Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Addiction

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kimphadora, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. Kimphadora

    Kimphadora New Member

    Heylo Darlings.
    For the past 12 months I have struggled with mood swings (maybe due to depression or some other mental illness). For the past 2 months I have experienced suicidal thoughts that are growing worse and more intense.
    One and a half years ago, I quit cutting. A few weeks ago, I went back to it.
    Overall, there is no actual reason for my sadness. I keep telling myself: It's because of this. Or that. But when this and that is out of the world, it's something new and it just keeps going.
    I have seen a therapist I didn't like. Now I am at the crossroads. People have told me to get help, which I will do. I am just not sure, wheather to go to a clinic (or a mental ward whatever it's called) or if a therapist is "enough". I know, no one but me can decide this for real but I want to hear your opinion on clinics/therapists.
    Any storys?
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You will not be able to just "check yourself in" to most clinics, so the proper starting place is with a therapist and/or psychiatrist. They will evaluate you and help determine a plan (with your input) for what situation or further assistance will be best suited to your situation and needs. If they determine with your help that an inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment is right for you then they will make the calls to get that initiated.
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Don't know if I would call mine a story-but I do have some knowledge about cutting. My description of the act is that it is a method of experiencing feeling in a manner that the cutter can control. Typically the cutter is a person who has learned to block out feelings because when they focus in on their feelings they are terrified of them-they're afraid that their deep feelings are so powerful that if they get in touch with them they will be completely overwhelmed and powerless. So they find an outlet for those deep, dangerous feelings-cutting. They get to have feelings and they get to be in control of their feelings for a change. Emotional feeling is too risky for the reasons I just mentioned-so they settle on physical feeling (pain) as an outlet of emotional expression.

    Most of the cutters I've known (and there have been many) have given up on feeling good years prior-they don't trust feelings of happiness when they arise, they think that there are strings attached to being happy and carefree. They only trust pain because that is all that has been true and real for them for most of their lives. The way out of a life of cutting is to go into the emotional part of the pain and work out the conflict there, before it becomes physical. In most cases, the emotional wound was inflicted when the cutter was very young with no ability to understand what was happening to them. Going back and viewing those events as an adult with a rational mind is extraordinarily helpful in resolving the compulsion to inflict physical pain on oneself.

    At its root it is about connecting to ones feelings in whatever form feels safest and having the ability to have feeling in small increments-having complete control over the when's, where's and why's. Control was not possible when the cutter was young so they felt powerless-they're simply trying to right that wrong in the best way they know how. Most of the cutters I've know went on to complete recovery by getting touch with their feelings of pain at the core-inside of the deepest part of their being, understanding where and how they got hurt, and learning how to heal their own emotional wounds as mature adults. My prayer is that this info is somewhat helpful to you, if not thank you for reading anyway. Good luck-LT
  4. Kimphadora

    Kimphadora New Member

    That is extremely interesting. I have not talked to many cutters about this but this...this makes sense.
    Especially the part about not trusting "good feelings" to be "true". Whenever I am happy, I immediately think "Wait, that's a trap!" And well, no feeling lasts for ever, so when I'm happy I think "Hey, I won't be happy forever, so why not stay sad?"
  5. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Good point-As I mentioned, I've known many cutters who have gone on to live totally different lives, lives that did not involve the avoidance of feeling emotional pain by inflicting physical pain upon oneself or others. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions that you are not comfortable with discussing in public. I wish you the best of luck going forward-LT
  6. zuzuspetals

    zuzuspetals Member

    Hello Kimphadora,

    Lifetalkz is hitting it right on the head. I would just add that you are meant for a life of triumphs and trials, not darkness and pain. I heard this recently: “What if… every pain we experience and every impossible situation we survive will better prepare us to assist someone in our future who is experiencing the same thing?” That made a lot of sense to me. It may be little consolation now, but would urge you not only to consider yourself important and deserving of happiness, but to keep your senses aware of someone you might be able to help pull out of the same place. I believe that the God who loves us deeply (no matter what), who knows our name and who desires our happiness works that way. I’ll pray for your healing.