Im new here, I am actually a little nervous writing on here, but its all fairly anonymous I suppose. What i'm looking for is advice, maybe someone here knows something that can help. The first time I tried to kill myself was in the sixth grade, (I wasn't emo, I was always in the jock/prep group, no idea why) the reason for me to die then was I got in a fight with a friend and took it out later on myself, silly I know. Since then I started cutting up until august 06', when I decided i'd cut one more cut for the last time, subsequently I woke up hours later in a hospital, then later on in a mental hospital, worst feeling ever! I sincerely regret the action, only because my arm has a giant scar on it from the mark that looks like I tried to cut the whole thing off. I haven't cut since then, after I was released I started smoking pot and drinking it helped a little i'll admit, I later moved on to cocaine and ecstacy, these drugs were addicting but provoked more self hating suicidal thoughts then I ever felt and I think thats what I may have been addicted to were the thoughts not the high, cause I wasn't feeling High for sure. Of course were there are drugs police aren't far behind, I was arrested with an empty bag of cocaine, with residue on the side, which was enough for a conviction. Since then I was kicked out of High School, Put in jail for a short time (7 Days) put on probation for a 2yrs, (still on). I had a job for 3 yrs that I lost when I went to jail, (Shift Manager at a local restaurant) lost my Art Scholarships for College, sold everything I had to pay the new 20,000 dollar debt the state put upon me. The thing that disturbs me the most is that I've been steady looking for a job, but if its the economy or not, places that tried to get me to work for them won't give me the time of day, the worst jobs in town won't hire me due to my record (of one charge at that!!!). The only good thing in my life is i'm attending online college, GPA 3.0 Business Adminstration. But if I have ruined my entire life thats enough to push me over, I refuse to let myself work in a factory, If I can only work in a factory for the rest of my life, life is not worth it, I would move but probation in this area is insanely paranoid and I can't leave my county, (My dad died of multiple cardiac arrests in a nearby county, probation wouldn't let me leave to see him when he died, only family member who didn't make it, if I had gone they threatened 5 yrs state jail on me, and also contacted the Hospital, I know I just should've kept my mouth shut and went). What i've been told for the past 5-6 yrs, was that things are going to get better, but they never do, a life of hope and no achievements is not a life, I want something tangible, proof that things will get better. I have gone to numerous psychologist and whatever the other ones are called, and taking every drug in the book, they don't make a single difference on me. Its almost like your bodies ability to have your heart beat, is how I feel about dying, but these little hopes people throw my way that crash and burn everytime, keep me from doing it, and eventually I know I'll have to admit, its not going to get better. I feel like a toilet if im not getting shit on then i'm probably get pissed on. If anyone can make sense of this jumbleness and "crazy talk" help me.