Suicidal thoughts, again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AllyEsu, Nov 19, 2013.

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  1. AllyEsu

    AllyEsu New Member

    Okay, fortunately right now I am not suicidal but I still periodically am plagued with suicidal thoughts... I just don't get it. The other day I woke up thinking my <edit mod total eclipse method> myself, this morning I woke up thinking of many other options... but I am NOT suicidal. I don't feel I can talk on a crisis line because they'll misinterpret what I am saying and only take note of the fact that I always have a few "plans" at the ready.

    I tell myself that it is just a symptom of bipolar depression, the same as wanting to curl up under the covers and never face the world again, also something I don't do. I have years of "practice" of just going through the motions of daily living no matter how depressed I am, knowing it will eventually dissipate. And sometimes, the thoughts come even when I am not depressed.

    I feel like there is something wrong with my brain. Maybe there is a bad connection somewhere, or a short (I used to be an electrician so think in terms of electrical flow). Maybe the capacitor that contains these kinds of thoughts in other people is broken in me...

    I am utterly frustrated and feel like I can't talk with anyone, even my therapist, because then they just focus on my safety. I'm safe, that is not the issue..... but it's like people's listening apparatus shuts off after the phrase suicidal thoughts come out my mouth.

    I forgot about this forum and happened upon it in my links. I'm hoping that finding this oasis and posting can bring some support or at least understanding. I feel so frustrated, as mentioned, and lost as to what to do.

    Do I have to live the rest of my life like this? I'm genetically pre-disposed to a very long life so.... sigh....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2013
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hi there.
    it's very sad that the suicide helplines don't actually help.
    this forum helps more.

    even though i'm not sure what to say or how it can be fixed, good thoughts your way
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Ally suicidal ideation lots of us have that h un and your right it is just thoughts so we do not have to act on them Have you told your doc about your symptoms maybe meds needs to be changed a bit Glad you are reaching out here for support
     
  4. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    Welcome back to the forum!

    I think that people who think about suicide or have tried suicide are fundamentally altered by these events. We see the world differently. I imagine it's a brain chemistry thing. Like some people are wired to be pessimists and some are wired to be happy, no matter what happens to them.

    I've been trying to kill myself all my life. The possibility is always there and I always have a plan. The good news is there were long periods where the thoughts were farther away. Kind of like a faint echo. Most likely, that will happen for you, too.

    Like you, when I try to communicate my suicidal thoughts or that I always have a plan, a lot of people get worried. It's because their brains aren't wired like mine. It scares them. Mostly, I don't tell anyone other than a therapist about this stuff. Even then, there is a lot of explaining and reassuring involved.

    Byste
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I've been suicidal over 24 yrs now and still living. Sometimes I do wish I was successful so I wont be thinking about it anymore, but I can only live to tell. I've been seeing mental health professionals since I was 15 and nothing has really helped. Now, as a survivor (again), I try to remind myself daily that suicide isn't the way to go. Not because I don't, but it's for my family and friends. Also, I might lose my place of residency which I have fought so hard to maintain for the past 2 yrs. I'm glad I've gained the independence I have struggled so hard for, so I know the repercussions...eviction. Some may say, "So What?" "It's just another place, you can get another one." It's my pride that I've finally became mentally stable enough to keep my own place instead of living at home or in a personal care home. I struggle with my mind everyday to NOT do anything anymore even though I'm constantly reminded of my near death experience from my last attempt. I hope I won't do it again. I'm hanging in there, though. I really don't know what to say to others who are suicidal, but I hope you all find SOMETHING
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I cut myself off, Anyways, I am holding on to life and I hope everyone suffering will find at least one strong reason to keep battling with this. We are not alone.
     
  7. AllyEsu

    AllyEsu New Member

    I apologize for the delayed reply but wasn't able to log in, site down. Thank you everyone for responding!

    I mentioned this all to my therapist yesterday and my frustration at communicating it and she explained that she, as a professional, just needs to determine a few things and after that it can be discussed but what I tried to emphasize was that I'd prefer to get to the root of the matter and hope that helps. I don't think it will but at least I'll have more options ahead of suicide. I used to have a "suicide kit" so to speak in my car, handy as a last ditch effort... that gave her great concern and once I rid myself of it, she felt better. But anyway...

    One thing I learned a long time ago was to think of it as an option, always on the table; but just to have more options ahead of it rather than it being the first.

    Byste - I like what you said and it makes sense that once we've crossed that line, we see things differently. It is so true. I can see the closeness of death, maybe all of us here can, whereas people who have not crossed that line seem to see it afar off, despite the reality.

    My last attempt was way too close, ending me in ICU with people visiting me as if I were on my death bed. That seemed to nip the need to actively attempt in the butt but the thoughts never went away. It helped me realize how much I want to live despite, sigh, not wanting to. I have not found a way to explain to people that I think equally about both, despite their being in such opposition.

    Another thing my therapist explained is that typical of PTSD (which I have) the two sides of my brain don't communicate like non-damaged (my word for it) people. Maybe this is why I can have such an active thought life without the emotional ties so to speak. I don't know... just rambling I guess.

    It is quite nice, despite the implications, to have people who understand. In general, people don't have to be vigilant at "living". They wouldn't even understand what that means. They just live whereas we have to "choose" to live.

    Oh, as far as medication, I prefer to keep my medication at the lowest level, as does my doctor (amazingly). It doesn't help with thoughts if it is higher but does make me into a zombie. I'd rather be functional, albeit, more distressed at times, than non-functional and chemically happy. Plus, I am a veteran so I go to a VA doctor and VA doctors are hypersensitive to discussions of suicide. VA hospital inpatient wards are horrible and, in my opinion, worse than death, so I generally keep the discussions to "I used to have... but am not currently thinking of..." type discussions.

    Ally
     
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