suicidal thoughts, not for the first time.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rend15, Mar 30, 2015.

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  1. Rend15

    Rend15 Member

    First of all, hello everybody.

    I don't even know why I am here, probably because I refuse to seek professional help, I just can't bring myself to talk about my feelings to anybody.
    I am at the point where nothing brings me enjoyment, even things that used to. I feel like am just existing for others. I have three children, two if which I haven't seen for five years, long story but it's because of a vicious ex (I had to make the decision).
    I am a mature student currently studying at university, I graduate in a couple of weeks and should get a first. I haven't been in love with my present partner for about four years, since my youngest son was born (I wanted to wait, but that's not the reason). I stayed because of my son. Things have come to a head, now we are splitting and I feel that I have nothing to live for in the future. I just see me working all hours and seeing my son for a few hours a week. I have lost all motivation to finish my degree and still feel guilt about my older children to this day. The toughest decision of my life, but one I had to make.
    I find it hard to put into words how I feel. I have felt like this before and did manage to come through, but I was younger and had things to look forward to.
    If I could end it now, in an easy way, where nobody would find me, no fuss, people just thought I had gone missing, I would do it. The things standing in my way are my son and stupidly what people would think about my actions (crazy I know). I've got to the point where I almost want to feel like this, so I don't have a good week just to return to feeling like this and prolonging the torture. It's also going to get harder as my son gets older.

    I'm tired of getting through one thing that I don't want to do, just to have to do another.
  2. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Hello Rend, thanks for speaking up and welcome.

    Firstly, that's no small thing to do what you are doing studying, graduating and with such great results too. Sounds like it's a turbulent time for you but things don't always have to be like that. If you want to talk more anonymously than getting into therapy, helplines can be very comforting, they listen and are non-judgemental. Does your university offer counseling - many do, if you'd consider it.
  3. Rend15

    Rend15 Member

    Thanks for your reply, I recognise that my reluctance to talk about my problems is a big hurdle. I just can't bring myself to do it. I recognise my own achievements but just do not see the point in them, when I am going to lose what motivated me to do it. After reading many of the other threads, I realise that my problems are nowhere near as severe as some of the other people who post here, but I cannot change the way that I feel.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Rend, congrats on going back to college to get your education, im doing the same in september, try not to leave while you're nearly finished as you will always have that to fall back on. How old is your son? I bet he's the most precious thing to you. I know you don't want to get professional help but I just want to say it does work and does make you feel so much better, even just a therapist without the the meds and all that can make a huge difference.

    Please keep talking to us here.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I hope talking here help some but to be honest the best outcome would be to get comfortable enough talking here to get real professional help. When life starts repeating itself (serious relationships that don't work, feel like dead end job so go back school- near done school and suddenly doesn't matter as assumptive guesses) they usually have a common cause and it is very likely long term depression or something similar and the only real help for that is real treatment. While it always will seem like there are "things wrong" in your life and "a few things that if I could fix my life would be fine" , the reality is that depression makes every situation impossible to find any happiness from so no matter how many times you change the situation it will always end up not changing your satisfaction in life for long because it is not the situations that are problem- it s the depression making them a problem. If you manage to treat that and solve that, then suddenly lots of situations that seem impossible now will not be, and solutions to past problems can be found.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  6. Rend15

    Rend15 Member

    Hi Petal, good on you for you going back to education, what are you studying? I won't quit because I'm so close. I do feel slightly better today which makes it even harder to see someone. My son is three and a half and yeah he is everything to me. I have sacrificed a lot during my studies and haven't spent as much time as I would have like to with him. Don't make that mistake if you have children yourself
  7. Rend15

    Rend15 Member

    Thansk Ben, that is really sound advice. I think I don't want to admit that I'm depressed. I have freinds who I can have a laugh with, play football with. I have friends at university who are nearly half my age. I don't struggle to fit in anywhere, I still recieve female attention. I must be a good actor because even when I'm in social situations sometimes I'm thinking why don't people see how I feel? I suppose if they could then they wouldn't want to spend time with me.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again, im doing an access course to get into fire and ambulance service. Should have done it a few years back but we all have regrets. I think it would be beneficial for you to do things with your son such as taking him to the park or to the cinema, spend some quality time with him. I bet you love and adore him, kids are so precious :) I really hope things get better for you :)
  9. Rend15

    Rend15 Member

    I hope it goes well for you Petal. I already do those things with him, if anything I don't want to spend too much time with him before I go, as i will not be seeing him everyday soon. The thing I will miss the most is having him around and seeing his face every morning.
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