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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
My back injury is healing a bit. But the anxiety is insane. My job is so physically demanding. It's not a career for someone with a bad back. Is this the start of more chronic pain? Am i going to be doing this career in 5 years? Will my company try to fuck me over if i ask for more time to heal?
Me and my wife have separated in the past for periods of time. But tonight was the first night I started the process of filling for divorce. Of course she dropped communication like she always does. I'm not sure shes a good person like s he claims. I do wonder if she is just a good actor and took advantage of me for years, or if some of the good times were at least genuine. I'm not sure I can follow through and submit the paperwork. But at the same time, the thought of living with here again stresses me out so much. So I guess that's a sign.
I could kinda handle one of these life events at once. But both at the same time is fucking hard
Me and my wife have separated in the past for periods of time. But tonight was the first night I started the process of filling for divorce. Of course she dropped communication like she always does. I'm not sure shes a good person like s he claims. I do wonder if she is just a good actor and took advantage of me for years, or if some of the good times were at least genuine. I'm not sure I can follow through and submit the paperwork. But at the same time, the thought of living with here again stresses me out so much. So I guess that's a sign.
I could kinda handle one of these life events at once. But both at the same time is fucking hard
Just thoughts, but they are there. I have been studying things on how to let go, accept, or have equanimity. One thing I have encountered is that our thoughts from yesterday are hardly available today, and what I was irritated about a week ago tends not to matter anymore. For the most part that checks out, but equanimity doesn’t mean passivity. If there is a problem that needs to be acted upon, you do that. The idea, though, is that you can take appropriate action without being super upset or indignant. That part is taking a while to land inside my thick skull.
maybe I am, because I think that would definitely solve a lot of problems for me. It's not an option for me at this time, though. It would transfer my pain mostly to the ones closest to me, and radiating outward with severity determined by how much they cared about me. I'm in a place where almost any household object looks like a method to me. The human body is remarkably resilient, but it doesn't take a lot to shut it down if you know the important parts to hit. But my meds bring me into a place where I somehow want to survive so I cannot form a plan with any serious intention. I just had a thought. There's this crazy Irish guy on my meditation app with a prolific collection of content centering on gratitude, joy, and wonder. However, maybe he's not so crazy because I cannot argue with his reasoning. I will take a break and play a talk from that dude.
I want to go because I cannot live the life I want, have no realistic chance of that ever changing and have only family to keep me here. But, Lumberjack? I have done a LOT of research into means of ending the "operations" of the human body. There are extraordinarily few which are even remotely "painless" and "quick" and, also, one thing I have to remember? It would likely be someone I know and care about who found my body if I did it where I live-that would utterly destroy them. I simply CAN'T do that to somebody I care for. Worse, if I did it in such a way and place my body would never be found? They would never, ever get closure, answers, anything. That is even worse.
This life can be hideous sometimes. But if there's anyone alive you really care for? Family in my case? Just remember they NEED you here. Sometimes it's truly cruel you can't just go, but there WILL be a reason for you to stay.
This life can be hideous sometimes. But if there's anyone alive you really care for? Family in my case? Just remember they NEED you here. Sometimes it's truly cruel you can't just go, but there WILL be a reason for you to stay.
This is very true. I've reached a place where pain doesn't have a lot of weight in the cost/benefit equation. There's a lot of logic and philosophy behind that, but basically it comes down to annihilation being worth any amount of pain because it would, by definition, zero all that out. If I'm ready to end my life, but only after I find a painless method - then I am saying that the pain of living through that intervening time is less than it was before I reached the point of wishing to die in the first place. I just don't see how that follows.
Yet I have had moments where I actually do see how life is beautiful and precious, so I know that's kind of the real truth. IDK how to define it but I have a sense of intuition that I've come to pay a lot of attention to. Most of my regrettable decisions were made in opposition to that intuition, and all of my good decisions were made in accord with that sense. Since that sense is telling me there's something more than what I currently apprehend, then that is worth sticking around for. In fact it's been a growing concern for me that I somehow find a way to connect the felt intuition that life is actually very important with my everyday narrative that informs my smallest decisions. In other words, the fear that I will have just enough time after I've made an irreversible decision to regret it is a huge reason for me to keep trying.
Like you, I also worry about how my suicide would impact those I love, whether or not we have the same last name. Especially the younger ones. And yes, I do think that disposing of myself in some way to ensure my remains are irretrievable would prevent closure for those who care the most about me. So, it's kind of like life itself is holding my loved ones hostage and making me keep putting one foot in front of the other. I suspect that image is distorted, but that's what I have right now.
Yet I have had moments where I actually do see how life is beautiful and precious, so I know that's kind of the real truth. IDK how to define it but I have a sense of intuition that I've come to pay a lot of attention to. Most of my regrettable decisions were made in opposition to that intuition, and all of my good decisions were made in accord with that sense. Since that sense is telling me there's something more than what I currently apprehend, then that is worth sticking around for. In fact it's been a growing concern for me that I somehow find a way to connect the felt intuition that life is actually very important with my everyday narrative that informs my smallest decisions. In other words, the fear that I will have just enough time after I've made an irreversible decision to regret it is a huge reason for me to keep trying.
Like you, I also worry about how my suicide would impact those I love, whether or not we have the same last name. Especially the younger ones. And yes, I do think that disposing of myself in some way to ensure my remains are irretrievable would prevent closure for those who care the most about me. So, it's kind of like life itself is holding my loved ones hostage and making me keep putting one foot in front of the other. I suspect that image is distorted, but that's what I have right now.
As I've been unrepressing memories and ascertaining more and more of what occurred and my fault, my election, of the disgusting touch, I am split.
I must keep learning. I'm unlocking more of myself. I'm learning what I did wrong. What went wrong. things big and small of the "time". I'm regaining a feeling of self, too. If I kill myself now, I will miss out on unlocking more of my guilt and wrong, and miss out on understanding myself.
On the other hand, the sheer filth of my mistake is so dire, that I wish an external force would take the choice out of my hands, and kill me as penance for, and relief from, the shame and uncleanness. I don't deserve to live, I growingly am aware of, as I learn more and more about myself and my fault.
I must keep learning. I'm unlocking more of myself. I'm learning what I did wrong. What went wrong. things big and small of the "time". I'm regaining a feeling of self, too. If I kill myself now, I will miss out on unlocking more of my guilt and wrong, and miss out on understanding myself.
On the other hand, the sheer filth of my mistake is so dire, that I wish an external force would take the choice out of my hands, and kill me as penance for, and relief from, the shame and uncleanness. I don't deserve to live, I growingly am aware of, as I learn more and more about myself and my fault.