I have been exploring my own thoughts about what I do and why I do it. I am very decidedly obsessed with suicide, and I don't deny that at all. However, my thoughts scare me and I'm wondering about what people may think of this. I read/watch/look up things about mental illness in general but especially suicide with startling frequency. I would say I spend well over 75% of my time thinking or researching about it, and that's how I found this board. I'll watch movies or tv shows, listen to music, read books, read things online, become obsessed with people who have commit suicide (Sylvia Plath for example). I have attempted and I'm often suicidal myself, and I know that doing this perpetuates it, but I literally feel like I can't control it. I can try my hardest to avoid reading/watching things but, I end up just obsessively thinking. I picture myself in situations or I fantasize about it or I think whenever someone gets angry or upset (at me or anyone else) that they are going to commit suicide which I know is irrational because most people do not go to suicide that easily. Anyway, its literally very obsessional and I don't feel like I can control it. I know it's harmful to me but I also like it in some sick ways. I also try very hard to hide it from people. I hide my books, I clear my internet history, etc. I feel like it's taking over my life. I have attempted suicide so people know that I have been suicidal, and (some) people still know now that I am suicidal, but no one knows the extent of how obsessed I am and I know it would scare people if I told them. Anyway, I guess the point is I just don't know what to do. I feel like with how much I think about it that it's really just inevitable that I will do it someday. I don't have access to any professional doctors so I don't know how to help myself. I try my hardest but when it comes down to it, even if I stop researching stuff, I still end up thinking about it obsessively and that's bad enough.