First of all, hello everybody. I don't even know why I am here, probably because I refuse to seek professional help, I just can't bring myself to talk about my feelings to anybody. I am at the point where nothing brings me enjoyment, even things that used to. I feel like am just existing for others. I have three children, two if which I haven't seen for five years, long story but it's because of a vicious ex (I had to make the decision). I am a mature student currently studying at university, I graduate in a couple of weeks and should get a first. I haven't been in love with my present partner for about four years, since my youngest son was born (I wanted to wait, but that's not the reason). I stayed because of my son. Things have come to a head, now we are splitting and I feel that I have nothing to live for in the future. I just see me working all hours and seeing my son for a few hours a week. I have lost all motivation to finish my degree and still feel guilt about my older children to this day. The toughest decision of my life, but one I had to make. I find it hard to put into words how I feel. I have felt like this before and did manage to come through, but I was younger and had things to look forward to. If I could end it now, in an easy way, where nobody would find me, no fuss, people just thought I had gone missing, I would do it. The things standing in my way are my son and stupidly what people would think about my actions (crazy I know). I've got to the point where I almost want to feel like this, so I don't have a good week just to return to feeling like this and prolonging the torture. It's also going to get harder as my son gets older. I'm tired of getting through one thing that I don't want to do, just to have to do another.