Member

    Please listen to Kieran. You are way more likely to do some serious damage to your kidneys or brain this way than you are to kill yourself. The chances that you'll successfully take a lethal dosage of random pills is low, you're much more likely to end up with organ damage. You got lucky the first time and recovered quickly, how many times do you think that'll happen?
  4. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    if its a propper theropist they cant tell anyone bout you thinking about suicide, so tell him/her. get it off your chest and they will probebly be able to give you some good practical advice.

    im gonna pm you my msn.
  5. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I have also damaged my kidneys through overdosing its not worth it
  6. sweetsweet

    sweetsweet Well-Known Member

    I don't know. I'm just the sort of person who just does those sort of things without really thinking about. I just feel like if I do survive I will survive. One the first try I honestly thought I would be out of the hospital after a day. Didn't happen that way but it also didn't go the way the doctors expected.

    So I'm not going to lie. I will more than likely continue mixing differents pills with each other and alcohol. If I knew how to get my hands on hard drugs and had the money I probably would be doing that also.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    if you keep mixing pills, drugs and alcohol one day you may just succeed.

    the fact that you are posting here, as well as seeing a counsellor (even though you aren't telling them how you feel) says to me that you have some doubts. maybe you don't want to die, you just want to end your suffering? i know that's how i felt....

    what do you think about giving that small part of you that wants life some space to grow?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2008
  8. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Hi. I just wanted to let you know that in a way I can understand how you feel.. Im in therapy and I dont tell them squat anymore because I cant trust them.. I know most people can trust their therapists but I have a special reason why I cant.. I took a bunch of mixed pills trying to end my life once.. Im sitting here now so you know it did not work as I had hoped it would.. Okay thats not much help to you but I wanted to let you know that your not alone in the world..
  9. sweetsweet

    sweetsweet Well-Known Member

    Yeah, of course I have taken a bunch of pills in the past. They were just regular over the counter meds that I could easily buy before they caught on to teens getting high off them. Now I've moved on to things that I hope are harder. I don't know. I truly feel like no matter what I take and mix, I'll survive. I really do feel invincible sometimes. Or at least superhuman. Probably get that from being bipolar. The way I bounced back from that first attempt only added to the delusion.

    I just don't want to tell the therapist anything because I know they can't help. I just feel like I will always be suicidal. And it isn't so much that I want to really die but more like I want to get rid of myself and just leave this place. I don't know if there is an afterlife, but even if there isn't I don't care. I wouldn't be able to care. I think a lot of people don't really want to be here. They just buy into the bullshit about make the most of life, life is worth living, God has a purpose for you, etc. Not for me. I know there are other people out there like me. Just seems like the world has done a pretty good job at making sure we never actually encounter each other.

    Has anyone every heard of Primal Therapy? I read the book Primal Scream and that's the only therapy that I believe could actually work. The book makes absolute sense to me and I do believe it's the past that makes people who they are.
  10. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I went to church for the longest time before I had my most recent breakdown. I attempted to stay in tough with the pastor when I get down again. I also got tired of hearing that god had a purpose for me. I honestly believe that his purpose for me is to be miserable in this world.. Sounds awful I know... I have been making some calls today, seeing about getting into some private therapy and a private doctors office where 'they' cant get access to my records.. So, I guess in a way I believe this and well sometimes I dont but.. You cant get any help if you wont let anyone help you...
  11. Coliboo

    Coliboo Member

    I took <Mod Edit: methods> and waited to fall asleep and not wake up. I was even sadder when I woke the next morning. It took me two days to sleep it off but I can't tell anyone. I have lost my faith in God and just want an end to all this pain. Even thinking about how it will affect those who know me doesn't seem to work at the moment. A friend recently committed suicide and I wish I had the peace he has now. :sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2008
  12. sweetsweet

    sweetsweet Well-Known Member

    Now I just sit and wait for those pills to come in. I swear they take for fucking ever. The second type probably won't even be here until a week after the first one. So I'll have to wait to mix them. Will this shit work? Probably not..but at least it will be an experience. Can't be any worse than the first one.

    I swear this world is such fucking bullshit and life is just about as fucking overrated as it can be. If only I were stupid and naive enough to believe that life is so great. Everyone else around me knows how shitty and pointless this place is. They just don't want to deal with facing it.

    All I know is one of those pills better be here by next week.
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