Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?

[LumberJack]

It seems that I'm going down so quickly that I can sit and watch my affect descend.

I'm not going to try and source a method, and yet it's hard not to use household objects as reflexive weapons. I think I'll take advice for once and walk outside in the sunshine.

 

[JanisSPK]

It seems that I'm going down so quickly that I can sit and watch it.

I'm not going to try and source a method, and yet it's hard not to use household objects as reflexive weapons. I think I'll take advice for once and walk outside in the sunshine.

That's a really good idea....go walk!

 

[KM76710]

to @KM76710 My hope is that while food is tasty, the morning air feels good and your pillows feel nice when you lay down for a sleep, that you stay around. Most of us don't know you in person but you are much appreciated and cared for here. Hoping you're aware how vital a part of this family you really are KM

virtual (h)s if they help.

Thank yous for yourself @JanisSPK and @AvidFan

It is pretty frustrating for myself and probably so many others. It does get to the point where you wonder how in the world can things get and be so wrong, but I am grateful for the kindheartedness shown here from so many. It is one of the things I find best about the internet and online.

 

[may71]

Never do anything while she still lived.

She always put it as WHEN you do, not IF you do

It sounds like your mom was mostly a good person, but I think it would have been better if she was determined to help you find a way to be happy in life rather than just wanting to delay your death until after hers.

 

[may71]

It is one of the things I find best about the internet and online

 

[KM76710]

Absolutely. It is one of the fine things about this forum. You find people from all over the Earth that even though we may have different pains or complaints this is a spot where many who may otherwise feel left out can join in and know they are with others that can sympathize or empathize and find acceptance and know they are welcome when they may not know where else to turn.

 

[may71]

I don't think there's anything on the internet that makes the world a better place more than SF does

 

[LumberJack]

Reporting back that I did get out for a walk. Well, I drove to do some shopping, but I parked waaaaayyy far away so that I would get some steps in, lol. I had to hit 2 stores because something I needed was nearly 50% more expensive at the grocery than the other big box nearby. (Target for those in the US).
Knowing my luck, the clouds rolled in just as I was getting out of my car at the first destination. Joke's on the universe, though - cloudy weather suited me just fine at that moment. TBF if there is 100% cloudy weather for 3 days straight, I start to crack under the stress. But a little cloudy after a brilliantly sunny morning and early afternoon is almost refreshing.

The best part, though, is that I started trying random things mentally to pull myself out of that place where I hate every frking breath I take.

Things that helped:

• Grounding, i.e., consciously inquiring into what my senses are taking in right this moment.
• Repeating a very long mantra as if I were singing a little song to myself under my breath. The strength of it being long is that it takes some concentration to keep track of how many repetitions I've done. This is not entirely necessary, but doing so helps me refocus away from mental anguish.
• Future oriented thoughts, limited to what I can do, as opposed to what I'm worried about happening.
• Remembering the very kind things my aunt said to me, which are all the more touching because she is not the type to sugar coat thing or blow sunshine up anyone's proverbial undergarments.
• Thinking about friends that I have not seen in far too long and wondering what to say to invite them to go do something.
• Surprisingly, fantasizing about getting a bottle of booze on the way home was helpful. I immediately had a reaction of yeccchh! and realized I don't want that at all right now, at least for today. It is kind of pleasing to notice this happen automatically without having to remind myself that I quit for a very good reason.

Can't say I'm feeling neutral, or even okay by now - but I'm better in that I feel like I can manage it. I had a sitting meditation session once I returned home, which, ngl, was really tough. I completed it, though. That also felt like an accomplishment, which helps with the self-efficacy/internal locus of control part.

The main point that I hope to remember and keep in my awareness going forward is that ruminating on how bad I feel is only going to accelerate and amplify the bad feelings. I do NOT want to advocate for Pollyana-ish "positive thinking," but rather just turning my attention to what is really going on, right now, as opposed to what should be or what I should have done - has a far better chance of getting me off the train of misery.

 

[Road to Nowhere]

I do think about it more as time goes by. When I was younger and my mom saw that I never took joy or happiness from what was around me and recognized that I was not happy being on Earth or alive. I could be pleased that good happened to others, at times because I helped others, but not once did I have or feel it for myself. I don't feel that my life has mattered to me, for me. Being selfish there. Even every picture from youth to adulthood I never smiled beyond the courtesy smile most share, not ever smiling for myself and that I enjoyed my time living. I have shared a picture or two with others here, my expression is more whatever happens just happens, just like shit. She did ask two things of me:

Never do anything while she still lived. Easy to do, she was always kindly to me, wanting the best for me and my brother and was good hearted to others. Check.

Never be type that took things out on others and decided that other people should suffer also. She never saw malice in me unless someone did me wrong, so Check.

After my nephew, her only grandson, was born to never do anything while he was still a child and maybe think he could have done something different or better like something may be his doing or his fault somehow. He is now 26, a fine young man and enjoying his life.

She always put it as WHEN you do, not IF you do.

With my recent within the past year health issues, continuing and going forward I admit that I do not have to work to live. I can go anytime I feel it is right. That scale is tipping more quickly now to the when aspect.

I can’t give enough appreciation for what you have done @KM76710 for our community continuing to help others you are valued and cared for here. Wishing you good health and happiness

 

[Rhidia]

Mindfulness helps remind you that you can get through the day. But, it doesn't make you want to stay. So little sleep for so long it really hurts, now...

 

[My_favourite_game]

Even though I'm alone, they are always with me

ahamyes

 

[My_favourite_game]

I sincerely hope that every single one of you who find the courage to write, read, lurk or even just ... are here... that you are ok. Not great, not necessarily perfect, just...

I hope that everyone is doing ok

 

[seabird]

No, but I'm throwing stuff at it by fighting this state of mind as it is what led to si in the past

 

[Sadly1]

I feel suicidal everyday.

 

[My_favourite_game]

I want to kill myself

 

[My_favourite_game]

The scissors are right here

The knife is in my hand, pressed against the skin

Do you know why I stopped SI'ing?

It is very ... silly! SO stupid!!!

Why? I don't even know, not now

I've run out of space. There was no more space left on my inner thighs

My inner thighs is the only place where I am allowed to SI, no other place

Cuz any other place is 'visible', if it's visible, then I'm looking for attention, which I don't

This is a secret

I've started to SI on my shoulders, so now I can't wear a singlet

I just thought 'if it will heal, then I can keep doing it'

But the scars remained... so, I just kept going

I don't want be an 'attention bitch'

I haven't gone swimming or went out in shorts since I was 13

No space...

Unless.... I just.... move down... and I did... the 'slip' right below my knee, years later, is still visible

I had SI'ed on my right (inner) thigh, but then ththknife 'jumped' to my left thigh. Years later, the thick thick thick scar is still there. There's also a really red scar that does not seem to disappear. Why is it still there? I'm pround of this scar.

I'm proud of it

The knife feels right in my hand, solid

Just pick it up

It fits, between my fingers

Red sink

Red lines of cloth

Red clothes

Red lines everywhere

Everything is made of lines

Clothes

Trains

Books

Everything is composed of red lines

It is THE best feeling on this planet

Nothing can even compare

No competition ...

NOTHING

There's nothing else

pure extacy

I wish I could go back

The scars are there, but it's not enough

I want to see Red

Red lines

Over Red scars

Just ... seeing the healing Red scars, and then ... SI'ing right over them, deeper, and deeper...

I used to paint my entire arms

It is THE best feeling on this planet

"A life time of suffering... "

"... is worth it"

"As long as I can SI"

it's on the floor now

I like that

Dripping

But, in the past they told me: 'don't do that'

Because I had my favourite knife hidden on the side, and they found it

Red puddle

Too big?

Spreading

You know what I love?

What I really loved?

(nobody can ever know)

I had my very own DJ gear: x2 technics 1200 decks and a (cheap) dm4400 mixer

I used to COVER

ENTIRELY

all the way up to the shoulder

Red paint

I mean blood

And ... play DJ Cam, 'substances'

I wish I could go back to those days

Red lines

Red drops from the lines

Red floor

Dripping

PUDDLE

PUDDLE

PUDDLE

then...

Red arms

All the way to the shoulders

COVERED

(

sometimes...

I'm sorry....

Is that..?

It is disgusting!!

GROSS!!

on my face

Paint my body red!

)

and, just... DJ Cam 'Substances'

I WISH THAT I COULD GO BACK

A line

Drops

Puddle

'Se'kah booh'

There is nothing on this entire planet that any human being can feel more

I WISH TO GO BACK

Can I?

Can I please go back?

Can I please experience that which is from beyond this planet?

Please?

How would it feel?

I WANT TO KNOW HOW IT WOULD FEEL

ONE MORE TIME!!!!

ONE MORE TIME FUUUUUCKER!!!!

 

[My_favourite_game]

Bidding my time

Until, the time is right

 

[My_favourite_game]

IT'S TIIIIIIME!

Not red yet

The line

Just a thin line

It's nothing

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!

SO DISSAPPOINTING

Maybe it wasn't deep enough?

Not good enough?

Not yet...

Should I wait..?

I will not wait

Oh

But see?

Just wait

The thin line...

.... is beginning to be OK

I think it's ok

Is it ok?

Is it good enough?

It's not good enough

lets make more

More lines

4 x 4?

again...

again...

More...

not enough

the last one, not good enough

AGAIN!

MORE!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

But...

Just wait

Ok

Here it is

That thin line

So thin, so disappointing

DROPS

the drops are here

YES!!!

Succeeded

The drops come out

Thin thin thin

So disappointing

Too thin?

the drops are gathering ...

Down my thigh they go

PUDDLE

PUDDLE

PUDDLE

now... I can paint

or...?

Maybe...?

Just a few more

One more

Two more

Bidding my time!

It's just lines

With drops

So... that's ok

I am content

There's enough to paint my arms

I need to clean this up

No body can know

Now... the music can begin

Now

the music flows

I don't want to wrap myself up just yet

LET IT FLOW

I'm covered

All the way to the shoulders

A LIFE TIME OF SUFFERING IS WORTH IT,
AS LONG AS I CAN FEEL THIS

 

[My_favourite_game]

Thank you for letting me be myself in this place

 

[Lostman85]

I do think about it more as time goes by. When I was younger and my mom saw that I never took joy or happiness from what was around me and recognized that I was not happy being on Earth or alive. I could be pleased that good happened to others, at times because I helped others, but not once did I have or feel it for myself. I don't feel that my life has mattered to me, for me. Being selfish there. Even every picture from youth to adulthood I never smiled beyond the courtesy smile most share, not ever smiling for myself and that I enjoyed my time living. I have shared a picture or two with others here, my expression is more whatever happens just happens, just like shit. She did ask two things of me:

Never do anything while she still lived. Easy to do, she was always kindly to me, wanting the best for me and my brother and was good hearted to others. Check.

Never be type that took things out on others and decided that other people should suffer also. She never saw malice in me unless someone did me wrong, so Check.

After my nephew, her only grandson, was born to never do anything while he was still a child and maybe think he could have done something different or better like something may be his doing or his fault somehow. He is now 26, a fine young man and enjoying his life.

She always put it as WHEN you do, not IF you do.

With my recent within the past year health issues, continuing and going forward I admit that I do not have to work to live. I can go anytime I feel it is right. That scale is tipping more quickly now to the when aspect.

Im sry your going this i really you stick around we are here for you. We care and your not alone. We are hear to listen and can help. I know what feels like to try and not want to live. Its not fun. So no you ain't going through this alone. Stay strong buddy.