Suicidal thoughts and paying for hugs

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LemonLime11, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. LemonLime11

    LemonLime11 Member

    Hi--

    I'm really hesitant to write this, and I'm probably going to be judged, but I'm feeling so bad that I figured I might as well. I've suffered from bipolar disorder and anxiety for a long time, and believe I might also have a little body dysmorphic disorder going on, too (I'm 33). I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts more steadily for the last few years.

    I'm basically completely isolated and have had a bad couple of days here. I constantly think about death, and the depression has been so bad I almost feel like I'm coming out of my body. I also feel utterly hopeless--that life will never get better. When I get like this, I can't move, can't think, can't really do anything. I'm a body without a mind. I feel like the mere act of moving through time is unutterably painful.

    I'm so sad that my mind has hit upon the idea of hiring an escort--but simply to give me a hug and put her arm around me for an hour or so. I realize that what I'm desperately searching for someone to give me a hug, and an escort seems like a way to achieve this. This is something I never would have done before, but I think I'm going to do it now because I don't care anymore. I understand it's not the best choice, but I just feel like I would actually feel a tiny bit better if I do this.

    Thanks for listening and understanding. I'd be interested to know what people think.
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Nobody here is going to judge you for needing a hug. Human contact is important and while I wouldn't pay an escort to give me a hug (I find being touched by strangers to be awkward and a bit weird) I definitely understand the impulse. I am sorry that you are in so much pain and you feel so lonely.
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  3. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Know we are always here for you. Please don't give up. Stay with us and keep talking.

    Hugs
     
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    If it were humanly possible to give a virtual hugs, you would never be in need of one again because you would be inundated with hugs from members here. Sadly they have not yet found a way of doing that, but we would if we could, trust us on that one.

    I have known people pay for worse things than a hug. If you really feel that a little bit of human contact will make you feel better about life and yourself, then go for it. I think its a good idea and a short term solution to your initial problem of feeling so alone.
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  5. LemonLime11

    LemonLime11 Member

    I appreciate the responses. Thanks for writing, everyone. It's a weird thing. Depre
     
  6. LemonLime11

    LemonLime11 Member

    Hit "post reply" too soon. Sorry.

    I appreciate the responses. Thanks for writing, everyone. It's a weird thing. Depression makes you both isolate yourself and need human contact.

    Anyway, is hiring an escort to give you a hug the smartest thing? No. Would it make me feel a little better? Probably. Can you get in trouble for paying someone just to hug you? I don't think so, but who really knows. Anyway, I'll think about it some more for the rest of the day. I might do a bit of reading right now to take my mind off of things. Thanks to everyone for responding.
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  7. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Wish we could give you a real hug, because we care. I know, hugs helps me. All I can do is give cyber hugs. Not much, I know.

    Here if you want to talk.
     
  8. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thats what SF and its members are all about LL11. A little help and support can go a long way.
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    How about a massage. Maybe you could find a masseuse and schedule weekly massages. Just an option other than an escort.
     
    brknsilence and SinisterKid like this.
  10. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I don't think a massage would achieve the same thing. I understand where the OP is coming from however I wouldn't do it simply because I know they don't really care about me and then I'd feel even worse.
     
  11. AsahiBushi

    AsahiBushi Member

    First of all, you don't have to apologize. What you feel and what you describe, even the ideas you've come up with are perfectly reasonable and within what we could consider "human".

    That said, escorts and...well, any human contact that's received in exchange for money is definitely not the way to go, I know it first hand. I'm not overly proud about it but I once went for prostitutes with a couple of friends, I had never done so and once they suggested that plan for a friday night I figured, "Eh, what the heck". Please excuse my candor, but I hope my experience can be somehow useful to the OP. I did learn a lot from the experience, what went through my mind filled me with self-steem but it's just not what you're expecting. I'm a young, heterosexual male...but my body and half of my mind just wasn't there, I didn't enjoy it one bit. Half of my mind was aware I was with a beautiful woman that was there to...uhh, there's no nice way of putting it. The other half of it felt completely numb, as if it wasn't there, as if I was doing a line at a bank or something, a sort of "Uh, are we done yet?" sensation. I was more concerned with caressing her than anything, something she slightly objected to because, well, duh, hygiene reasons, I wasn't the first customer of that night and I'm sure I wasn't the last one. Honestly, I was in a private room with an "objectively" hot woman...and it was as thrilling as standing in a traffic light.

    On the way home, smelling like cigarrettes and cheap bear, I thought about what I had done. I felt...good about myself because I didn't feel good doing it. I didn't enjoy what scores of other men do, I just didn't feel any pleasure with what had happened, not even on a physical level. I kid you not, even with a prostitute I acted like a caring, respectful individual, I treated her like another human being even though she viewed herself at times as just a slab of meat. She even complained about her boyfriend with me and complimented my tender touch on her breasts, I bought her a beer later on without expecting anything in return besides knowing I had made her night slightly more humane. I felt truly human, I felt great about myself knowing that I had proven that my good-nature isn't just a facade. I remembered...her, how we used to make love, genuine love...and there's just no point of comparison even though Ms. Lady of the Night was much more beautiful by every primal standard, taller, more slender, better curves, you name it. But the intimacy wasn't there, the sympathy, the trust...all that lovely load of crap. Without that, the human touch, be it just a hug or even sex, is worthless, it's cold...it makes you feel even lonelier than before.

    Again, I apologize for the details, here's hoping for OP and all of us to find a warm, true hug. Or for some Japanese tech-wizard to invent a convincing way of sending online hugs!
     
  12. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I think the OP is talking more in terms of a Escort [someone who attends a function/party with you for money] rather than a prostitute. I am a very tactile person [means I like to touch and feel a lot] and I miss the physical contact that I used to have with my partner. So I empathise with the OP and if the only way he can get a hug is by paying for it and if it will make him feel better about himself and the world he lives in, its money well spent. Its just really sad that there is no one in his life to offer a simple thing like a hug.
     
  13. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I believe they are all considered escorts, some are just "full service" and some are not. I agree with AsahiBushi. I've never had sex with an escort but I've had meaningless sex before and it does make you feel worse in the end. If the OP just wants hugs, he may still end up feeling like they were meaningless hugs and then feel even worse than if it were with someone who was truly compassionate and cared for him on a deeper level than money.
     
  14. AsahiBushi

    AsahiBushi Member

    Think about it this way: a hug is like money itself, it's only worth something if it's backed by something. A bill is worth something because there's supposed to be a backing of it in the federal reserve, gold ingots and such. A bill or a coin without such backing is counterfeit money, it's worthless: it's a scam item that can fool a couple of people but it has no value.

    Empty physical contact is exactly that, counterfeit money. A $100 dollar bill with no gold to back it up. What feels good about a hug or a kiss or even sex is their meaning rather than the fleeting, sensory face value. What feels shitty about not having any contact is precisely that lack of meaning, that void that expresses itself as a hunger for contact.

    Simply put: there's no easy way out in this matter, escorts, full service or not, are not a solution, sorry.

    (PS: Don't you guys hate when your ideas make sense but...you feel unbelievably shitty when they do?)
     
  15. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Absolutely no one here can say if paying for a hug will be successful or not for LL. We are expressing our opinions on the issue, which of course we are all entitled to do. The only surefire way to find the answer to that one is to do it and see what happens.

    If he were fortunate and found a Escort [in the UK there is a difference] with some compassion, there is no reason whatsoever why he could not be hugged with feeling and emotion. So whilst I would not advocate paying someone to hug you in the hope you feel loved, I also think he is thinking outside of the box a little and it might, just might be a solution to his particular problem. Never say never applies here methinketh.