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suicidal thoughts as addiction?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dreamachine, Mar 9, 2009.

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  1. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    I have been exploring my own thoughts about what I do and why I do it. I am very decidedly obsessed with suicide, and I don't deny that at all. However, my thoughts scare me and I'm wondering about what people may think of this.

    I read/watch/look up things about mental illness in general but especially suicide with startling frequency. I would say I spend well over 75% of my time thinking or researching about it, and that's how I found this board. I'll watch movies or tv shows, listen to music, read books, read things online, become obsessed with people who have commit suicide (Sylvia Plath for example). I have attempted and I'm often suicidal myself, and I know that doing this perpetuates it, but I literally feel like I can't control it.

    I can try my hardest to avoid reading/watching things but, I end up just obsessively thinking. I picture myself in situations or I fantasize about it or I think whenever someone gets angry or upset (at me or anyone else) that they are going to commit suicide which I know is irrational because most people do not go to suicide that easily.

    Anyway, its literally very obsessional and I don't feel like I can control it. I know it's harmful to me but I also like it in some sick ways. I also try very hard to hide it from people. I hide my books, I clear my internet history, etc. I feel like it's taking over my life. I have attempted suicide so people know that I have been suicidal, and (some) people still know now that I am suicidal, but no one knows the extent of how obsessed I am and I know it would scare people if I told them.

    Anyway, I guess the point is I just don't know what to do. I feel like with how much I think about it that it's really just inevitable that I will do it someday. I don't have access to any professional doctors so I don't know how to help myself. I try my hardest but when it comes down to it, even if I stop researching stuff, I still end up thinking about it obsessively and that's bad enough.
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hello. welcome to s.f.

    this is a pro-life site...but you may already know that, given your research. and we do not talk methods here.

    personally, i have always had an interest in writers, or musicians that have committed suicide. i have not done obsessive research, but i have pursued their bodies of work to look for signs or hints early on. and i have long wondered if there is a connection between deep pain and trauma to the psyche, and creativity.

    i have never attempted.....so my thoughts may be less obsessive than someone like yourself, who has. but i have heard the call of darkness and have been so weary i have wanted to succumb...

    i am sure others will add their unique experience.

    and...i hope you are going to stay here at s.f. and get support for yourself......here, we all stand together and try to hang in, and move forward. xxxxxx
  3. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    Oh I'm definitely not here looking for methods. I know a million methods already, and my obsession leads me to read ANYTHING I can which includes also things like stories of people who have had loved ones commit suicide and reading things about suicide prevention and whatnot. I will literally deal with anything that has the mention of suicide ever, except maybe when it comes to suicide bombers and things like that.

    I just mean it really feels like an addiction in some way, but how can you be addicted to a thought? Its just taking over my life and it scares me and I feel like I can't stop but I want to. The thoughts provide me comfort but they also scare me. And its not always that I'm "actively suicidal." I'm not usually at risk for it, I think.. I call hotlines and things when I feel like I'm in crisis, and I know I do these things because there is something inherently in me that wants to live otherwise why wouldn't I just do it? But at the same time I really don't want to live with these horrifying thoughts for the rest of my life.
  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Edit: nevermind
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sometimes we become obssessed with something as a way to try and explain it to ourselves. Then the more knowledge you gain, the more comfortable you become with it. It becomes a way of life. Can you maybe think of something else to begin researching? Something to think about anyway.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....my apologies if i sounded like i was saying you were looking for methods (((red face))) i didn't mean it that way at all... and the reason i mentioned it was because you told of your rather extensive research and i was just making sure that S.F. was differentiated from the pro-suicide sites...thats all.

    and gentlelady had a great suggestion about looking for another passion to research....

    i hope you find one- and we ARE here for you - (((Big hugs)))) xxx
  7. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    Thanks, yeah I wasnt trying to imply you were saying I wanted methods, but I just wanted to be clear I know what the site is for, and I like the site and want the help and support.

    I would really like to know what summer.rain had to say, if you wish to tell me again?

    and thank you gentlelady as well. I do have other interests, but I guess when it comes down to it everything just ends up at suicide for me, and I really don't feel like I know how to control it. I try other things and I try to keep myself occupied, but I end up drifting to it anyway eventually. I will keep trying with my other interests though.
  8. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    i thinks that its normal......im obssesed with kurt cobain the singer from nirvana and his music....
  9. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    Maybe I'm not expressing it correctly or something because it's not about being obsessed with a particular person or medium of art or anything. It's literally that suicide has taken over my life and I'm terrified and I'm trying to find help for it, but I suppose maybe I am wrong thinking that it's bad...... And I know it's behavior I have to change on my own but I literally cannot do it. I dunno. If this is how I have to be forever then I certainly don't want to bother to live and feel like this.
  10. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    thats why were all here in a suicide forum, i rather be sleeping than being awake.....so what does that mean?...that i should kill my self.....and i dont give a fuck about what my family will think because they are idiots and im the one living in hell..while they live in their ignorance fantasy world.....i even thought about killing my parents...dont get me wrong im not a psycho or a crazy guy...its just that they make me sick and my childhood was a endless nightmare because of them......
  11. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    Well "what does it mean" is different to everyone. The point for me is that I want help and I'm seeking it out and I thought perhaps people here might understand and be able to help since I don't feel like I can help myself and I cannot afford professional help. I dunno if it cannot be helped though and despite what has been said, I don't think it's "normal" for suicide to consume someones life to the point where I'm actively thinking about it almost all day everyday.

    No one should have to live in any sort of misery like that, and I'm sorry you do. I don't think suicide (or homicide) is the best answer to any situation, but I do understand and sympathize with those who turn to it. I know how hard it is to have a bad family life too, and it's much easier said than done but I think one just has to learn to be happy with themselves despite what other people do. I know most people are ignorant to the pain of others, and I don't think there's a way to change that or change how someone acts towards you no matter how bad I wish there was.

    Believe me, like I said it's very hard to do that, but that's what I strive for. I wish I could be happy with myself and I wish I could help myself, but I can't. But I am trying, and I will continue to try. It's just very hard when you are left to your own devices and the bad things are the easiest way of coping, which is why I am attempting (and apparently failing) to reach out for help here.
  12. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    i think about suicide the whole day read stuff read other ppl historys etc etc....were in the same situation.......ill tell u a few things u probably know but thats all i can do to try to help u....

    worlds sucks
    life sucks
    ppl sucks

    what can we do about it?....

    find a hobby
    make friends
    exercise your body so your brain can feel pleasure
    get a job
    date girls/boys, have sex, have fun, dont fall in love

    now if u need deeper "help" or "advices" find a religion.....try praying (im atheist) but maybe ull feel good doing it, go to the church and talk with the fathers/priest

    ill tell u the things im doing to feel good

    keep on learning how to play the guitar
    almost everyday run around the park for 5 min atleast
    read stuff on internet

    things im not doing and i should.....

    make friends
    and maybe i should start beliving in a religion/praying but thats just not me

    i dont do anithing of the above because im pissed off and dont feel like it
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